Silhouette
by lookingatthepieces
Summary: A sequel to the story Worker Bee. AU: Three years have passed since Dean has seen his good friend Castiel. Lots of things were left unsaid and lots of feelings and baggage was never dealt with. Still, Dean has moved on in life deciding worrying wasn't worth his time. But when his past smacks him hard in the face, how long can he afford to ignore it?
1. In Loving Memory

**_!Heads up for anyone who found this and decided to read it, this is a sequel to a story called 'Worker Bee'. If you've stumbled across this story it is strongly encouraged that you go and read the first story- otherwise you'll have a few questions. There will also be spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the story yet, as the ending of 'Worker Bee' is crucial for the beginning of this story!_**

_Introduction: Thanks to anyone who read, favorited, and reviewed 'Worker Bee' it meant so much to me as an author. When I originally was outlining 'Worker Bee' I had no intentions of having a happy ending. It was originally planned to run a length of twenty-five chapters which was then condensed down into the nineteen chapters that you read. So this story, was planned as a follow up. I can't say if it will have a happy ending or not, but I do have a lot planned. _

_This story is rated M for mature because of language and violence. There are also scenes involving heavy verbal and physical abuse, just like in 'Worker Bee'. The heads up is there for any sensitive readers._

_The story's title 'Silhouette' is metaphorical and symbolic, you may interpret it in anyway that you wish._

_AU: Three years have passed since Dean has seen his good friend Castiel. Lots of things were left unsaid and lots of feelings and baggage was never dealt with. Still, Dean has moved on in life deciding worrying wasn't worth his time. But when his past smacks him hard in the face, how long can he afford to ignore it?_

* * *

Silhouette

Chapter 1: In Loving Memory

"Hey mom." The youngest Winchester smiled as he lay the flowers down by her headstone- sunflowers were always her favorites. He seemed a bit surprised that the grave had been cleaned recently. "I thought I would come visit you, I know that I missed the third year anniversary so- well this is me making up for it."

Dean's posture was slumped, he didn't want to be here but Sam made him come. Sam said that it was good for closure- every single time they came. Dean didn't need closure, he didn't want closure. He just wanted it to go away, he didn't want to think about it.

Mary Winchester

In Loving Memory

1954 – 2008

Quite frankly, Dean didn't know how Sam managed to smile so fondly at their mothers grave. How can you be so fond of a slab of rock, with a rotting corpse underneath? He guessed that it was just one of those things that he and Sam would never see eye to eye on. That was fine, as long as Sam could respect that they just didn't see it the same way.

Sometimes Sam had this habit of shoving his nose into Dean's business. For some reason he would always pester Dean about how he was dealing with life- Dean couldn't understand why Sam wouldn't drop it. If someone doesn't want to talk about something in that exact moment, why should they have to? They should be able to just talk about it when they're ready. Dean stalked away to give his brother some time alone with the slab of rock.

It was mid October, the ground was a collage of miscellaneous shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. As Dean crossed the cemetery he watched as each step he took kicked up different colors and shapes. In a way it was very- poetic.

Dean watched as he passed each tombstone, some said 'loving father' some said 'mother, sister, friend'. All the letters really started to blend together though, it seemed like no one ever had anything original to write on a headstone. He made a mental note that in his will he wanted his headstone to say, 'stud, awesome brother, and bad ass'. It seemed fitting and it was original.

He chuckled lightly at the thought, what would people think when they read it. They would probably think that it was a cruel joke, but it wouldn't be. Dean was completely serious about all three of those things. He continued to read each marker as he passed most of them seemed just the same. All the same phrases describing people that he had never even met. That's when one caught his eye, he froze so he could read it.

Sophia R. Milton

Artist, Optimist, and Mother

1956 – 1997

The stone itself was a pink granite, the engraving was a beautiful cursive writing. Dean smiled a little, at least she was different from the rest of the memorials. Dean wasn't positive but he thought that this was Castiel's mother. Her name was Sophia, right?

It had been a long time since Cas had even crossed his mind. Strange how running into the tombstone of someone else's family member, can jog your memory about the past. About someone that you used to know but now they're just a fleeting thought running through your brain.

_I love you and I'm sorry._

What did that even mean?

"It's been three years. Three years since I've seen your son. Heh. Do you- do you watch him?" Dean whispered to the tombstone. He felt stupid, as if the dead woman was ever gonna talk back. As if she was ever gonna give him any answers. Dean felt a twitch of irritation bubble behind his eyes. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to feel about Cas and every time that he tried to think about it he either got pissed or upset. Sam would say that it was because he exposed himself to the possibility of being hurt. Dean had exposed himself and then he had been hurt, in the worst possible way- or at least he thought it was one of the worst ways to be hurt.

He sighed, glancing over to where Sam was. Good, he was still there- the last thing he needed was to have Sam hear him talking to a grave. He would never hear the end of it. Dean would have to smack him upside the head just to get him to shut up. Despite feeling stupid for talking to a rock, Dean continued anyway. "You know I- I uhh... I kept his trench coat... but I guess it's yours... And I guess if ghosts can fly around... you probably already know that..."

This was a lot harder then he thought. Partly because he didn't really believe in talking to a piece of rock but also because it was him talking. Dean hadn't really _talked _about his feelings in- well, he couldn't recall the last time he did. As far as Dean could figure- talking about his feelings wasn't really going to get him anywhere.

Plus, who would even listen to him? Sam- that would be great, then maybe after he cried and Sam held him gingerly they could cuddle under a blanket and watch Legally freaking Blonde.

"Did you know her?" a gentle female voice asked from behind. Deaned turned slowly, to be blinded by red hair and hazel-blue eyes. The same eyes that Castiel had, could she be the infamous sister? Either way she was pretty cute.

"No. I didn't know her. I- uh... Well... It's complicated I guess." Dean replied. She smiled, she had to be related to Cas somehow. She had the same smile and she had the same eyes.

She shifted, causing the leaves to rustle underneath her feet. "I see. She's- she's my mom. I'm, visiting from college."

"Anna right?" Dean asked slowly, "Anna Milton, Castiel's sister?"

"Yes. How did you know?" she giggled. "I don't believe we've met before."

A twinge of guilt, colored with frustration sprang up in Dean's head. He had a feeling that she had no idea what happened to her brother.

Dean laughed a little, his features becoming lose and relaxed. "No, no, we haven't met before. I- uh... Well... I'm a friend of your brothers-" he paused a moment, then extended his hand with hesitation, "A friend of Castiel's... forgot the whole 'multiple brothers' thing."

Anna nodded, taking his hand with ease. "You know Cas? Oh, wow. I haven't spoken to him in- years... How is he doing?" Anna questioned.

The guilty feeling grew but Dean shoved it to the back of his mind.

"I haven't seen him in a while- Have you been home yet?" Dean asked, wondering how much she knew about what had happened to her brother. She smiled, her smile was cute- it showed off the dimples in her cheeks. A small giggled always seemed to follow her smile. Her smile, her laugh, it had a type of warmth- like a candle adding just a little more light to the room.

_I probably shouldn't find Castiel's sister cute. I feel like there's some kind of rule against that._

Dean could tell that they were related, they had the same eyes. The way that their eyes seemed to slant downwards just a little bit- so they have that natural sadness to them. That sadness that made Cas look like a lost puppy. That lost puppy look that was so characteristic of Castiel that when Dean thought about it he could see Cas in his mind. It was a gentle sadness, nothing to extreme just a tiny hint. Like a teaspoon of vanilla that had been sprinkled into some coffee. Just a flicker of pain behind closed doors.

Dean remembered the last look he ever saw in Castiel's eyes. Pain that couldn't be described in words being held back by a thin layer of drywall.

They also shared the same smile. It was also gentle, soft, tame- an air of control. Like she knew how to hide her feelings or how to manage them at least. He supposed that it was from Lucifer and always having to hide their true feelings. He supposed that it came from years of experience and practice of keeping things controlled. So while it was a soft smile, it also hurt to look at. It was a sad thing to think about.

Now that he thought about it, it didn't just hurt to look at- it hurt to think about. Probably because when he thought about Castiel's smile-

He just couldn't think about it. It hurt too much.

"Oh, no. I was headed there next. I just- I wanted to stop by here before I went to visit Gabe and Cas. I guess I felt like I needed to visit mom before I went and visited anyone else." she said with another quick smile. "I'm sorry, I hardly know you. I probably seem pretty weird."

"Nah. There are much weirder people out there." Dean reassured, showing her a soft smile. "Besides, I think I had a much worse conversation with your brother the first time that I talked to him."

"I'd imagine, Cas has never been one for conversation. He's always been so awkward, I think its the autism." she laughed wholeheartedly, "You know, I didn't catch your name."

"Dean, Dean Winchester." he replied. "You know, if I could say- you are much cuter then your brother."

Her cheeks turned a shade of rosy pink, she looked down as she giggled. Her posture was a little bit timid but she leaned forward a smidgen. "Thank you- I uhh... I don't know what to say. I guess I'm rusty- it's been a while."

"Yeah- For me too." Dean chuckled. "I mean its, its been tough- I don't know. For a long time I was too afraid to put myself out there. Everything just kind of felt like it was wrong place, wrong time. So I was just thinking- maybe its time that I started trying to put myself out there. You know, maybe its time that I move on. Time that I put myself out there."

"One can only hope, that things will get better." Anna proposed. She reached in a paper bag, pulling out a bouquet of fallen leaves. Anna laid them on her mother's grave, she remained squatting as if she was reading the memorial.

Dean watched her, the way she moved was dainty. It was as if she was more conscious of what was going on around her. Anna didn't seem to have that lack of understanding about the world around her- in that respect she and her brother differed. Castiel always had that bumbling around a subject- or missing and innuendo or joke. Anna was scribbling something on a piece of paper, then she rose to her feet and smiled, "I should be going. It was very nice to meet you..."

"Dean."

"Right, Dean. I'm sorry, I'm horrible with names." Anna said embarrassed at her slip up. She took a step forward, putting a piece of paper in Dean's hand. "Look, I'll see you around sometime. Okay?"

"Yeah. Bye..." Dean replied. Once he was sure she wouldn't turn to look back, he glanced at the paper in his hands...

_You seemed to have a hard time asking for my number_

_I hope you weren't planning on asking my brother_

_about it... Talk about embarrassing..._

_498-555-7384_

_~Anna_

A small smile danced at Dean's lips, he even chuckled a little. It had been a while since he had met anyone like her. He glanced up, watching her get into her car- a Lamborghini of some kind was his guess. Gorgeous car, a bright red color- the girl knew how to stand out. Though Dean had no idea how she could afford it- maybe it was in the family. She turned and glanced at him from within the vehicle- she gave him a small smile.

Then just like that, she sped off in another direction- Dean watched her leave. Then he glanced across the street where she had been parked. Someone was staring at him, he blinked to make sure he wasn't going crazy but they were still there.

"You..." he whispered, having seen a shadowy figure in quite a few places recently.

Dean walked forward, trying not to break into a run. He wanted to get to him before this guy ran off. Dean didn't _run _per say- it was more like a power walk on crack. Though that almost sounded worse, only old ladies and girls who can't run power walk.

He stopped in front of the crosswalk since there were cars and he couldn't cross. It was hard to really get a good look at this guy- he was in the shadows. His face was down-turned and so his features were hard to make out. It didn't help that he was wearing all black, black suit, black shirt, black pants, black shoes, black trench coat, black, black, black.

Maybe he was some kind of business man, though Dean wasn't really sure what a business man would want from him. Or maybe he had come from a funeral. He squinted trying to make out something but he wasn't able to make out anything. It probably didn't help that Dean's eye sight wasn't that great. "Dean!"

Dean turned around to see his brother, "What are you doing? One minute your talking to some girl now your trying to cross the street and you're probably gonna get hit by a car if you aren't more careful. What's up?" Sam asked.

"There was a-" Dean turned back to examine the man again, but he was gone. "At least I thought... You know what? Never mind it doesn't matter..."

"Dean. You're acting like me when I was hopped up on crazy pills." Sam said slowly, "Come on, don't tell me that you're seeing things."

"What?" Dean took another double take, "No, that's your thing Sammy." Dean reached up and ruffled his brother's hair, starting to cross the cemetery to get to his car. Sam glanced at where Dean had been staring then he followed.

"Look can you stop with the nick name? I'm seventeen years old Dean. I'm not a kid anymore." Sam complained following his brother.

"Nah. You'll always be Sammy to me." Dean replied, ignoring his brothers clear distaste for the nickname. Sam let out a loud sigh to display his irritation.

"So what- I'm just always gonna be your little brother Sammy?" Sam questioned.

"Yup." Dean answered without any hesitation. "You'll always be my _baby _brother."

"I hate you." Sam quipped half-heartedly.

"Oh come on Sammy, that wasn't even convincing. This time say it with feeling." Dean harassed. Sam groaned.

He shoved his brother forward, "_You_ are impossible to deal with."

"I like to think it's cause I'm such a _unique_ and _beautiful snowflake_." the elder brother joked, with heavy sarcasm. Sam just smacked his brother upside the head. "Bitch."

"Jerk."

Dean sighed behind the steering wheel of the Impalla. "I mean seriously, why would you go after the sister of someone who used to be your best friend? That really doesn't make any sense." Sam complained, turning the radio up. Some country/folk rock sounding crap was playing.

"Okay first off, you're getting that crap off my radio. My baby doesn't enjoy the sound of douche bags. And she especially doesn't want the sound of douche coming out of her speakers."

In some ways, Dean had to admit his brother had a point. It didn't make sense to take the number of Castiel's sister- he had a feeling every time he looked at her he was gonna feel guilty. But then again, he couldn't help it that she was the first girl that he felt like opening up to. It had been too damn long- three years to be exact.

He couldn't help it that the first girl he felt remotely interested in was Castiel's sister. Besides, all he did was get the girl's number- it wasn't like they were getting married.

Sam sighed- turned down the radio and then switched the station, while rolling his eyes. With those convictions- or rather delusions, Dean followed up. "Second, when was the last time you saw me with anyone?"

"Does Cas c-" the younger brother started but was promptly interrupted.

"No. Cas does not count." Dean snapped.

"But you kissed-" Sam tried again but to no avail.

_Why does he assume a kiss means we were boning?_

"A kiss doesn't count." Dean glanced over seeing his brother start to talk again. "Three kisses don't count either. Okay? We kissed that's it, end of story- nothing to freak out about. I don't even know why it happened in the first place now that I look back on it. I'm not gay. It was weird. My head was in a weird place."

Sam sighed realizing that his brother could be so close minded sometimes, "You kissed, cause you liked the guy. Consider yourself... bisexual. Or I guess you could for pansexual where you love people regardless of gender. You're attracted to them based on just who they are. You know, gender-blind. Or you could be polysexual meaning that you like more then one or two types of gender identities. We know you can't be asexual because obviously you have some interest in romance and sex. I mean there are so many arguments you could make about this type of thing- there are so many different gender studies and sexual preferences. People need to stop being so close minded when it comes to sexual preference. I mean you could be so many-"

"Sam." Dean interrupted.

"What?" Sam asked.

"You're not helping." Dean snapped. Sam sat back in his seat, folding his arms in protest. "Okay look, whatever me and Cas had- whatever that was- Cas and I- we- god- I don't know. We aren't a thing, okay? I don't know if we ever really were. You talking about my sexual preface-"

"Preference." Sam corrected.

"Whatever. You bringing up all the stuff that happened with Cas- look its in the past. Okay? He's off living his life being whoever the hell he's supposed to be."

"Why are you so mad about the subject of relationships-"

"We never had a _relationship _we were friends, we were curious. We kissed, it was weird. Now he's gone and I'm here doing my thing. End of story."

"This isn't about a relationship is it?" Sam asked as Dean rounded a corner. "This is about the fact that he's still out there somewhere. This is about the fact that you won't let me-"

"_**You aren't going anywhere.**_" Dean warned. Sam looked out the window- huffing in irritation. "Look it was practically his _dying wish-_"

"He's not dead-" Sam tried.

"That we don't try and find him, that we don't try to save him. I may not have promised him but he asked me to do that for him. He asked me, to give you a normal life. He asked me to do that for him and to do it for you, okay? And I respect that. I may not _like _it- but I respect it."

Sam blinked, "You never told me that."

"I never thought I would need too. I just hoped that despite your promise, you'd wait- or forget- or something..." Dean sighed.

"Well... isn't dead. So I don't think you can say he is..." Sam replied.

"He is dead. He died the moment that he took his trench coat off. Before we went into the warehouse to save you. It was reinforced when he killed those people. The Cas I knew wouldn't have been able to even _hold a gun._ The Castiel that we knew died- he died because I couldn't keep you safe. So he had to go and make his own mistakes- just to fix mine." Dean explained.

"Is that really the way you see it?" Sam returned.

"Yes it is." Dean finished, resolute.

"Well you're wrong." Sam argued, his eyes fixing on objects as they passed him by in the rear-view mirror. "He didn't die- Castiel- our Castiel is still in there somewhere. We just have to find him and we just have to talk to him. When we do, then- he'll come back. Once we free him from his brother-"

"We aren't gonna do that." Dean answered. "He told us not to. He wanted to save us and he made sure that we weren't gonna get hurt. We aren't going to _**insult**_ him or his memory by going against us."

"We can't just _sit here!_"

"Okay, do you know how to free Castiel from his 'bond' or whatever with his brother?" Dean asked, a silence filling the car. "No I didn't think so."

Dean pulled into the garage, parking the car carefully so he didn't hit anything. He climbed out without waiting for Sam to respond- as far as he was concerned this conversation was over. The elder Winchester headed upstairs- he needed to change fast so that he was ready for work.

Dean had been pulling three jobs since he dropped out of school. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Sundays, from nine in the morning until five o' clock Dean worked at his fathers auto shop. He had learned a thing or two about cars from his dad- enough to get him hired at least. The rest he learned as he went. Every night- unless his boss was feeling generous- he worked from seven o' clock until closing at two, as a waiter. Most nights he didn't get home until three in the morning. Then Mondays and Wednesdays he would work helping with construction- there wasn't a real time schedule for that, they were the most flexible of the group.

It felt like it was nearly impossible to keep things together half the time. Still, Dean felt like this was all that he could do for Sam. Bobby had returned back to South Dakota so he could keep working- but he paid most of the bills and he came up at least once a month. So Dean was really the man of the house now.

Not that it was much different from how he felt when his dad died. He supposed that there were only a few things that made it different- like having to come up with money if Bobby couldn't give them enough.

Or like when things needed fixing, Dean had to do it. When Sam needed something, Dean had to get it. When they needed food, Dean had to go get it. When they needed a little extra money to help with unexpected things, Dean had to scrounge it up.

But not once, did Dean ever complain about it.

At least not out loud.

"Who knew, me making an honest living?" Dean asked the mirror as he changed his clothes. He glanced over at Castiel's trench coat- a small smile twitched at the corner of his lips and he had to force it back.

Now that he had time to think about it- he realized he didn't know how he felt about his friend. Castiel was- a friend but also something more. They had kissed three times- but- they were never a couple. Not that it mattered now, Castiel had betrayed him when he lied. Then he sacrificed himself- leaving Dean to feel really torn.

On one hand, Cas had given up everything that he loved. He had sacrificed himself for Sam and Dean- he gave up everything. So Castiel was being incredibly selfless and kind. Dean was happy to know that his life meant so much to someone. He was glad that someone cared so deeply about him- they would give up everything for them.

No one could argue that Castiel didn't know what sacrifice meant. Dean was so appreciative for that, he knew that Cas didn't have to do that. He just cared so much about Dean and Sam that he decided that he had to.

Yet on the other hand, Castiel had lied to him about what Lucifer's plan was. He had kept the truth hidden so that Dean wouldn't have to be burdened with it. In doing so, he had used Bobby and Dean as his messengers.

He had also put Sam in danger- what if he had been wrong about his brother? Even if he wasn't, Dean couldn't help but let his mind stray to what would have happened if Cas was wrong. Then god knows what would have happened to his brother- he and Cas might not even be here now. That was if Castiel was even still alive.

Dean hadn't heard one thing from the guy in three years. It was incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking to know that Cas could still be out there. Then to also know that he didn't know if he was or not because the guy couldn't pick up a phone. He couldn't pop by, or leave a note of some kind. Dean understood the whole, 'I do what Lucifer says or he starts killing people' thing- but he just thought that they were closer then that.

If Dean was going out of his mind wondering about his friend- he couldn't sleep at night sometimes. He could spend hours just thinking, coming up with hypothetical situations in his head. So he figured that Cas had to be feeling some of the same things. Then there was the dreaded thought that Cas wasn't feeling the same things and Dean was just being clingy and sentimental, which wasn't his style.

Though it did pose an interesting question about whether Cas really cared or not. On top of that he hadn't looked for any other solutions but self sacrifice. Then there was the whole matter of...

_I love you and I'm sorry._

Dean sighed and turned away from the mirror. All of this thinking was making his head hurt. He tucked his shirt into his pants and grabbed his wallet- throwing his coat on. He left the room switching the lights off as he exited.

"Hello. Welcome to our diner, I'm Dean I'll be your server. So can I start you guys off with some coffee or something else to drink?"

No matter how many times he asked, the question never got more interesting. Dean flashed a half-assed smile to the couple he was serving. They ordered some water and a coffee, at least that's what Dean thought they ordered- did it really matter? He had it written down.

"How's your salad?"

Of all the jobs that Dean had, this was his least favorite. It was monotonous and dull- the people were jackasses always looking for someone to screw with. He didn't want to serve these people- they treated him like dirt and he hated it. Then the worst thing was when people recognized him. They would usually screw him over because they knew that he couldn't say anything. Dean didn't have a lot of friends but he had made plenty of enemies.

"Can I get you anything to drink?"

Sometimes people would leave huge messes on purpose. Other times they would order one thing and then claim that they had ordered something completely different. Then it didn't help that his boss hated his guts and had a tendency to believe other people over Dean. Always. In fact as far as his boss was concerned Dean was always wrong.

"I'm sorry. I'll take that right back and get you a new one."

As much as Dean hated the job he needed it. Even though Dean hated everyone there and more then that he hated all of the customers that came in- he always did his best. His level of patience was indeed astounding. Since he always did his best and was always polite he was usually tipped pretty well. After an average shift he was able to walk away with at least fifty dollars.

"On the house, for my mistake."

He needed that money to cover various expenses of living, that didn't mean that he had to like the job. That didn't mean that he had to approve of himself laying down for everyone to walk on him. And it most certainly didn't mean that Dean Winchester was a push over.

_It was for Sammy._

That's what he always told himself when things got terrible. That's what he told himself when things were less then ideal- which was a large majority of the time. He definitely wasn't living the dream here, but he knew someday that Sam would be. That made it all worthwhile.

"Hey Dean."

"What is it Emily? I'm kind of swamped right now. Friggan stoner babies all showing up at one in the freaking morning! Seriously, who does that?" Dean griped.

Emily was a coworker and a friend (sort of)- one of the only people that _didn't _hate Dean's guts. She was from Burkittsville, Indiana- she ended up getting stuck in Lawrence when she ran out of money. Her original plan had been to go to California but she wasn't sure. Every time that Dean talked to her she seemed to have a different location she wanted to go to. Either way, she was saving up the money to be able to get out of Lawrence.

"Here. Let me take those." Emily offered, taking some of the plates from him. "Once they get their food they'll be out of here soon."

"Yeah, they just come for their munchies. You can usually just give them their checks when you give them the food. They have havoc to reek in other places- things to see, people to do." Dean misquoted.

"You mean 'Things to do, people to see'?" she corrected. Dean shrugged his shoulders.

"I think I like my answer better." he replied, Emily giggled. Then she paused looking Dean up and down with a concerned face. "What?"

Her brows furrowed, her features expressing concern. Though she seemed to be hesitant about telling Dean whatever it was that was on her mind. After a few moments she decided to open up- "Well... you're really flushed and you've been having a hard time keeping up tonight. I was just wondering when you visited a doctor last? You look like you might be a little sick."

"What? Me? Nah. I'm a picture of health. I don't need a doctor." he dismissed. Emily frowned, giving Dean a strong look of disapproval that almost reminded him of his mom. Dean put his hands up defensively. "Anyway, what were you gonna tell me?"

"There's a new guy in your section. I didn't think you saw him so I figured that I would give you a heads up. He's really quite handsome." she finished, heading out of the kitchen to deliver food. Dean sighed, grabbing his pencil.

Dean observed, the guy looked like he was maybe eighteen or nineteen. He had dirty blonde hair, hazel-blue eyes. Dean was so busy observing he almost forgot to smile, "Hello. Welcome to our diner, I'm Dean I'll be your server. What can I get you?"

"Well, Dean... I uhh... I don't know yet. Can I just get a glass of water?" he asked with a soft smile. Dean glanced outside the window, in thought- noticing the same guy as earlier. Dean stared at him hoping that the guy would stare back and Dean would see his freaking eyes.

"Sorry, I'm a bit indecisive." the boy continued, knocking Dean out of his trance.

"Oh right, yeah. I'll be back in a couple of minutes, so you can have time to decide." Dean smiled, heading back to the kitchen.

_These freaking people. _Dean groaned, mentally stabbing each customer in the face. He was so tired, his limbs felt heavy, all he needed was a little bit of sleep and he'd be fine- for now though he just had to make it through the rest of his shift.

He scanned the windows that he could see out, looking for the man that he saw. Just like before he was gone- wishful thinking said the guy was Cas. Wishful thinking was almost always wrong though, so Dean kept it to himself. Things just never seemed to _go right _for Dean Winchester. It was always wrong place, wrong time- or right place, wrong time- or even wrong place, right time.

Still, he was curious as to why anyone would want to follow him. Besides working, Dean really didn't do anything note worthy. The elder Winchester wiped away some of the sweat that was on his forehead. He decided to take a glance into the reflection of the one way glass windows between the customers and the kitchen. Emily was right, he really did look crappy.

_Dammit._

Just another thing to add to the list of growing problems that he didn't have time to deal with. Also on that list was the random stranger that was following him. There was also the broken pipe in the downstairs bathroom- which really wasn't that big of a deal since no one used it except guests and they hadn't had guests since mom died. There was also the issue of not having enough time for Sam, but at least he was keeping Sam well fed and taken care of. Then there was the potential depression, that Sam won't shut up.

'I wish you would just go see a doctor, you could have some major issues that therapy could help you deal with. I mean you aren't dealing with mom or dad's deaths and blah blah blah something about something...' Dean usually stopped listening. He didn't need some shrink to watch him as he laid on a couch and disclosed his every thought. Only to have the shrink come back and tell him that he needed heavy medication or some kind of lobotomy.

He could almost hear Sam's voice in his head telling him that he was being irrational. Sam was always trying to be the big brother, but the truth was he was Dean's _little _brother. He always had been, he always will be- it made it hard for Dean to take Sam seriously sometimes. Which he knew was unfair but he couldn't seem to kick the habit.

Dean returned to his customer, bringing him a water and taking his order. He did the whole thing with ease. About one thirty customers stopped coming in and everyone started cleaning. Then Becky asked if Dean could stay and do dishes in her place because 'she had a baby waiting at home that she was responsible for and blah blah blahdy freaking blah.'

Becky had a nasty habit of shunting her work onto Dean because she had 'somewhere else to be' or because 'she had a baby'. He knew that she was probably stressed a lot and he shouldn't be so hard on her but he just couldn't help it. If her life was really that complicated then why did she even bother working here or at the very least working this late? And she was a manager.

The good news was being on her good side helped him to get excuses and helped work to be more lenient. Also Dean needed as many people on his good side as possible because his boss hated him. Becky may have been a manager but she basically gave Dean her keys every other night- since she would always ask him to finish closing for her.

"Later." Dean said as Emily left, once she was gone he would be alone in the building. First he went around and locked all the doors and windows, then he shut most of the front lights off- heading to the back to finish the dishes.

Dean shoved his hands into the soapy waters working on scrubbing the last of the dishes. On a positive note, Emily had found out that Dean was finishing for Becky and she insisted that she do as much as she could before she left. Which was a really big help, she had cleaned the bathrooms, cleaned most of dinning room, and she had done a lot of the dishes.

_Man, I am tired._

Dean made sure to check all the windows and doors again before he left, to make sure everything was locked up tightly. Then he headed out, climbing into his car and hitting on the heater. A soft chill went down his spine, he could feel goosebumps rising on his arms. Dean took a deep breath feeling a soft twinge of pain in his chest. Maybe he should go to the doctor.

Nah.

Dean Winchester didn't need to go see a doctor. He didn't need to go to a hospital, he hated hospitals. Ever since the whole, Sam ordeal- Dean couldn't help but be suspicious of hospital practices. When Dean got home he stripped himself of his clothes, feeling the layers peel off. He was sweatier then he first thought. Still, the youth was tired and didn't really seem to care about drying off. Too much work.

Dean snuggled under the blankets feeling like a bear in hibernation or a turtle in his shell. Today was a long day, but then again so was everyday. He took one last glance around the room, before he realized his curtains were still open somewhat.

The elder Winchester got up to close his blinds, glancing outside. There was that man again, down in his backyard. He didn't worry much, all the doors had been locked so it wasn't like the guy could get in. Plus if this was anything like the past encounters he'd be gone now, since Dean got a look at him. He drew the curtains closed then flopped over on his bed. This time he didn't even bother to get under the blankets, he tapped his alarm so it would go off and closed his eyes. Waiting several minutes before he decided he was too cold to be out from under the blankets.

In his fleeting moments of consciousness he thought about the man that was following him. A large, dark figure- who could it be. Again he felt soft hope in his chest that it was his old friend. He spent his last moments thinking of Castiel before sleep took him down under.

* * *

_I've decided to slow the writing down a little bit, I'll probably only update every few days rather then every single day. While writing a story is fun and exciting, releasing a chapter every day can be a bit exhausting. Still, I wanted to get the first chapter up. I'm doing a little bit different formatting, I hope that doesn't throw anyone._

_And so it begins again, for anyone who saw Anna and went, "I know where this is going" please don't judge until we get there. Remember how many curve balls I threw you in 'Worker Bee'?  
_

_In other news, Dean repression and denial are not good things. Please get your head out of your ass._

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	2. Face to Face

Chapter 2: Face to Face

The alarm clock was an unwelcome sound to Dean's exhausted ears. He rolled over and slammed his hand down on the alarm clock, shutting it off. "God..." he groaned, sitting up slowly. Dean could feel each limb, stretch and ache as he rolled off his bed. The young man rose to his feet, brushing his hair back and feeling the sweat, cool on his skin. "Note to self; take Tylenol before work."

He glanced at the clock, eight in the morning- he had time for a quick shower and maybe some pop tarts. Dean sighed, heading for the shower first- grabbing his work clothes and shoes to change into when he was done.

Dean had to admit that his shower felt fantastic- as in 'don't want to get out of the shower' fantastic. Showers were one of the few times that Dean felt like he was alone- but not lonely. To be alone was comforting, it was being comfortable enough with yourself that you don't need anyone else around. Yet to be lonely meant that there was a strong disconnect from you and everyone else. A type of 'me against the world' feeling.

Most days, Dean felt lonely- not alone.

He palmed his features, sighing out loud. Today already felt like one of those days, where the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Something about the way he felt just screamed 'everything is on you today'. To be fair, most days felt like that for him now. He had so much responsibility now a days, so much pressure to be someone he didn't want to be. Though most of it was pressure that he put on himself, it was pressure none the less.

Today did indeed feel like a hard day and the day hadn't even really began.

Sam had already drove himself to school, which means for the next thirty minutes or so he had the house to himself. Things were a lot easier since Sammy got his license, especially since work had a tendency to keep him really late- now he didn't have to get up to drive Sam to school. Bobby worked with cars so it was easy to get another car- since they had sold their mother's van. Or at least what was left of their mother's van after the accident.

The man pulled on his clothes with hesitation and affliction. He stretched his arms, feeling his joints pop and crack. Dean really should take more time off but he just didn't think he could afford to do that. He headed down the stairs making sure to stop in the kitchen to grab some Tylenol and some pop tarts.

Strangely it wasn't that they didn't have the money for Dean to take a sick day. Sure, things were tight but he knew that Sam wouldn't want him to work if he was that ill. He also knew that he never took sick days so if he did ask for one it would probably be pretty easy to get one.

No, it wasn't about the money. It was about the fact that Dean couldn't stand having the down time to think. When he thought about his life- he just got depressed. Sam kept insisting that it was because Dean hadn't dealt with his mom and dad's death. But really, Dean was just tired of life in general- there was just so much pain. It was like the pain had numbed him and now he wasn't experiencing anything anymore- at least a majority of the time. Which when he stopped to think about, it made him depressed.

Maybe he needed to be depressed for a little while, rather then feeling apathetic.

The air was brisk this morning, causing Dean to pull his coat closer. Every time that he inhaled the cold air it was like someone was stabbing him in the chest. He tried his best to breathe through the coat so some of the warm air when he exhaled would be there when he inhaled. But no matter what he did every time he took a breath he felt like he was swallowing needles.

The sky was gray, the clouds threatening freezing rain. It was an interesting contrast to the brightly colored leaves. Dean silently prayed that it wasn't going to start snowing yet- it wasn't even November and cleaning off the driveway was a pain. Not to mention the treacherous icy road ways that everyone was oh, so fond of.

Dean shuddered when the air hit him. Since breathing in the cold air was painful- as soon as he got the car turned on he cranked the heat. Dean did a once over, looking to see if the man in black was following him today. He didn't see him though, probably because there was no where dark enough to hide.

He made a mental note to stay out of dark alleyways and try and always be in well lit places.

Dean backed out carefully, making sure that he didn't hit the trash cans at the end of the of the driveway. The radio was boring this morning, no matter what station Dean played there was just boring talking. Politics, celebrities, scandals, more politics, news, the occasional inspirational story, and then every so often one song would get put on the station. In frustration he clicked the morning radio off.

"God I hate talk shows." Dean sighed.

It was too early and too cold for this but Dean had to do what he had to do. As he pulled up to the shop, he hesitated. Dean felt a wave of sickness in his gut, but he shoved it back and parked. He headed to the garage, which was half open and half closed. It was shielded from the wind but it was still pretty cold.

Great, he'd be inhaling needles all day.

In a way, Dean could understand why his dad liked this job so much. It was simple- there was no screwing around with people. Instead, he got to tinker around with cars- which couldn't talk. They couldn't complain, or scream, or lie- they were easy to work with. He only had to work with people every once and a while but mostly it was the owner who worked with everyone.

On top of not having to talk to people, there was also a certain therapy about tinkering with a car all day. It was like he was accomplishing something and that felt good- since most of this jobs didn't really feel good. Construction took too long and he hated working as a waiter. This was the only job that he had that he really enjoyed. Plus in a way, when he was working, he felt like he was closer to his father.

Dean slid underneath the car, tinkering away with different parts of the cars. He felt himself sweating in the cold air but he ignored it. Dean coughed a little, feeling a violent tickle in his throat and another lurch in his stomach.

"Dean, you okay?" a voice called. It was Luther, a guy who worked in the shop with him. He was an okay guy- a little rough around the edges but okay underneath. He looked a lot like a biker so people had a tendency to be afraid of him. In fact, now that he thought about it- it was actually pretty likely that he was a biker. Since he mostly worked on motorcycles and bikes that came through- not cars. He was the garage's specialist, at least when it came to bikes.

"Yeah." Dean rasped out, coughing again into the crook of his elbow. "Damn. This cough."

He heard Luther laugh in the background, though it was more of chuckle, "Yeah, well, it's the season for that kind of thing. If you really feel that shitty though, you should go to a doctor. Or do you still have a vendetta against doctors?"

"I wouldn't say it's a _vendetta, _more like a general pessimism and distaste for doctors." he replied from under the car. He reached for a wrench, toggling with a screw that was loose.

"Don't you have a 'pessimism and distaste' for most things?" Luther questioned.

Dean laughed, which hurt his throat a little. "I guess. Yeah. Okay, so maybe it's not a pessimism it's a distrust and loathing of doctors. Better?"

"Yeah." the biker returned. "That's better. I mean 'a general pessimism and distaste' could be used to describe like your whole personality."

"Hey."

"I'm just saying you don't like a whole lot of things."

"I like women, classic rock, cars, pie-"

"So you're a man of simple tastes." Luther observed. "I can respect that. Still you're kind of a grump most of the time."

"You try working three jobs, one of which calls for you to be someone's bitch. We'll see how you fair in comparison." Dean retorted.

Luther leaned back in his chair, observing the bike that he was working on. "Still trying to get Sam into a fancy college?"

"Yup."

"Man I don't know how you even do that."

"Do what?" Dean asked, screwing a bolt that was loose back in.

"Care so much about one person. I mean-"

"Dean." a voice called from the door.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

"I need you out here." his boss, Roy called from the door. Roy and his friend Walt had taken over the place from his dad. As far as Dean knew they were friends with his dad, but Dean didn't really know much about their connection besides that. Dean pushed himself out from under the car, standing up to dust himself off. "I'd like to introduce you to someone."

"Okay. Sure." Dean followed behind his boss, wiping the grease and oil off his hands and onto a spare towel. "Who am I meeting?"

Roy gave a little laugh, "Well, he's a representative. They've invested quite a bit of money into our shop- they heard that we work very hard. Anyway, he says that you two have already met actually that's why he requested you work on his car. It's a hell of a wreck- I don't even wanna know what the guy was doing with it."

"Did you catch a name?" Dean asked. Roy stopped, gesturing to a man who was standing facing a window. He was dressed in a nice looking suit and a black trench coat was hung over a chair next to him. Dean sized him up quickly, trying to see if it was the same figure that was lurking in the shadows. He didn't think so, the lurker was taller.

"Hello Dean." a gruff yet familiar voice said. Dean blinked a few times, his mind not processing what his ears heard. The man turned slowly so Dean could come face to face with his past. A quick rush of emotions ranging from rage to utter joy washed over Dean as he tried to realize what this meant.

"Cas." Dean managed to get out. He was looking well, in a nice dapper suit with faint pinstripes that Dean hadn't noticed before. His shirt underneath was a bright red- a color Dean never thought he would see Castiel in. He also had on a black tie- he looked strangely put together except for the dark bags under his eyes. In fact, he even looked healthier then he had in high school- potentially more muscular. Which Dean couldn't help but notice- but the moment that he did he silently cursed himself for making a note of it.

"You can leave now." Castiel said dismissively. "If I need anything else I'll be sure to ask you."

Dean immediately noticed the change in tone and the way that he spoke, when he told Roy to leave. There was something different and Dean couldn't quite put his finger on it. He guessed that once he had a chance to listen a little more he might be able to figure out what it was about Castiel's new tone that he didn't like.

"Right." Roy replied leaving the two of them alone. Dean shifted on his feet feeling incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. He had no idea what to say to Cas, he had no idea what he should be feeling at the moment.

Once he was gone Castiel headed for the door gesturing for Dean to follow him outside. They came face to face with the remnants of a car. Dean walked over to observe- his best guess was a black Chevrolet corvette of some kind. Wait- Cas drove a corvette? How strangely dangerous of him, though he reminded himself that Cas wasn't the same person as before. One whole side had been totaled, so had the front. "I need you to fix my car." he offered, his tone flat and even a little bored.

_That's all he has to say to me?_

"So what? You just show up out of nowhere and demand I fix your car without any type of explanation as to where you've been or what you've been doing? Is that it?" Dean declared with obvious frustration at his former friend's apathy.

Castiel blinked a few times, it was as if this was the first time in a long time that he had been challenged by anyone else. "Would you rather I took it to someone else who I didn't trust to fix it?" Cas questioned flatly.

"No. I- yes- I don't know. I guess my question is why now? Why show up now?" Dean fumed, circling the car like a hungry vulture. He glance past Castiel, taking note of what he thought was a figure ducking behind one of the garages. Though, he guessed it could have just been his imagination.

"Because my car was broken. I needed it fixed."

His attention was tore away from the garage where there was potentially a shady figure. Dean was having a hard time focusing on anything but how irritating he thought Cas was being. Dean was about to choke him- _He's missing for three years and this is all he had to say? _The feelings in Dean's head that said he should be happy to see his friend were quickly evaporating. Leaving only frustration, sadness, bitterness, and even a little distrust- Dean sighed a little.

"Forget it."

"Okay." Cas responded dryly. Dean glared at his former friend. He felt like Castiel was jerking him around on purpose- either that or he had just forgotten how to interact with normal people. Either way Dean had to choke back a serious urge to punch him in the face.

It was like he was a whole different person.

"So what the hell did you do to your car? I mean this is some pretty extensive damage." Dean asked, hoping to steer the conversation in a direction that would actually be useful to him- instead of just frustrating.

"I crashed it. At high speeds."

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, counting to five in his head. "I can _see that_."

"Into another car, which was also going at high speeds." Castiel offered.

Something about Castiel's tone was different. Instead of having a social awkwardness that was somewhat endearing- his tone was cold, judgmental, and removed. There was still a lack of understanding about social situations yet instead of it having a general curiosity it now just had a belittling quality. It was as if Cas had become a prideful while he was away, which didn't seem fitting for him.

"That's generally how crashes happen Cas." Dean retorted with heavy sarcasm intended.

"Castiel." Cas returned. "I gave up the name 'Cas'."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Fine, Castiel then. I can fix the damn car."

"Nice to see you learned to say my name correctly."

"You aren't really leaving me with much of a choice." Dean answered.

"Well I thought that you genuinely couldn't pronounce my name."

"Mostly I just like the name Cas better. It's more personal, it isn't so weird."

"Hn."

Dean turned away heading back for the garaged. He didn't want to be out in the cold anymore, his chest was hurting. In truth he honestly didn't want to talk to this pain in the ass anymore either. _He goes away for three years, then suddenly shows up out of nowhere with a god complex. Great. _Dean thought to himself.

"You don't look well." Castiel observed, his voice right behind Dean causing him to turn around and then jump. He hated when Cas snuck up on him like that- at least that hadn't changed about him. "You really should see a doctor."

"God Cas, personal space." Dean snapped, causing Cas to take a step back.

"I told you to call me Castiel."

"Look I'm not gonna just get over calling you Cas, okay? I mean you call someone something for a while and then they go away and you think that calling them that is fine still. Then they show up and say that they don't want to be called that anymore. The change isn't gonna just happen over night. And I'm fine. My health is none of your damn business." Dean turned away from Castiel, heading back for the door again. Coughing because of the tickle in his throat. Castiel reached forward and grabbed a hold of Dean's shoulder, turning him violently and staring him down.

Castiel's eyes insisted that Dean go seek medical treatment. Dean's eyes refused, showing that he had no interest in doing what Castiel told him to do. Both of them displayed a cold dominance in their eyes- having a tousle without even touching one another. Dean was unyielding and eventually Castiel looked away. _That's what I thought._

The two walked in silence, Castiel slightly behind Dean. On a normal day, Dean would have held the door open out of common courtesy yet he opted not too. He didn't think that Cas deserved it, not that it mattered because of Castiel's sheer proximity he was able to stop the door from slamming in his face.

Dean was greeted with a wash of warm air, his body trembled- he was having trouble adjusting to the temperature. He combed a hand through his hair, feeling his body getting uncomfortably hot. Dean tried to take deep breaths without being obvious- in hopes that it would quell the dramatic change in temperature. Sadly, it didn't do much good besides making his lungs hurt from the quick change.

He watched as Cas stalked over to his coat, picking it up- weird how he didn't wear it outside. Wasn't he cold? It was freezing out there- then again maybe since Cas had suddenly turned cold blooded he didn't need a coat. There was a thought. Then Castiel walked in front of his companion giving him an intrusive look. Dean let out a heavy exhale.

"You shouldn't go to work tonight." Castiel offered, his tone contradicting his words. He couldn't possibly care- there was no way that he did. Yet the words themselves implied that he was worried about Dean's physical state. But the dead pan voice seemed to betray his interest in Dean's health.

This time it was Dean's turn to look away- he shifted his head to right, his eyes downcast. Dean didn't want to concede the battle but somewhere deep down he knew Cas was right. That didn't mean that he had to admit it though. He tried to pretend that he didn't hear whatever Cas had said to him. He decided to give no indication or cue that he had absorbed what his former friend had said.

This however, was a mistake.

Castiel took a step forward, invading Dean's personal space- he had no concept of boundaries. Dean wasn't looking at him but he could still feel his unwanted intruder piercing his bubble of comfort. A sense of bitter cold, clashing with Dean's potential fever. He leaned back trying to take a step away, but before he had the chance to he felt a cool hand on his forehead.

This caused Dean to be startled since he wasn't expecting it. He ended up looking back at Cas finding his eyes. Again he was reminded of how stunning they were. He mentally cursed- Castiel's eyes tried to soften but it seemed like they no longer knew how.

"You have a fever." Cas said lowly. Dean watched, still stunned at the gesture- he didn't expect Cas to care based on how he'd been acting. Yet once again his words- or in this case his actions- were betraying his tone. He could feel himself shrink in his shoes, feeling small and insignificant. He drew in a quick breath feeling like a total jackass.

Dean watched Castiel try to soften, but his features were still very stiff. It was like watching a robot trying to express concern and empathy. It just wasn't in his programming and that made the gesture feel awkward.

For a brief moment, Dean remembered the old Cas. That awkwardness that was hanging in the balance. The words on the tips of both of their tongues- that was the Cas that Dean grew fond of. A voice rang in his head, interrupting his reverie.

_I love you and I'm sorry._

Dean swatted Castiel's hand away turning away. He shoved the queasy feeling in his stomach back down. He shoved his feelings down, putting a lid on the past. Irritation bubbling in his blood, he felt the goosebumps on his skin and he could tell they weren't from the cold.

"I'm fine." Dean insisted, starting back to the garage. "Just leave your keys to the car on the desk and I'll move it inside the garage in a little bit."

Dean was sure to slam the door to the garage closed behind him, hoping that Cas understood that he wanted as little to do with him as possible. Though knowing Cas, Dean doubted that he got the message. "_Don't go to work tonight Dean, me meh me me meh._" Dean muttered, impersonating Castiel but breaking into an annoyed groan.

"Well, someone's pissed." Luther offered.

"Hell yes I'm pissed."

"Why?"

"Look someone can't just show up after three years- out of no where- with no warning and expect me to be mindlessly obedient." Dean mumbled, stalking over to his car and sliding back underneath.

"Did they actually say that you needed to be 'mindlessly obedient'?" Luther asked settling back down in front of his motorcycle.

"Didn't need too."

"So this chick-" Dean slammed his head into the top of the car accidentally, causing a loud thud in the middle of Luther's statement. Dean realized that Luther assumed it was a girl- he should probably keep it that way. Cas was experimental Dean decided in the moment. "You okay?"

Dean reached up rubbing his head where he had hit it. "Yeah I'm fine."

"Jeez. Don't scare me like that man. So this chick, she was really close to you and she shows up after three years- demands you uproot your life for her?"

"Not quite... It's more like their being here uproots my life. I mean I haven't seen them for years and we didn't part on the best of terms. I mean, what do they expect me to do? Just suddenly drop everything to help them just because they asked? Just suddenly start caring again?"

"Did you care about her in the first place? I mean you would have been what- eighteen? Most of the chicks I dated in high school I didn't even care about. Was she important to you before?"

"I don't know." Dean offered, when he thought about it the whole time was a huge gray area in his life. Cas had told him that he loved him and Dean had a hunch that he didn't mean as just a friend. But, Cas had kind of sprung it on him and he never really thought about what he felt. Or what the ramifications of what he felt meant. The whole area just seemed to be shrouded in ambiguity and Dean wasn't really sure where to go with it.

_I love you and I'm sorry._

Tch. The words echoed in Dean's head like they were on a loop- who the hell was he to even say that? You don't just spring that on someone, you just don't. He decided, that like most things, he would shove it into the back of his mind and let it stew. Dean just didn't need that pressure on him- he was already under enough stress as it was.

"Order up!"

"Coming." Dean called from across the kitchen area- grabbing the trays and balancing them very carefully. By now he had mastered balancing trays on his arms. On a good trip he could carry at least two trays and as long as no one tripped him he would be fine.

Dean had opted not to take Castiel's advice about work. He was here and he was managing just fine- maybe he was a little bit slow but he was doing okay. He couldn't believe that Cas would doubt his abilities so much. Dean Winchester was not a quiter.

"Here you are." Dean hummed putting down his trays in front of his customers. He glanced up and noticed the blonde from yesterday sitting in his section. Dean made a mental note that once he was done with these people here he should go take the guy's order. "Can I get you guys anything else?"

The mother of the family looked up and smiled, "No thank you, I think were good right now."

Her smiled reminded Dean of his mom, did all mothers have the same smile? He flashed her a gentle smiled in return. "Well if you guys need anything be sure to call me over."

Dean paced over to the kitchen and sat down his trays. Then he went over to visit the blonde boy who was sitting in his section yet again. "Back again I see." Dean observed, the boy flashed a nervous smile. Then he shifted in his chair- seeming to be uncomfortable with the statement.

"Well I- I decided you guys have really good omelets."

Dean laughed a little, "What can I get you?"

"Just some water to start. I'm still looking the menu over." he replied, gazing back down to his menu.

"That indecisive attitude getting the best of you?"

He chuckled a little, "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"All right, well I'll be back in a bit to ask again." Dean replied, walking away. Once he got back behind the kitchen walls and out of customer sight he sighed. Emily walked behind him while carrying some food of her own. "You want help with that?"

She turned and smile, "Yeah. That would be great if you could just take this tray. I can handle the other two but this one is just bulky and with the others its kind of a problem." Dean grasped the bulky tray from his stumbling friend, he smiled at her. Though to be honest the smile was kind of exhausted. She observed his face, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." he returned, walking out of the kitchen area. Emily followed quickly behind, still looking concerned. She ran in front of him, showing him the way to her table. It was a family of four. A mom, a dad, and two boys- Dean secretly felt envy bubbling inside his gut.

"Here you guys are." Emily rang, putting down the plates. Dean watched as the older boy passed his plate over to his little brother before doing anything else. To most people it would just look like a mere coincidence- but Dean wasn't most people.

"_Here Sam." I called, passing over the spaghetti. It was rare for all the Winchesters to sit down and have a meal, since dad was out and about a lot of the time. Sam smiled scooping some onto his plate and smiling- then handing it back. _

"_Thanks."_

"_So Dean how's school?" dad attempted. He was never good at making conversation, but I don't really mind. At least he was trying to take an interest in what was going on in my life. Not that I really had anything good to say about school- it was my least favorite part of the day._

"_Good, I guess."_

_Sam smiled, firmly placing both of his hands on the table. "We learned about Roanoke today in class! It's creepy how so many people can disappear all at once leaving behind only one word."_

"_The lost colony, right Sam?" mom smiled, she had this habit of engaging both me and Sam. Though I gotta say I think it worked better on Sam- once he started, she could get him on a roll. Sam loved to show off what he learned at school._

_All things considered it was kind cute. I guess someone had to love school since I hated it so much. Sometimes me and Sammy could be as different as day and night-_

"Dean?" Emily asked, noting that he hadn't moved anywhere. "Are you okay?"

"Wha- oh I spaced out there a second. Enjoy your meal." Dean said to the family, bowing slightly feeling like he made a mistake. He felt really silly for spacing out so much, in fact he was kind of confused as to why he did. Dean hadn't really thought about his childhood dinners together for a long time- why think about them now?

Emily and Dean made their way back to the kitchen. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I told you, I'm fine. I just spaced out." Emily glared, as if to say she didn't believe him. "Honest."

Dean took a few steps back, wiping his face on his sleeve. The fever was causing him to feel uncomfortably hot at the moment, even a little dizzy. Yet he pressed on working, he went out and took the blonde kid's order- he ended up ordering another omelet. Then he worked with one of the families in his section.

Time seemed to be passing by rather slow as he worked. Every minute felt like an hour, it was probably the cold- but he had to keep going. Still whenever he looked at the clock he felt a tick of irritation. All he wanted was for it to be two in the morning so he could go home and get some sleep.

The good news was that today was a slow day- after about ten people stopped showing up. There weren't even stoner junkies and drunks, at least not as much as usual. By about eleven no one was even in the place- so Dean and Emily went and sat out at one of the booths. "I can't believe you didn't call off today."

Dean rolled his eyes, why did every one think he wasn't capable of handling being sick? If he was really that bad then he would have called off, but the fact of the matter was- he wasn't. He shrugged his shoulders as if to indicate his indifference to the subject. "I don't know. I didn't really think that I needed to."

"Have you looked at yourself in a mirror?"

"No."

"Do me a favor and go to the bathroom and look at yourself." Dean gave her an annoyed look as if to say, 'are you serious'. She pointed to the bathroom and stared at him until he decided to get up. Reluctantly, Dean rose to his feet- grabbing the table for support since he felt pretty weak. Though he played it off as though he had simply tripped over his own feet.

As he was on his way to the bathroom he glanced out the window- there was that figure again. Dean watched, sizing him up in comparison to Cas who he had seen earlier today. There was no way it was him. He was about a foot taller and he had more muscle to him- still that provoked the question, if it wasn't Cas who was it? Dean watched the guy- who ducked behind a car after a few moments. Dean rolled his eyes and pushed open the bathroom door.

He stopped in front of the mirror. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this..." he muttered with irritation. The moment that he actually stopped to look though, he saw what Emily had been talking about.

His face was as white as a sheet, he looked like a ghost. Though his cheeks were a bright red. In fact he kind of looked like some girl had tied him to a chair and took the blush to his face. The mere thought of a thirteen year old girl tyeing him to a chair made him want to puke. As if he wasn't having enough trouble with that already.

Dean combed a hand though his hair- it was messy, though it was presentable. Dean guessed that mess was a mixture of car grease and sweat. It worked as a fantastic hair gel- except that it felt friggan nasty. Speaking of nasty, he had gray bags under his eyes- probably from lack of sleep. They were more noticeable though, since he was so pale.

_If Sam looked like this I'd make him stay in bed. _Dean thought to himself.

Still there was no way that he was gonna back out now. There was no way that he was gonna give in to Castiel. There was something about someone telling Dean that he shouldn't do something, that made him want to do it more. It was like walking by a fire alarm and not being able to pull it. In high school he had pulled the alarm twice.

Both times were after his mom died, but before he dropped out of school. Both times he had been suspended for a week. Though they were pretty lenient about it- something about acting out because of grief. Though Dean didn't see how pulling a fire alarm was gonna help him grieve less. All in all the whole concept made no sense whatsoever.

Dean turned away from the mirror, leaning against the sink. He still had a couple of hours but he wasn't gonna back down now- even though the urge to throw up was growing. Dean would muddle though, just like with everything else.

He threw the door open, then wobbled realizing that he had pushed the door pretty hard. He passed over to Emily who had a satisfied look on her face. "Believe me now?"

"So I have some bags under my eyes. I'm fine really." Dean insisted, wobbling on his feet again. She raised an eyebrow, glaring in response. Dean took a hold of the back of a chair, using it to steady himself. "Like I said... I'm fine."

"You're near collapsing and you say you're fine? Man you've got some serious issues." Emily replied, looking out the window. Dean shrugged and headed back to the kitchen- there were only a few times that he was irritated with Emily and this was one of them. She was sounding like Cas...

_You have a fever._

Dean felt himself sway on his feet again.

_You shouldn't go to work tonight._

He held his head lightly trying to stop the voices and the dizziness.

_You have a fever._

Suddenly the whole world spun, Dean's legs gave out beneath him. His vision went black, his whole body feeling weak and limp. He heard Emily in the background behind him.

"Oh my god! Dean!"

_You shouldn't go to work tonight._

He fought with himself to stay awake, feeling like thousands of pounds were attached to his eyes.

"Dean! Dean! Becky get in here!"

_You shouldn't go to work-_

_A fever._

Clomp, clomp, clomp. Were those footsteps? He was too tired to tell.

_You have a-_

_Shouldn't-_

"Dean! Dean!"

_I'm sorry-_

_I-_

"Oh do you, do you know-?"

_Shouldn't-_

"Friend-"

_Love-_

_I-_

"Dean."

_Whose voice is...?_

"Dean."

_I-_

Silence. A warm darkness and silence.

* * *

_Dean this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. Dummy._

_Like I said I'm gonna be posting these chapters as I finish them, this chapter was already half written when I posted chapter one so it's done pretty close. So the next chapter won't probably be for the next few days. Still enjoy the chapter. The next chapter is gonna be fun, because Dean is an idiot. As for Castiel, let me explain it like this...  
_

_In 'Worker Bee' he was more along the lines of season 4 and season 5 Castiel. Now think of him as more of a season 6 and season 7 Castiel. You know, crazy god complex/prideful Castiel. Anyway, I suppose you all have your theories anyway so don't forget to leave reviews. I love to hear your crazy theories.  
_

_One thing I love about Supernatural, there are so many characters. It's like there are so many characters that are on screen for like five minutes that I don't have to come up with Mary Sue's to fill space. (Example here I used Luther who was that vampire from season 1 episode 20 Dead Man's Blood.) Plus these characters are only on screen for five minutes so I have wiggle room for how they behave. Just saying, it makes background characters easier.  
_

___**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	3. You Break Everything You Touch

Chapter 3: You Break Everything You Touch

"God- ugh..." Dean groan out loud. His throat was really dry and when he spoke it came out as more of a rasp then anything else. He rolled over on his side, he could feel his muscles scream- every limb aching and sore. He could feel his shirt peel off of his skin, he was drenched in sweat. Pretty nasty stuff- everything felt really hazy, in fact he couldn't really remember anything. What even happened to him in the last few hours? He groaned again- this time more to himself, he glanced around his bed room.

Wait, his bed room? How did he get in his bed room?

Dean tried to work backwards in his memory but it wasn't working. He went to the shop yesterday, then he saw Cas. Only Cas wasn't really Cas he was kind of a jerk. Then he came home and changed his clothes. After that he went to work, which was long and annoying and then-

Nothing.

"The hell...?" he muttered to the dark room. Palming around for his night stand so he could switch on the light, but he couldn't seem to reach. He decided that he needed to sit up so he could find the lamp. Halfway up he felt a sharp pain in his lungs and he laid back down. His chair swiveled, making a soft squeak and drawing his attention.

"Hello Dean."

"Cas?" Dean asked, squinting into the dark room trying to make out Castiel's figure. "How the hell did you know that I was- where was I again?"

"I have someone watching you. I told you, I would always be in the shadows looking out for you. My friend told me that you went to work after I told you not to. He also told me that you were looking quite a bit worse then when I saw you. He said you appeared to be on the brink of collapsing. So, after my friend left he came and got me and we stayed in the parking lot- watching the diner." Cas replied, examining a photo on Dean's desk.

"So that guy I keep seeing in the shadows? That was your doing?" Dean asked softly.

"I don't know who you're talking about."

Dean grunted, how could he be playing dumb when he just admitted that he had eyes watching him? "That dark figure that I keep seeing every where. He's always lurking around corners and watching me through windows."

"That sounds- remotely creepy."

"Yeah. Tell me about it. So why do you keep having him follow me?" Dean answered, annoyed.

"I don't have any creepy stalker types following you. My friend actually goes and sits _in_ the diner." Castiel replied. "Look, that's not important right now. You're sick, its four in the morning- go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

"What if I want to talk now?"

"Must you be so difficult?"

"Does Sam know you're here?" Cas stalked over to where Dean was laying, sitting down on the foot of the bed. Dean watched him in the darkness, visibly wanting him to leave. Yet at the same time, secretly hoping that he would stay.

"Do you always answer a question with another question?"

"I don't know. Do you?" Dean asked. Now he was just trying to annoy Castiel. It was like a contest to see who would give up and stop asking questions first. Although, Dean had to realize that this wasn't really getting either of them anywhere.

Castiel apparently realized this too and gave up. Sighing softly as he replied, "No I don't."

"So then just answer the damn question. Does Sam know you're here?" Dean repeated, secretly gloating over his victory.

"No."

"How the hell did you get in then?" Dean asked.

"You keep a spare key behind the bird house hanging on your porch. It's hidden but due to the fact that we have eyes on your house, we've seen you and Sam use it once or twice. I didn't know where your house key was..." Cas answered robotically.

"Well thats... remotely creepy and stalkerish. So let me get this straight, you tell me not to go to work tonight because you think I look sick. I refuse. Then you have some guy sitting in the diner and watching me at work. He see's that I haven't called off and he gives you a call. Then you pop in and watch me from a car, presumably with your buddy. I pass out- you rush in and take me home in my car while your buddy takes your car back?" Dean summed up.

"Pretty much. Look will you sleep?"

"No. I'm not done yet and even if I was I think I would have an issue sleeping. You want to know why? It's cause I'm not really _comfortable _with you sitting on the edge of my bed, while I rest helplessly." Dean snapped. Then he noticed, Cas twitched a little- was that irritation? It was hard to tell in the dark.

"What would be the point of me saving you just to hurt you?" he reasoned.

"Well you're not really _you _anymore." Dean answered, he knew he probably shouldn't be provoking Castiel but for some reason he couldn't help it. There was something about this new Castiel that was driving him crazy. In fact- there was something about Castiel that was driving him crazy, period.

"You think that I'm a completely different person now?" Castiel asked, sounding slightly hurt and maybe even a little insulted.

"Yes I do."

"Why?" he asked his voice returning to that deadpan tone.

"Because you sure as hell aren't the Cas that I remember." Dean reasoned. He believed it and he believed it strongly. Something about this new Castiel just wasn't the same. He wasn't the same person that Dean had met in the hospital. He just didn't have the innocence and the stumbling awkwardness that Dean remembered.

"Is that what you honestly think?"

"Yes it is." Dean finalized. Cas shifted a little, looking down at his hands which were balled up in his lap. In the darkness it was even harder to make out Castiel's expression, but if he had to guess- he'd say Cas looked hurt. Wounded perhaps.

"You think I'm like my brother now?"

"Yup."

There was a quick ruffle in the sheets and before Dean could even fully comprehend what was going on, he could feel the weight on his wrists before he could realize that he was being pinned. His breath hitched, his stomach squirmed, chills shot through his whole body. A large shadow was looming over him, Castiel wasn't amused by his antics apparently. It was alarming to say the least. Dean had never been pinned down before and he had _especially_ never been pinned to a bed before.

Needless to say, he didn't enjoy the feeling.

"C-Cas... what the hell?" Dean rasped out, but he was met with icy features. He thrashed his wrists around, trying to get free but he just didn't have the energy to break free. So instead he kicked his legs- they hit Cas in the side but he still didn't move. "Let go of me-!"

A stone cold silence was his only answer. Whatever Cas had to say he wasn't gonna say it until Dean calmed down. Thought the catch twenty two of the situation was that by holding Dean down, he was making it harder for himself later. Dean didn't enjoy being kept against his will.

"Cas... seriously- get off!" he whispered for fear of waking Sam, but his tone was harsh and hostile.

Again Dean struggled against his captor. It seemed like all he had been doing lately was struggling against Castiel. Dean tried to roll over- which in hindsight was a bad idea because then Cas would have just fallen on him- but to now avail. Cas just pushed down on his wrists harder, making struggling harder.

"Are you finished?" Cas asked.

"God- seriously?!" Dean groaned, kicking up again and throwing his head to the side in futility.

It was like he was unable to escape. He had to face the reality that no matter what he did, right now he had no hope of escape. There was no way to get away from Castiel, there was no way to ignore him.

"You're going to give yourself whiplash."

"I'm not gonna play your stupid games Cas. Get. Off. Me."

Cas sighed. "It's not a game Dean."

"Really? Then is this how you get your kicks now?! You're a sick puppy aren't you?"

"I'm not doing this for fun." Cas answered sharp and dangerous.

"So what? Why?! God you're disturbed."

"I'm trying to make a point, if you would just-"

"Nobody cares Cas! No one cares that you're broken. No one cares that you're the lonely shell of a man you used to be. Someone that I actually respected- No one cares that you've changed. Okay? You've moved on- well- so has everyone else-" Dean kicked upwards, hitting Cas in the side again. The threw his head back and forth and thrashed his wrists again. Castiel's features hardened, he was thinking about something.

"Is it that no one cares? Or is it that you just don't care anymore?"

Wait. Did he mean that?

A silence fell and Dean was left breathless from trying to escape.

In normal circumstances there was no doubt in Dean's mind that he'd be able to get free- although he hadn't tested that theory. Still he was pretty confident that he was stronger then Castiel on a normal day. Yet here he was ill, there was no way that he could get away. He felt helpless and small, he squirmed a little again but soon gave in. He was too weak.

After a few moments, Dean dared to gaze up at Cas.

His eyes; even in this light they were still his most noticeable feature. They were hard and dominant, a trait Dean wasn't used to seeing on Cas. He could tell that his friend had seen way too much in the past three years. He could tell that Cas had done things that he wasn't proud of. Yet at the same time- there was still a little boy hiding. Perhaps it was the shape, or the color, or just the sheer vibe Dean got from him- but there was still a little of the old Castiel left. He could tell, or maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe he was deluding himself again.

For a moment- which seemed to last a life time- there was silence. Both of them just listening to the others shallow breathing. Adrenaline pumping, but nothing happening. Dean watched Castiel's eyes as they stared him down- like a lion staring down its captured prey. It was a hungry stare. The stare of someone who had had enough, he just wanted to make his prey shut up. Like Castiel was barely holding himself together. Whatever it was that Dean had said, or however Cas had taken it- it had royally pissed him off.

He felt himself swallow down, butterflies in his stomach threatened to make him ill.

Dean staring back, genuinely exhausted by his illness, yet irritated by his emotions and even angrier at his inability to do anything. The elder Winchester wanted so much to fight back, for it was his nature. He wanted to shove Cas off him but he didn't have the strength.

Cas closed his eyes for a moment, sighing a little.

"Dean Winchester, I have done nothing but try to _help_ you. I have done nothing but try and _protect_ you and your brother. I went against _everything _that I believed in- including some of my own family. If you don't like the person I became then _fine_. You have every right to dislike who you see. There are a lot of things that I've done that I'm not proud of. Still, that doesn't make me there for your personal amusement. Even if I have done some bad things I'm still a person and I would appreciate that you treated me like a human being. Not some character that you think you know all about. Not some type of animal you like to kick around for fun. And not some type of robot devoid of all feelings and emotions. You don't know who I've been, _for you_. You don't know what I've done, _for you_. I accepted the fact that you don't know how to say thank you a long time ago. I accepted the fact that you don't know how to apologize a long time ago. And you know what? I forgive you for all your shortcomings. But I will be damned if I just sit here and let you insult me for your personal amusement."

Dean didn't know what to say, he was stunned by Castiel's ability to describe what he was thinking and feeling. That didn't seem very Castiel of him. Silence clung to his throat, guilt hung in his gut as he looked at his friend. He realized that Cas was right, he had never said thank you.

But then again, Cas had just pinned him to a bed against his will. He was unnaturally aggressive- like his whole nature had changed. So why the hell did Dean owe _him_ an apology? Of all the people that Dean felt he should apologize to, Castiel wasn't first on his list.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? Will that make you feel better?" Dean snapped.

"Not if you don't mean it. I'm just trying to make a point."

"Well, you failed. Cause now, I ought to kick your ass out of principle."

"Arguing like you is like arguing with a brick wall-" Cas said rolling his eyes.

"Right back at you." Dean retorted, his voice escalating. If they weren't careful they were going to wake Sam up. That would be great, he'd come in to see Cas pinning Dean to a bed. Then he'd ask what was going on and they'd both probably just tell him to shut up and go back to bed. Or at least Dean would.

"I'm not trying to argue! I'm trying to tell you to sleep!"

"Really? It sure sounds like you're arguing to me."

Castiel sighed, exacerbated, "You're making this way more difficult then it needs to be."

"Oh. I'm making this difficult? I'm not the one who went on a long rant about how- 'I'm a human being.' and 'You're not being fair.' News flash jackass, this is how I normally act."

"And you say I'm the one who changed?"

"I've always been this way Cas. This is nothing new. So I don't know why you suddenly think my attitude is unfair or whatever. This is just me. This is how I normally act." Dean finished. Cas looked away, his features scrunching like he was just shot.

At first Dean was debuting about whether or not what he was saying was fair. He wasn't sure if he should be this harsh with Castiel. Maybe his words were coming off a little bit more forceful then normal. Yet on the other hand he had never apologized for the jerk that he had been. He never gave the proper apology for all the things that he had done. For all the mistakes that he had made. Dean Winchester just wasn't the type to do that sort of thing. Cas should know that and he shouldn't expect a damn apology.

"What do you want from me?"

"Maybe a little respect. I don't have to be doing any of the things that I do for you and your brother. I do it because I care-"

_He wants respect? _Dean thought to himself, remembering how as a child his mother always told him that if he wanted respect he had to give it. Dean was pretty sure that Cas wasn't giving respect, so why should he get it? _Doesn't even freaking deserve it._

"Well don't." Dean simplified.

"I can't."

As far as Dean was concerned he didn't have anything he needed to apologize for. In fact, maybe it was Cas who needed to apologize for becoming such a royal pain in the ass. For being such a jerk, for up and leaving him in the dark with no explanation whatsoever. For dropping off the face of the earth and leaving only one last vague statement.

"You know if anything, you should be apologizing to me." Dean reasoned out loud. This statement provoked another intense look from his captor. He looked like he wanted to punch Dean in the face- yet he didn't.

"_I_ should apologize to _you_? For what? I've done nothing but look out for you."

"For- For-" Dean couldn't get it out. He couldn't express the real reason that he thought Cas should apologize. He bit down on his lower lip- exhaling in frustration.

_I love you and I'm sorry._

Dean felt his blood boil, Cas shouldn't be treating him this way. Yet he didn't feel like arguing about it, in fact he didn't even feel like bringing it up. It was just a big mess that he didn't want to deal with right now. Castiel's lips parted a moment. Dean felt himself hone in on them, like a sniper through a scope. Cas drew in a slow breath and exhaled some of his irritation. He let go of Dean's wrists and sat up when it was clear Dean wasn't going to say anything.

"You know, I'm not the only one who changed." Castiel said, his voice attempting to soften but failing to do so. Still, in the wee hours of the morning and the darkness that they brought Castiel looked picturesque. There was a darkness around him, that suited his new attitude. It was as if Dean was staring at the lonely silhouette of a man who had once been great.

The picture of a man who had once been there for him. Someone that he used to know and-

Well.

He realized he was staring, so he rolled over. The two now facing in opposition from one another, Dean coughed into his hand and said nothing. He heard shifting as Castiel stood up from his bed, going over and sitting in his rolling chair. Dean could feel Cas staring and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

"I'm sorry." Castiel said softly, "Forgive me, I don't know how to be the person that I once-"

Dean had, had it up to here with Castiel's nonsense. "You know what Cas?"

"What?"

"You really do break everything you touch."

Dean pulled the covers over his head and pretended to go to sleep. Castiel didn't respond to Dean, or if he did- Dean couldn't hear him. Underneath the covers was uncomfortably warm for Dean, but he felt if he came out now his statement would lose its meaning. So instead he remained in his rabbit hole, hiding away from the red queen- or king in this instance.

Strangely, Dean didn't feel guilty about his statement to Cas. He really did mean it, Dean could no longer function correctly. There was no way that it was his fault that things were this way. Cas left _him. _Cas lied to _him. _Cas hurt _him. _And most importantly, Cas had changed- not the other way around.

Yes, Dean was convinced that this wasn't about him. This was about Castiel, he had made these mistakes and those mistakes had consequences on him. Those mistakes had caused these past three years to be spent in misery and loneliness.

Once again, Dean affirmed to himself that he didn't owe Cas any kind of explanation or any kind of apology. And with that denial and deluded way of thinking Dean was able to convince himself that there was nothing wrong with being angry. That his feelings were totally justified and he had no reason to feel bad about them.

Dean closed his eyes, feeling a chill rush over him. He welcomed back the embrace of sleep.

* * *

_*Feels silly because she's been posting daily even though she said she wanted to avoid posting daily.*  
_

_I can't help it that once I get a ball rolling I have trouble stopping it...  
_

_I had a long debut with myself about whether or not to post this as a short chapter or to conjoin it with the next chapter. After a lots of thought I decided to post this chapter on its own. I really think that this chapter is able to stand alone. Plus the next chapter has a slight shift in the mood, it seemed better to put this scene which is very heavy on its own. So that way when the reader starts the next chapter they'll have a fresh perspective on things._

_First of all, kudos to anyone who remembers that Castiel said 'I break everything I touch' in 'Worker Bee'. It really did happen.  
_

_Next, (this is a bit of a rant so if you don't feel like listening then don't read it) I love Supernatural as a show. I love Dean and Sam as characters, but I really do feel they have one character flaw that really gets under my skin. They don't know how to say 'Thank you' and they don't know how to say 'I'm Sorry'. They have a tendency to take those they love for granted. I believe the Castiel is the prime example of this, they always expect Cas to show up and do his angel magic and fix things. And when he can't fix things, they have a tendency to get angry at him. Yet on a regular basis he seems to be preforming small miracles. (They also have a tendency to do that to Bobby) Writing this chapter was very therapeutic for me as often times I feel that I am in the same boat as Castiel. (My friends expect miracles and when I can't produce they get mad.) I find it very frustrating that Castiel rarely gives Dean a piece of his mind. He very rarely tells Dean that he's being unfair and he very rarely even asks for help. Thus this chapter was really enjoyable to write because it was Castiel giving Dean a piece of his mind. Sadly, Dean doesn't seem to be listening though.  
_

_So while I was writing this chapter I was like, "Hell yes, you go Cas!" *totally fangirling*  
_

_Okay, rant over.  
_

_Lastly, Dean please remove your head from you sphincter, then continue narrating.  
_

_____**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	4. Sun and Moon

Chapter 4: Sun and Moon

He couldn't be in that house any longer, he wanted desperately to stay but he just couldn't.

Three years.

Castiel had waited to interact with Dean for three years. He wanted to mend the bridge between them- he had wanted to since the moment that he left. Yet he had to sit by and wait for permission from his brother. He had to wait until Lucifer thought that things would be safe. Until Lucifer knew that he wasn't going to lose his apprentice. Three years was a long time to wait. It left a lot of time to change, a lot of time to develop. Yes, it was true- he wasn't the same person as the last time they met. At least not on the outside- but if someone bothered to look below the surface they might find the same Cas. To be fair, Castiel was a complicated book to read- but that didn't make him worthy of being put on a shelf and left to collect dust.

Yet he felt that in some ways, Dean had done just that. Dean only read what he saw on the surface- someone who was cold, cruel, and uncaring. Someone who he could assume was just the same as Lucifer. Someone who no longer had any good qualities. But he should know better then that, he should know that Cas was a good person at heart. They may have only spent a few months together but Castiel very much valued their bond. He thought that Dean did too.

_Actions speak louder then words and Dean made it clear through both his actions and his words that he thought I was some kind of evil psychopath. _Castiel thought, breathing out cold morning air from on top of his car. Someone had dropped a spare car off at the Winchester house so he would have a way to get back. Instead of using as a way to get back though, Castiel had used it as a way to escape. When Castiel saw it outside he decided to get in and drive until he could find a nice place to watch the sun rise.

Impulse driving.

It was a habit that Cas had learned over time- he would get upset and then he would get behind the wheel and drive. Driving had a soothing effect on him and it was one of the few activities that he was still _allowed _to do. He would either drive until he found the sun or drive until he found somewhere to watch the sun rise. It was one of the only things that Lucifer hadn't taken away from him. He could still observe the beauty around him.

So on some days, Castiel would just take off in one direction. North, Southwest, Northeast, it didn't matter. Sometimes he would drive for hours- sometimes only minutes. Usually, it was just until he found some place that he could be alone. Parks, play grounds, empty fields, country back roads, hills; these were all the usual types of places. He also made a point to always try to go to new places, in fact he tried to never go to the same place twice. He always wanted to see the sun rise from a different perspective.

He breathed out the cold air, watching as it dissipated into nothing. It was funny how morning air did that. It was so cold that when the warm breath hit it, it created a temporary fog that everyone could see. Cas let out a long breath, watching again as it disappeared into nothing. Like water running down the drain- it was just gone.

Like all of his efforts to make amends.

Now he just felt depressed. It was that kind of thinking that made him want to jump off a bridge on a day to day basis. He sighed and shifted so he was sitting cross legged instead of with his feet out. The rays of light were just starting to peak over horizon. Castiel stopped musing over the way the fog drifted up and fixed his eyes on the distance.

A light fog covered the terrain, making everything difficult to make out. It wasn't impossible to see through but it did make things a little tough. A haze that made the earth look unsettled. Still- that made the sunrise more exciting. Rays of light were much easier to see when they were shinning through the fog.

It created a dreamy effect- almost like looking through the stain glass windows in a church. The reds and blues shinning down as light reflected through the windows. As the light made shapes on the cathedral floor. It was- poetic. Castiel smiled just a little at the thought. Maybe next time he decided to do something like this, he should watch the sunrise from a church window.

Now there was a thought.

It was a strange feeling, smiling. Cas didn't realize how long it had been since he had smiled. It felt like a foreign concept- he hadn't done it so long. Castiel wasn't capable of smiling around Lucifer. Any time that he did, Lucifer would either comment on his smile or do something that ruined it. A soft sadness washed over him- he had hoped, as silly as it sounds, that he would be sharing this smile with someone. But, here he was- alone. No one was smiling at him and he was only smiling to himself. He wasn't even smiling for his reflection.

A gentle pink glow peeked in the horizon- it blended seamlessly into a blue backdrop that was speckled with stars. A large reddish orange orb was just barely visible but Cas felt his eyes immediately drawn to it. It was blinding- radiant- the focal point of an otherwise empty photograph.

In a way, the color of the rising run reminded him very much of Dean. The way that it was able to stand alone, the way it was free and stood out from all around it. The rest of the world was drawn into its natural light- his natural charm. It wasn't even that it was the color, now that he thought about it- it was just the sun itself. The cold night sky was being warmed by the glow of the sun. It was being softened, by its charm.

Cas wondered silently if Dean would be able to soften his cold exterior again. Would the morning sun be able to turn the thick midnight sky into a picturesque vision of oranges, pinks, purples, and even a little blue. Would it be able to help the moon to feel warm again?

The sun crept higher, cresting at the top of the horizon- Castiel watched as the dark blues melted away. Yet the stars were still visible- if he squinted. The sun had ushered in a brightness that was lighting up the whole sky. It was amazing to think that the sun was just another star.

No. The sun wasn't just another star, it was the earth's savior. It kept it warm- habitable, without it everything would die. The earth would become a frozen, empty wasteland. The earth would be just like any other planet- the earth would become just like the moon. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. Just a cold, hunk of rock. Just another face on the morning subway.

_I wonder, without Dean will I fade into the background? Will I be just another face in the crowd? Perhaps I already am. What about me, makes me stand out from everyone else? What about me makes me special? I don't radiate light- don't effect everyone I touch. The only thing I do is break things- ruin lives._

_Perhaps I am doomed to be the moon. Solitary and unnoticed- everyone will sleep when I shine my brightest. No one will notice, that my phases change- no one will notice when I am absent. I will be doomed to forever chase the sun- yet I will never catch him. The only time we'll ever even exist in the same sky is during an eclipse._

Cas let another breath escape his lips. The morning air was brisk and chilling but he didn't mind. Very few people could appreciate the cold for what it was. Without winter there would be no spring and no summer. You needed one extreme to have the other.

"I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be." he whispered to no one. Watching as the sun climbed higher and higher, pushing away the night sky and the moon as well. "I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you. I can't be everything that you want me to be."

He hated to admit it but Lucifer was right. Castiel was doomed to only ever be a memory in Dean's past. Whether Dean knew it or not, he was destined to be someone great. Someday he would be somebody because that's just the type of person that he was.

Dean was the type of person who lit up a room as soon as he walked in. Just like the sun. The way that he laughed, the way that he smile, but most importantly the way that he always did what he thought was right. Dean often acted like he didn't believe that he was even capable of free will- but the truth was, everything he did was original. He was innovative and interesting. Dean had a way of drawing you in, with that smile of his and his stupid jokes.

It was true, someday Dean Winchester was going to be somebody.

And Castiel Milton would just be here.

He would always be under his brother's thumb. He would never be able to escape from that grasp. Free will just wasn't an option for him, he didn't have that luxury. He would always be a soldier, someone who was taking orders. Someone who never had the capability or the option to think for himself. Someone who was always alone. The moon.

These moments that he took to himself. These little trips into the middle of nowhere were the only original thoughts in his head. This was the only time that he had made a decision on his own. Maybe that was why he would take these moments, maybe that's why he loved them so much. They were the only time that he was able to compete with Dean Winchester and no one was even around to see it. Everyone was still asleep- waiting for the morning sun to light their sky.

Castiel chuckled softly, but his snickering turned into full blown laughter. He threw his head back and kept on laughing at the irony of it all. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes but he knew that he wasn't actually going to cry. He leaped off of the car, throwing his head up and looking at the sky.

"What the hell do you want from me?! I'm giving you everything that I have! I can't be who you want me to be! I can't be perfect, why do you expect me to be?!" Castiel screamed to the heavens, even knowing they would never give him any answers. "You son of a bitch. I believed in..."

He let himself collapse backwards, falling flat on his back into the moist grass. Cas closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. His throat hurt from screaming, he wasn't used to speaking above regular speech- let alone screaming. He glanced over, noticing that his phone had fell out of his pocket when he fell.

Cas picked it up, thumbing over his contact list. He stopped on Dean, letting his thumb hover over the delete button. Maybe he was better off alone, better off not caring anymore. Dean would be able to get on with his life- he wouldn't have to worry about his past dropping in to say hi. He would be able to go find a girl, get a house, and have two point five kids. He wouldn't ever have to worry about that weird kid who he met when his brother was in the hospital, again.

He wondered if Dean would ever even think about his experience of being romantically interested in another guy. Cas hesitated to slap any kind of label on it- as far as he knew neither of them had really decided a sexual preference. Did it even really matter?

There were so many other things to think about; like if life even had much of a point to it. Why should sexuality matter if he didn't even really want to live anymore? What about life even made it worth living?

For most people it was a person. They lived for love, whether romantic or friendship. Whether family or something in between, people often lived for other people. Then there were the people who lived to work, they lived for the job. They lived to feel accomplished in something that they did. Something that they effected. Lastly, there were the people who lived for the sheer experience of living. The people that wanted to live it up like there was no tomorrow.

Yet at the end of the day, when the curtain drops on someone how much have they really done in life? How will they be remembered years and years later? Cas sighed, realizing that if he died he doubted anyone would remember him. His siblings would move on and once they died no one would ever know who he was. No one would remember what he had done.

The truth was he didn't really feel like he had done anything except exist.

And if he died, he wouldn't have even made a dent in the world. Cas sighed, closing his phone and tossing it to the side. The morning frost had soaked through his clothes now, he felt cold and wet and he didn't even care. As far as he was concerned, he could lay there until the end of days. The one person that he had hoped would care, couldn't give a rats ass what happened to him.

"Are you alright?" a soft female voice asked. Cas didn't even bother to look, though he did open his eyes. He couldn't see her in his peripherals, but he could tell she was pretty close.

"I suppose you could say I'm having a bit on an existential crisis." he replied, his voice instantly snapping back into a dead tone.

"Oh..." she sounded confused. Then Cas heard rustling and a young girl, maybe thirteen, in pajamas and a parka came into view.

"You don't know what an existential crisis is, do you?" he asked slowly.

"No, not really. I mean... I've heard of them and I get them in theory, but I don't really know what that feels like." she answered crouching next to him.

_Wow, for once I understand something and someone else is confused._ Castiel thought to himself. He couldn't really think of anything to say, so he just laid there. The girl shifted, pulling her parka down so she could sit on it without getting wet from the morning frost. She hugged her knees to her chest as she sat still. In a way, just her presence was comforting to Cas. After it became apparent that Castiel wasn't going to speak, she decided to ask some questions.

"So, we don't get a lot of visitors out here, I know you said your having an existential- whatever but why here?"

"Where do you normally have an existential crisis? It's not like there's a set place to ponder your place in the universe." Castiel replied, thoughtful.

"What's your name?"

"Castiel..." he sighed a little, "But you can call me Cas if you can't pronounce that."

"I'm Layla."

"Well Layla, what are you doing out here? Besides talking to a strange man who is laying in a pile of wet, frozen grass." Cas asked.

"I live with my mom, in the house nearby. I wake up to watch the sun rise a lot. I saw you out here and I was curious."

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for school?"

"I don't go to school."

"What? Why?"

"I have this thing... Its a brain tumor, it can't be operated on. The doctors don't know when I'm going to die but... they know that I am going to die. Unless they find some kind of miracle. So I don't go to school anymore. There just isn't any point." she replied calmly.

"I'm sorry. If anyone should be having an existential crisis, it should be you. Not me."

"No. I've made my peace. I'm not afraid to die. I don't want to live my life that way. For lots of people it takes dying to know how to live. So... why are you so troubled?"

"Well- there's this guy. I care about him very much... He's the only person whose ever made me feel like..." Cas stopped to think of what words to use. "Who made me feel like I could be more. Like I could be better then what I am. Like I'm free to be who I want to be, I could be anyone."

"But?"

"But I had to go away... See someone in my family didn't want me to be near him. They didn't want me thinking like that. So they blackmailed me and told me that I had to be this entirely different person, that I didn't want to be. They made me lie and steal... and hurt people... And now- Now he thinks that I am that person. That I'm this evil soul who can't possibly be redeemed. I don't know why but he's just so angry at me all the time-"

"Ever think that maybe its because he's afraid to admit that he cares about you? Maybe he's afraid that you'll hurt him."

"And now... I'm sitting here wondering if life is even worth living. I mean... I can't be anyone. I'm not special or different. What makes my life valuable? What makes me stand out from everyone else? At the end of the day, why am I even alive? Am I just living because it's too much trouble to die? I just don't know." Cas sighed.

"All because one guy doesn't like you?"

"He's very, very important to me. And without him all of the doubts in my mind are just magnified." Cas answered closing his eyes and palming his features. Everything was so exhausting to think about. "Haven't you ever been around someone who just makes you feel like your so much stronger then you really are?"

Layla hoped to her feet, "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"To get a CD. We need some music, we can play it from your car. Music always helps me to feel better, sometimes I just turn it up so loud I can't even think." she said darting away. Cas let out a hurt chuckle. What a strange thing for her to think they needed. He rolled over, climbing to his feet and stalking over to the car. He threw open the door climbing into the front seat.

_Maybe I should go find a liquor store. _Castiel mused, staring blankly through the windshield. After a few minutes Layla came back holding a grocery bag, she climbed into the passenger seat putting the bag on the floor.

"I brought music and snacks." Layla said happily. "Okay so... I have a bunch of CDs... which one do you want to put on?"

"Chances are I haven't heard of any of them. Just pick one." Castiel replied. Layla shrugged and reached in the bag, grabbing a hold of the first one she could find. She pulled it out and read the front cover to herself- then she slid it into the slot. She skipped past the first track until she found one that she wanted to listen to.

_"Self-loathing is quaint,"  
you told me, showing restraint.  
Now you're gone and I'm lost,  
In the swells I am tossed -  
bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog.  
You said, "Forever..." Tell me, why can't you stay? _

"Did you have to pick a song that fit?" Cas groaned, hearing the opening lines. Layla laughed softly, she had an unusually calm laugh.

"I like for things to be appropriate. Though I hope you aren't drunk..."

"No I'm not drunk. At least not yet. I guess I feel like maybe I should be, but I'm not. I'm certainly depressed enough." Cas answered.

"Maybe I should just skip to the next track?" she asked.

"Sure..."

_Sun falls slowly on our lonely  
goodbye bedroom, you're my only._

Castiel groaned hearing the opening lines of the song. Did she have to pick songs that were so appropriate? It even had the right metaphor. "I'm sorry... I'm not helping you." Layla decided.

_My last night home is first-night nervous  
Take me over, remember all this 'til then... _

Castiel laughed cynically, "It's alright. I don't blame you. I'm what most people would consider 'a lost cause'. You don't need to apologize to me... I don't deserve-"

_Please save this for me,_

His phone started buzzing causing both of them to jump, Layla turned the stereo down but it was still playing softly in the background. Cas flipped it open, trying to regain his composure on the fly. "Hello?"

_I'll come back for you, love, I promise to._

"Cas- Castiel..." a male voice rasped. "The hell?"

_Please save this for me, for until I return_

"I'm sorry...?"

_my love will burn and my heart will stay. _

"You just up and left... I woke up this morning to a note that said my work was 'taken care of' and you're friggan no where to be found. I may be pissed but- I-" It was Dean, though hard to make out at first due to his rasp. The cold must really be doing a number on him. Castiel wondered when was the last time that Dean had been sick like this.

_My heart will stay. _

"You...?" Castiel echoed.

"Look I didn't want you to just clear out. Okay? Yeah, I'm pissed. But if a friend shows up and helps you and doesn't ask for anything in return... Well- you don't just push him away." Dean reasoned, Castiel could hear a slight panic in his voice.

"I just needed space. I'm sorry that I worried you..." Cas apologized. Wondering if he really should be apologizing.

Dean sighed, "Well- uh... do you... will you- are you going to come back...?"

Should he come back? After everything that had happened- after all of his existential pondering- should he go back to Dean? Even knowing that the sun and the moon didn't belong in the same sky. The sun would always push the moon away. It would only ever be freak coincidence that they existed in the same place at the same time. Even then one would always be blocking the other.

_It's gone cold now, we'll sleep somehow  
I'll be gone by first light, last chance, hold tight until then... _

He drew in a breath and held it, trying to think of what to say. He didn't know how to explain it or how to answer. Dean coughed lightly into the phone. Cas wasn't sure if it was intentional or not- maybe he was prompting him to give an answer. Or maybe it was just Castiel's imagination.

_Please save this for me,_

Then he exhaled slowly. "No, I don't think that I am."

_I'll come back for you, love, I promise to._

"Oh..." Dean said lamely. "I uh..."

_Please save this for me, for until I return,_

"I'm gonna go..." Laylah said softly in the passenger seat picking up her things and heading out. It barely even registered in Castiel's mind. She smiled and left the CD in the car. "Keep the CD. I think it will help you more then it will help me."

"Yeah..." Cas tried, giving Laylah a wave of acknowledgment. She flashed one last smile and got out of the car, heading off in a different direction. Castiel sighed softly trying to think of something to say. What could he say?

_my love will burn and my heart will stay._

"Well- um... I guess... I'll see you... around... sometime..."

_My heart will stay._

"Yes." Cas answered, the phone clicking off. He sighed and leaned back in his front seat- when he glanced over to the passenger seat Layla was gone. Castiel was now alone. He sighed and cranked the keys, hearing the engine roar and causing the CD player to give a quick skip before it resumed playing it's track.

_I lie awake and memorize your face  
as you sleep next to me._

He took a beat, wondering if he had made the right choice. He silently attempted to convince himself that he was right. Dean was the sun, he needed to be surrounded by clouds and beautiful blue skies. Castiel just wasn't that person. He needed to be somewhere he was free to spread his radiance. A place where he knew that his beams would be effecting others, where he would be great. Although, he was already great- Cas wasn't doing him any good by sticking around. He was just eclipsing him and causing him to black out.

Causing him grief and pain that Dean didn't need. He already had far too much of that.

_The falling moon is calling me as I leave.  
Sunrise slowly, the road looms lonely  
but I will not fail... _

No, instead, Castiel was the dead of midnight and until he could change that he was best keeping his distance from everyone. He should continue to be the person that no one noticed. The person that time that everyone slept through. That was how he could help, by giving people the time they needed to rest. Lucifer was right- the place that he belonged, was alone. Coming back and trying to make amends was a mistake. Once he got his real car back from Dean he should just disappear again.

Invisible.

Everything would be right then. He glanced over his shoulder, backing out and heading down the long stretch of country road. It was better this way, it would always be better this way.

_Please save this for me  
I'll come back for you, love, I promise to  
Please save this for me, for until I return  
my love will burn and my heart will stay.  
My heart will stay..._

_My heart will stay._

* * *

_Dean look at what you did. You made a big freaking mess. I hope you're happy._

_Originally, this chapter was going to be from Dean's perspective. I went through about three different scenarios with Dean until I decided to write from Castiel's point of view. First of all, because we haven't had a chapter from his point of view yet. Second, because I think it's important for my audience to understand what's going on in Castiel's head. So that they can fully appreciate the gravity of what's happening. Yeah, remember that depression that Cas had in 'Worker Bee'? I don't think it got any better.  
_

_I promised myself I wouldn't be so involved with music this time... I lied.  
_

_Also, I love my sun and moon metaphor- I hope you like it too.  
_

_Lemme know what you think!  
_

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_

_**EDIT: Because I forgot to put the song title in here... The song is called 'Please' by Ludo  
**_


	5. Silver Lining

Chapter 5: Silver Lining

Castiel threw open the front door with apprehension, only to find an empty room. Lucifer must be out somewhere- he breathed a sigh of relief thinking that he was in the clear. He closed the door behind him quietly, now not wanting to alert his brother. He passed by the living room into the kitchen where he grabbed and apple off the counter.

It was strange, Cas was certain that Lucifer would be here. He took a bite out of his apple as he pondered where his brother was residing. The TV was on, which should have been some indication that Lucifer was still in the house. He had the channel on MTV or some other place that was playing music videos- which was also strange.

Coincidence?

Castiel wasn't sure, he let his eyes fix on the woman on the screen. Her voice was beautiful. The lyrics echoing in his head, over and over. Then he turned away, deciding to focus on the apple he was eating. He didn't flipped the TV off with the remote that was on the counter but it didn't stop the words playing in his head.

There was something about music that reached a person's very soul. Something about the way the melodies rise and fall, the way the lyrics speak to someone deep inside. It was all a very comforting feeling especially for someone who was desperate. Someone who no longer had any reason to wake up in the morning. Someone who had no home and no real family- someone who was on an island.

Someone like Cas.

Then as if on cue he heard his voice, "Hello, brother."

The sound made him jump- which he instantly regretted because it made him look guilty. Lucifer didn't exactly know _where _Castiel had been. Though Cas guessed that once Lucifer learned where Castiel had been and what he had learned he'd be pleased. Especially since Cas had realized that he was right. Lucifer was always right- but Castiel hated to admit it. So now if he did admit it, Lucifer would be thrilled.

The idea of Lucifer being thrilled about anything was terrible. Castiel didn't- no he couldn't afford to be hurt by Lucifer right now. He needed that space, that distinction. Cas barely had any ground left to stand on.

"You scared me." Castiel said snapping back into a bored tone. He looked over to see that his brother was standing behind the door. The devil had been standing right there when Castiel came in. Hiding in his very shadow, just the idea of that was chilling. Lucifer smiled (his signature) and took a lazy stroll into the kitchen, stopping on the other side of the counter.

"I apologize." Lucifer chided. Cas turned to face him, rolling his eyes.

"No you aren't." Cas answered. He hated when Lucifer jostled him around and that's exactly what he was doing at the current second. Castiel could tell that Lucifer's words were filled to the brim with a hidden malice.

Double meanings. Masks. Secret pitfalls.

"Your wrong, I am apologizing. Just not because I scared you." Lucifer smiled. Castiel put his apple down on the counter, he wanted to flee to his room but he didn't. If three years of living with his brother had taught him anything it was that he shouldn't run. Still he could feel himself retreating into his shell a little. He decided not to ask why Lucifer was sorry, hoping that would delay whatever evil thing he was about to do.

The minute that Lucifer walked in the room, he had this way of making Castiel so nervous. So absolutely distressed, internally that he would do anything that he could to delay the inevitable. Which was actually quite funny since the longer he made things the more distressed Cas would become. Still there was so much dread over Lucifer's next action that Cas would rather just delay it until Lucifer decided not to do it.

Lucifer's hand grazed over the counter as he made his way around the counter to Castiel's side. His hand drifted over the apple- he lifted it, biting from the opposite side that Castiel was eating. He drew in a breath, smelling the apple- then he threw it into the garbage can creating a loud thump that made Cas jump again. "Huh, over ripe. You know what they say about one rotten apple."

Castiel backed up against the wall, hoping his brother wouldn't come any closer. Lucifer sighed a little, "You aren't even gonna ask me what I'm apologizing for are you? That's such a shame."

Then he slammed his fist on the wall only slightly above where Castiel's head was. Cas coiled up a little more- he shouldn't feel guilty for realizing that Lucifer was right. Yet he was starting to realize that Lucifer wouldn't be happy. He just hoped that the mistake he made wouldn't be fatal for someone else.

"Did you get your car fixed Castiel?" Lucifer asked with a small venomous smirk turning up and the corner of his lips.

"It's in the shop." Cas replied.

Lucifer laughed a little, "What shop did you take it to? Wouldn't happen to be the one John Winchester used to own would it?"

Cas didn't feel like being played with right now. He took a step forward, staring down his brother. "Shouldn't you know? You always know everything- its clear you have eyes on me to keep me in line. So why are you asking me a question you already know the answer to?"

His brother rolled his eyes. "If you want to do this the hard way then fine." Lucifer shot his arms forward, easily lifting his brother. Castiel flailed but Lucifer had him suspended, he stalked away from the kitchen.

The devil kicked open his door, probably just for effect but the sound made Castiel jump. Then he kicked his door closed- Cas wasn't really sure why he needed the door closed but Lucifer made the effort anyway. Then Lucifer tossed Castiel onto the bed, climbing over top of him and holding his wrists down. This was all looking vaguely familiar but that was because this was usually what Lucifer did when Cas screwed up.

Lucifer's head hovered in front of Castiel's face, blocking all of his vision. He could feel each breath that Lucifer breathed out- that's how close he was. The good news? Lucifer had just ate an apple (even though he claimed it was over ripe) so his breath smelled like apples. Cas had no doubt in his mind that his breath also smelled the same.

"Now tell me Castiel-" Lucifer breathed, leaning down by Castiel's ear. Castiel closed his eyes shuddering at the sheer sound of his brother's low growl. It was an evil that he hated- even though he knew it was his brother's goal to make Cas just like him. Try as he might, Castiel wouldn't ever be able to imitate that growl. "What were you really doing?"

Cas flinched, feeling a punch coming on. Yet Lucifer didn't move, he was holding his ground. Which was significantly worse. Something was wrong. Cas squirmed trying to break free, Lucifer just chuckled. "Come on, answer the question." he teased, exhaling slowly and on purpose. Chills shot down Castiel's back and he felt the tension building in his facial features.

"Why are you doing this...?" Cas asked, ignoring the question.

"Because the _usual_ methods don't seem to be working anymore. I guess I have to mix it up." he answered honestly. That couldn't be a good sign. "You don't know what I'm going to do next, do you Castiel Azrael Milton?"

Cas hated when Lucifer used his full name. The sheer impurity in Lucifer's voice made Castiel want to shed his name for a new one. It made him feel disgusting and dirty as if he were some type of sinner that couldn't be saved. He shoved his head further into the pillow, rolling it the side so he was looking away. Cas could feel his confidence shrinking down into his throat, burying itself somewhere it could never hope to be retrieved.

"Have you lost your voice baby brother?" Lucifer laughed. "That's cute." he suggested, leaning closer. Cas quivered underneath his brothers shadow. He wasn't entirely sure what was happening and he certainly didn't know how to combat it. That's when soft lips ghosted across his neck- sending another set of horrible chills down his spine. There was little to no space left between the two of them and Cas was feeling increasingly more insecure. All escape routes were blocked, all exit strategies rendered obsolete.

Castiel bucked on instinct, groaning as if his brother's lips were a corrosive acid. He kicked his legs, trying to break free. "Let go of me!" he protested. "I said let go!"

Lucifer chuckled softly. "You saw the Winchester punk, didn't you?" it was strange how his brother was completely calm about everything. There wasn't even a hint of hostility in his tone when he asked his question. He was cool, calm, and collected.

"_No!_" Castiel lied, continuing to fight against his brother's influence. Yet he knew that he was cornered- no one could ever stop Lucifer. Still the fighter in Castiel refused to yield- his secret stubborn attitude taking control. It was fight or flight and Cas was incapable of the later.

"I don't lie to you Castiel." Lucifer whispered, lips kissing his neck instead of grazing this time. "You could at least pay me the same respect. I don't appreciate it. You know, words hurt. I know that you saw Dean Winchester, or else you wouldn't be fighting me this hard. You haven't fought me this way in a long time. You know how I know you're fighting me more then normal? Because usually you'd be enjoying this by now."

"I didn't." Castiel repeated, pretending that what he said was true.

"Pity." Lucifer muttered. He allowed his tongue to slip lightly up Castiel's neck. Castiel murmured in protest but found he had nothing to say. This had been something that Lucifer had been doing more frequently. Every time Castiel felt disgusting- like the very essence of his soul was being corrupted.

If you drop black ink onto a piece of snow white paper, it doesn't matter how pure the paper is. The ink will always seep into the paper and slowly turn it black. The ink won't rest until it is satisfied and it won't be satisfied until the purity is completely gone. Until there is no more white.

Castiel fought desperately for freedom, as if he was fighting for air instead. He was drowning in the heavy black and he wanted only to be able to claw his way to freedom. Yet, the water had already entered his lungs. He wouldn't be able to escape death's clutches this time. He kicked and thrust his chest upwards crashing into his brother. Lucifer only had to push a little before Castiel found himself overpowered. He just wasn't strong enough to fight the odds.

"Why go see Dean anyway? What's so special about him? I don't see him as anything note worthy- he's just a lost little kid. He has no future, no direction, he's just running around like a dog. Falling at his brother's feet to make sure that he succeeds where he can't. Because he's just too afraid to fail. He's just a miserable-"

"Shut up." Castiel hissed.

"Pathetic-"

"I said shut up."

"Worthless-"

"Shut. Up."

"Waste of-"

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about!"

Lucifer laughed, nibbling at his brother's earlobe. "Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Because- I-" Castiel stopped realizing he shouldn't.

"You?" Lucifer questioned. "It's because your in _love_. Isn't it? Seriously Castiel, how can you be in love with that waste of space? He's nothing. He'll never be anything. He'll always be to afraid to take that chance."

"You don't know him..." Castiel argued. Suddenly, his captor bit down into Castiel's exposed flesh. A hot, piercing pain penetrated the surface and Cas let out a yelp. He felt a warm liquid trickle down his back- Lucifer had bit him so hard that he bled.

"Tell me Castiel how did your visit go? Did he _reject _you yet? Did he push you away for the evil person that you've become? You know it's a matter of time." Lucifer spat angrily. "You are mine. You don't go visit your past unless I say so. Do you understand that?"

Salty tears crept in Castiel's eyes, feeling the blood pumping through him. "I... didn't..." Castiel inhaled sharply as he felt teeth sink in to his skin again. He whimpered a little, feeling tiny and pathetic.

Lucifer sighed, "You know that I love you Castiel. I don't want to hurt you so just tell me what I want to know. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"You're... lying..." Castiel answered. "If you didn't want to hurt me... You wouldn't. You don't love me, you never have."

"Castiel. Look at me." Lucifer replied firmly. Castiel refused to look at his brother, fear in every sense that he had. He couldn't bring himself to look at those eyes. Those cold and heartless blue eyes.

"I said look. Now." he demanded. Cas turned his head slowly, a blunt pain screaming as his neck moved. Yet Castiel didn't have the courage to open his eyes. He was too afraid, too paralyzed with fear.

"Open your eyes." Lucifer instructed. Castiel reluctantly opened his right eye, then slowly his left followed. Lucifer's facial expression was tough to read. His features were hard, his brow furrowed, and tension in his shoulders. There was no hint of a smile, yet he wasn't frowning either. His eyes were cold, as always. They were almost soul piercing but not in the way that Castiel's eyes were.

A long silence ensued as the brothers had a staring contest. Castiel was having trouble keeping his eyes open though- the blood loss was making him dizzy. Lucifer's stony silence was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. It was as if the ax murder had stopped chopping off someone's arm, just to ponder their place in the universe. The shadow on the wall had frozen just to wait. The moment in the movie in which the protagonist is walking and the villain following behind. Everyone knows chaos and misery are about to ensue and their holding their breath for the inevitable blood bath. They must have sat and stared at one another for at least five minutes before suddenly Lucifer let go of Castiel's wrists.

He rose to his feet, backing off completely without even saying one word. He left Castiel alone in Lucifer's room- shutting the door as he exited. Castiel tried sitting up slowly, however that gave him a massive head rush and he had to lay back down. Then next time, he rolled to his side and climbed off the bed.

Cas stalked over to the door, jiggling the handle only to realize he was locked in. He glanced around the room, grabbing some Kleenexes and holding them over his open wounds. He let a soft whimper escape his lips, then he sat back down on the bed.

He waited until he had stopped the bleeding and then he rose and went back to the door. He touched the handle with hesitation- twisting it. Still locked. He drew in a shaky breath, "Lucifer. Open the door..."

"I will not." Lucifer replied softly. However it didn't last, his usual torment and vigor returned to his voice. "See, I'm in a bit of a quandary here. I'm really kind of debuting how to deal with you. What will teach you where your place in my company is."

"I'm bleeding Lucif-" Cas tried.

"When you were little I always just used physical force and of course threats- threats always worked fantastically."

Castiel slid down against the door, trapped in his own brothers bed room.

"See but as you got older it seems the threats and the physical force didn't work as well. So then, instead I switched to mental torture. Tormenting you about how Dean doesn't give a shit about you. But you seem to be growing out of it... Damn shame. So that leaves me very few options to use. I mean, I've rapped you twice. Could always go for a third... I dunno. I've got to find some new tricks and I need a few minutes to think about it."

He sighed, he really didn't want his brother to get creative but he couldn't stop it.

The door open slowly, Castiel rose to his feet coming face to face with his brother. "Alright so here's the deal Castiel. Because I am so kind and I am such a nice big brother- I will make this offer that you _can't _refuse."

"And if I do?" Cas asked.

"You won't. Because here's the deal. You, stay away from Dean Winchester-"

"If I don't?" Cas interrupted.

Lucifer smiled and backed his brother up against the door frame. "If you don't, I will make him wish he was never born. I will make him plead for his life- I will show up at his house. First, I will seduce him- or rather... well... you get it. You know, you've experienced it first hand. You know what I can do. You know first hand just how miserable sex can make someone. Then when I'm done I will make sure he lives long enough to know the true taste of his intestines. And I'll make you watch- and if I'm feeling creative, then I will rip out his insides and I will make you indulge yourself. And by that I mean, you'll be consuming them- eating them."

Castiel looked away, Lucifer loomed closer. "Because that's just the type of clever that I am. Oh, and I wouldn't try me. Though I'm sure you know that. Now Cassie, look at me."

Castiel looked up only because he knew that looking away wouldn't get him anywhere. Lucifer's eyes were glassed over, with a condescending gaze. He smiled, drawing his fingers across Castiel's jawline. Then cupping Castiel's chin, he said, "Good boy." Cas frowned, big blue eyes staring up at his brother. "Aw, don't give me that look. Come on Cassie. You're so much cuter when you smile."

"You threaten one of the only people I care about. You tell me you want to rape and murder him- then you ask me to smile?"

Lucifer laughed, leaning in closer, his lips ghosting by his preys lips. "I'll only do that stuff if you don't listen. Because you're mine Castiel. You aren't anyone else's- just mine. You will always be mine. I've got you now and I'm never going to let go. I'm never going to stop."

"So yeah, I expect you to smile. Just one smile, just for me- then you can go back to your usual scowl. I just haven't seen you smile in so long, I love you so I want you... to smile."

Castiel sighed, trying to turn up the corners of his lips. After a few seconds he managed to smile- just a little. Fighting back a growing urge to puke, forcing himself to smile like that was disgusting. Then there was also all the anxiety that was also making him feel sick. "That's all I've got." Cas answered. Lucifer smiled a strangely genuine smile. He pulled his brother up kissing his lips.

Cas didn't enjoy when Lucifer kissed him. In fact he didn't enjoy being in the same room with Lucifer. But he couldn't push him away without the fear of someone he cared about being hurt. He was uncomfortable- which was really an understatement. However, like in most situations he didn't have much of a choice. So Castiel choked back his gag reflex and waited out the kiss- like normal.

Even though being kissed by his brother felt like he was being violated all over again. Not that he hadn't been there, done that. Still this was the type of taunting that made him feel like it was all going to happen over again. Castiel hadn't told anyone about it, he hadn't even talked about it. Yet the memories were always lingering at the dusty corners of his mind. Just waiting to come to light.

Lucifer pulled back but didn't let go of his brother's chin. He frowned slightly, "You never seem to enjoy that."

"Were related. That's incest and I don't particularly enjoy that thought." Castiel answered.

"Yes. By social standards that is wrong, but Castiel, I am the only person who will never leave you. I am the only person that you will _always _have." Lucifer smiled, leaning down so that their foreheads were together. "I promise you, that I will always_, always _be there for you. So tell me, what's so wrong with that?"

_Everything._

Lucifer stepped away and headed for the front door. Leaving Castiel alone, once he was gone Cas fell to his knees. He started shaking violently, looking absolutely distressed. One thing that he had learned in the past three years was how to hold off a panic attack. He wasn't able to keep himself from having them but he could hold them off until he was alone.

Now that he was alone, he could let those feelings come back. And they did, full force.

He clutched his shoulder's and began shaking violently. Castiel did the best that he could to get away from Lucifer's room. Sadly, he didn't have the strength to get up and walk- so he crawled into his own bedroom and laid still on the floor. He couldn't take this emotional trauma- it was too much for him.

_I can't do this..._

His breath hitched, he gasped- like a fish out of water. Castiel felt like he wasn't able to breath, it was as if someone was holding his throat closed. He tried to take deep even breaths but it just came out as shallow gasps. If he kept breathing like this he was going to pass out.

He couldn't keep going on like this, he couldn't keep being this miserable person. Castiel needed a home, he needed comfort. He needed something that he could wake up for- something that made the pain worthwhile. Everyone had a purpose somewhere, it was just a matter of finding it. But how do you find the silver lining in a situation like this one? How do you find hope in despair?

Salty tears clung to his face, his eyes burned, his head ached, everything was too much to hold onto. He tried to force another deep breath but instead he just held his breath. A soft dizziness caused his head to spin. The room was spinning in circles. He shut his eyes tightly trying to stop every feeling that was washing over him.

But when he closed his eyes he didn't find blackness, he found Dean smiling.

A person who should be the last thing on Castiel's mind.

_"Sapphires." _

_"Your eyes. That's what they remind me of. Light blue sapphires." _

The thought of the past made his breath slow, listening to Dean's voice in his brain. It was as if nothing else mattered in the moment. All he had to do was sit still and listen to his friend. Castiel felt himself coming back down. As he followed his imagination through a labyrinth of memories.

_"You're precious Cas." _

_"Alright. Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me to be my friend." _

_"Here's something simple." _

_"Just shut up and enjoy the friggan hug." _

Castiel rolled onto his back, letting gentle tears run down his face. These tears were different from the previous ones- these didn't sting as they fell. They weren't like the harsh winter air, instead the fresh breath of spring.

_"Fine, you son of a bitch, what's your favorite color?" _

_"If you want me to kiss you just friggan' ask. I'm getting really tired of the awkward silences." _

_"What can I say, I'm a rule breaker." _

Where were the really getting?

He wondered silently. All they were doing was driving around in circles- both of them to scared to do anything. Dean feared for his reputation, for his identity, and for his brother. Castiel feared himself, for his identity, and he feared his brother. Yet when he thought about it, maybe they were a part of each other's identity.

It was more calming then thinking about his brother's threats. There were too many feelings for Castiel to hold onto and he didn't know how to express those feelings. His grief, frustration, sadness, anxiety, fears, he didn't know how to express any of them. He was overwhelmed and overloaded- he was grasping for some kind of foundation. His brother had gave him so much to fear that he was crumpling fast. Every wall coming down, every bridge being burned away. He needed something simple. Something he could understand.

Something, or rather someone like Dean Winchester.

_"You're probably dehydrated if you've been crying. Especially if you haven't drank anything today." _

Castiel rolled over, standing up on shaky legs. He walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with water as if Dean was ordering him to. Then he slid down the wall and sat drinking the water. Closing his eyes and listening to the silence- then turning it into the past.

_"You just about wore yourself out didn't you?" _

_"It's an expression Cas. Jeez how do you even function as a member of society?" _

_"You have no idea what that means do you?" _

_"Swinging wasn't in your childhood?" _

_"I'm serious man!"_

He'd rather dwell in memories then be in the moment. Castiel paused to drink some more, feeling the water soothe his scratchy throat. As if he was standing under a waterfall, letting the water wash over him. Letting all of his troubles float away, letting everything that was impure just disappear momentarily.

_"You've always wanted to know what its like to fly, right?" _

_"Part of flying is falling. In fact, flying itself is just falling with style." _

Even though Dean wasn't a symbolic person, Castiel wondered if he had meant to be symbolic in that moment. Maybe he meant that love was flying. That sometimes loving someone meant that you had to give up things. You had to make mistakes, sometimes you even had to be distanced from that person. You had to fall.

Yet that didn't mean that you loved them any less, if falling is a part of flying. You can love someone and never see them- it should have been an obvious answer since people love the dead every day. The dead are distanced from us but we still love them when they're gone. We still love them as we fall.

Sometimes we fall with grace and others were are unable to so we fall flat on our faces. Castiel felt a small smile twitch at the corner of his lips and he continued to cry.

_"Then it was worth it." _

_"Will you- be there to help me?" _

_"Cas." _

_"I don't hate you Cas." _

Dean Winchester was the one place he felt like he was safe at home. He was the one person who made Castiel feel like he could be someone else, someone worth being. Even thought Dean was angry it didn't mean that he loved him any less. It just meant that Dean was having trouble, Dean was falling.

But that was okay.

One day he'd be capable of flying again and then the two of them could exist harmoniously. The sun and the moon may never share the same sky but one cannot exist without the other. Even when they are apart they are always chasing one another.

They are always still thinking about one another.

_"What was that for?" _

_"You're an idiot." _

_"You're my friend Cas." _

No one could ever take that away. No matter what threats Lucifer made, no matter what he said or did- he couldn't take those memories away. He couldn't force Castiel to stop pursuing his sun. His day light, his warmth- another part of his identity.

A part of his memory.

No one could ever take that away no matter what they did. Castiel would always have those feelings and memories. And there lies the silver lining. No matter what distance was between two people they would always have the memories. Because memories are sacred.

_"My own guardian angel." _

Memories cannot be taken, only given. Castiel's home could not be uprooted if he found his home within his memories. Within himself. If he found the warmth that he thought he lacked.

It was still there.

_"Just shut up and kiss me goodbye." _

Even if he had to pretend that it wasn't.

Erase Contact?

Yes.

* * *

_What was that sound?_

_Oh, that was the sound of my entire following rage quitting. Right._

_All I can say is... did you see that coming? I sure didn't._

_God I promised myself I wouldn't go there. I promised. But, I lied. I just love writing Lucifer so much he's just so fantastically psycho. I feel guilty for all that I do to Cas but... plot. Yup._

_So I apologize to anyone out there who is either pissed at me or who is just like 'no Cas my precious baby'._

_Please let me know what you think._

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	6. Tearing at the Seams

Chapter 6: Tearing at the Seams

It had taken Dean two and a half weeks to get better. It was probably due to the fact that he hadn't been sick in a long time. It was also probably due to the fact that he refused to go to a doctor. The first week of his illness was spent getting progressively worse.

After the first week, Sam and Bobby both insisted that he go see a doctor. Dean refused repeatedly but Sam went and scheduled Dean for an appointment anyway. Then, after much haggling Dean finally gave in and went.

Dean was diagnosed with a mild case of pneumonia, which was probably triggered from the fact that he rarely got the amount of rest that he needed. It also probably had to due with the fact originally he had a minor case of the flu. Both reasons combine probably contributed to the illness. The doctor prescribed some medication- which involved an inhaler- and sent Dean on his way.

The medicine tasted awful, but none of it was as bad as the inhaler. Carrying around an inhaler made Dean feel weak. It wounded his pride in someways- though he didn't say anything about it really. Sam would have told him to suck it up and he didn't need anyone telling him that he was being a baby.

The doctor also strongly suggested that Dean stop working three jobs, especially if he didn't need too. He explained that it could be very threatening to Dean's health and he should consider taking a step back from everything. In the end, Dean had the doctor write a note and he decided to quit his job at the diner. No one really cared except Emily, who promptly got his phone number so they could hang out sometime.

Still Dean hated every moment of it. Sam would force him to stay home every day and every day Dean would protest.

The only good thing that came out of Dean being ill was it gave him time to talk to Anna. He texted her a few times and they had multiple conversations about various things. Music, childhood, TV, whatever really came to mind at the time.

Dean found out that Anna was into indie music. She was, in a way, a little bit of a hipster. Most of the things that she liked Dean had never even heard of. Still she liked Disney movies, she watched them especially on rainy days.

He also learned that she was a very caring person, like her brother. She was passionate about music, friendships, and romance- to a fault. Often times she could become heart broken at strange little things, like balloons floating away or a kid crying because he dropped his ice cream cone. Over all, Dean chalked her up as one of the nicest people he had ever met. He hoped that when he was feeling better they'd actually be able to get together to talk.

His relationship with Anna only improved every time that he spoke to her.

Sadly though, the same could not be said about Sam and Dean.

Things between them were rocky, it took Dean being home for an extended period of time to realize just how long it had been since they had really spent time together. The two of them were actually kind of rusty when it came to bonding. The were really kind of rusty period.

Dean tried but, Sam wasn't a kid anymore. Sam also wasn't in the same boat as Dean- Sam was hurt by his parents death and by Castiel leaving. He was hurt but it didn't consume his world, Sam was able to move on from the past. He was actually healthy. Naturally that gave the two brothers different opinions on the same subjects. If Sam was glass half full, Dean was glass half empty. There was a rift, some discord that they couldn't seem to shake.

At first it was just little things. Dean would see someone on TV and comment on how stupid they were being. He would bitch about it and Sam would argue that Dean didn't know them. Or how Dean would dance around the subject of their parents or Castiel and Sam would be so forward about it. Both of them called Bobby to complain about one another multiple times.

Every time that they did Bobby would tell them to quit bitching about one another and act like a freaking man. But Dean would avoid any subject that seemed to be sensitive. So when Sam tried to make a point or get a word in, Dean would shrug him off or go and do something else.

His whole illness was spent beating around the bush and avoiding one another. However, after a while this escalated. Then they had a huge blow out when Sam found out what happened to Castiel.

"God Dean, could be any more of a jerk? Cas was trying to help you. He was probably trying to reach out for you. You're all he has! He probably hasn't seen his family so seeing you probably brought back a lot of memories. I can't believe you would do that." Sam whined after hearing the situation. It was amazing how sympathetic the younger Winchester could be. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Look, it's hard to be nice to someone who just shows up with no warning. They treat you like crap after everything that you've been through together." Dean reasoned stubbornly. The elder Winchester had a stubborn streak that could beat the devil himself.

Sam threw his arms to the sides, a typical gesture that he did when he was frustrated. "Seriously Dean? You're gonna blame him after everything he went through for us? That's not fair."

"It's not fair that he would treat us like that either." Dean snapped back.

"This isn't about Castiel's behavior is it? It's about you and your stupid feelings, you'd rather push someone away then let them get close. You're too afraid, to stand up like a man and deal with your crap. Instead you don't talk about it- pretend it doesn't exist and then you think you deal fine. But you snap at everyone! You treat everyone else like they've made a huge mistake, when really its all on you!" Half way through Sam's rant Dean stopped listening and focused on a spot on the wall, feeling an intense rage build in his throat.

"You think so do you? Think you know me so well?" Dean asked, rising to his feet. His brother was pissing him off and he couldn't help but get in Sam's face.

"Yeah. I do know you so well. Cause right now, you're tail spinning and any time anyone gets close enough to help you- you just push them away. First it was because of dad, then it was because of mom, and now it's Castiel. When are you gonna deal with all that crap you keep repressing?" Sam retorted, rising to meet his brother's challenge.

"I'm not repressing anything Sam. I'm fine. Absolutely, completely, and totally fine." Dean answered. Crossing his arms defensively.

Sam let out a frustrated huff. "Castiel is your friend. He's my friend. Shouldn't you have tried to help him? Not just yell at him."

"There's nothing we can do for him. The only thing that he does when he shows up is remind us how useless we are!"

"Were not useless! We can help. If you would just let me-"

"No. I said no and I mean no Sam." Dean yelled with finality. "You're my brother, it's my job to protect you. I'm not gonna let you do anything stupid- you understand me? Sam!"

"Yes. I understand." Sam snapped. "But I can't believe you don't want to help someone who basically gave his life for you. Someone who- despite how much you don't want to admit it- is. In. Love. With. You."

Sam made a point to slam the door on his way out, leaving Dean alone with his thoughts. Dean sighed, walking upstairs and flopping face first into his bed. He didn't bother to turn on the lights in his bed room. He didn't think he needed to, as far as he was concerned he could lay here in the dark for the rest of his life. Dean didn't feel like getting up.

Sam's efforts had made an impact, they left an awful taste in his mouth. Dean already felt so inwardly guilty he barely knew how to get up in the morning anymore. He didn't need Sam affirming all of the terrible things that Dean was thinking. Then again, Sam was right.

Dean was pushing away someone who needed him, someone who only ever wanted to care about him.

He had tried to call Castiel four times these past weeks, which he hadn't told anyone. Dean didn't want to be known as a sap of any kind. Yet every time that he called and every time that he texted, no one answered. It just went to voice mail or no one ever responded. Dean glanced at his phone, he hoped that it would be blinking but there was nothing.

It was a stupid hope, after he had talked to Castiel that morning he figured that Cas was pissed off. Either that or he was extremely upset- either way it meant that he would need space. Dean had just got Castiel back (sort of) and now he was gone again. Someone else had finished Castiel's car at work, which was the first thing he noticed when he got back.

So the elder Winchester was left to assume the worst- Castiel hated him.

He shoved his head back into the pillow and felt like an idiot for hoping. Maybe he should try calling Castiel again? No that wouldn't do any good, if he hadn't answered by now- if he hadn't bothered to call back, he wasn't going to.

When Dean rolled his head over to the side, he noticed Castiel's trench coat laying there. He sat up slowly, looking around the room. No one was there, obviously but Dean needed to be sure. He felt a heavy impulse as well as guilt to do something he would never consider doing if someone was watching.

After all, Dean Winchester was not a bitch.

Dean crossed his room with heavy feet. As he crossed he made several more looks about, just in case someone had showed up in the past ten seconds. He lifted up Castiel's trench coat with a type of delicacy he almost never used. It was as if the coat was made of glass instead of fabric- Dean didn't want to break it.

It took him several minutes of just looking at the coat before he did anything more. He was absorbing the memories from the coat, or rather the memories of his companion wearing the coat. He walked back over to his bed then flopped down, holding the coat tightly to his chest. Dean drew in a long breath, letting the scent of his friend fill his senses- guilt and doubt filling his head.

Dean rarely hated thinking about his feelings, it's why he worked so hard. So this was an interesting change of pace and by interesting he meant awful. Thinking about his feelings (on the rare occasions that he even admitted that he had feelings) was just about as fun as stabbing himself in the knee repeatedly, with a rusty knife.

So Dean took another deep breath, even though Castiel's coat had been in Dean's room for three years it still smelled like Cas. Dean made sure that it stayed just the way that it was. Castiel had wanted it to stay pure and it had remained just that. Untainted, like Dean's memory. He let out a sigh, trying his best to relax. It was a lot easier since his medication made him semi sleepy. A dark haze cast over his entire body beckoning him down into a comatosed sleep.

_That sea went on forever, into the blue distance. _  
_That road went on forever, continuing straight ahead._

"_Hello Dean." a voice said softly. I jumped sitting up in my bed looking utterly confused and surprised. Why does Castiel always have to sneak up on me?_

"_What the hell Cas? Seriously?" I griped in a whiny voice. "I thought you didn't get any of my calls."_

"_No I got them." Castiel responded, sitting on the end of the bed. "I just... I thought this would be easier if I just came in person..."_

"_Why?" _

_The person who sincerely laughs first wins.  
The person I love most is laughing._

_Castiel smiled a little, his features turning up slightly. It has been so long since I've seen him smile like that. It's been so long since I've smiled- period. I can't help but give a small smile too. He leans his arms on his knees, hunching over and leaning forward. "I just wanted to visit you in person..." Cas offered not having much else to say._

_I laughed a little bit, "Come on, it's been like a month and a half since I last called you. I mean it's basically Christmas now."_

_Castiel stands up, "Fifty days, two hours, and thirty three minutes. If were being technical." He flashes me a quick smile and I blink. Cas nods his head towards the door and I stand up. "Get your coat. Let's go sit on the roof, there's a meteor shower tonight."_

_Even if I were farther away than anyone else, would you still smile for me from here?  
When I close my eyes, suddenly I can smell the scent of a summer day._

_I roll my eyes, Castiel would know that there's a meteor shower tonight. He would be the person to suggest we go sit on the roof and watch the stars. I laugh a little bit, mostly because I just think it's funny how predictable he can be sometimes. "Alright." I say, grabbing my coat and pulling some gloves out of my pocket. _

_We climb out my window, on to my fire escape. I go first since I know how to get up and it's just a little bit slippery. I hoist myself up carefully onto the roof. Castiel waits below me on the fire escape, I reach down and grab his hand to help pull him up. He nearly slips on some ice when he gets up next to me, I grab a hold of his shoulders, "Whoa, watch your step there." _

_Playing in that river, just the two of us, we were covered in mud  
I'm chasing that cloud... if I reach it, I'll be happy._

_He's wobbly at first, he's having a hard time getting his footing. Even with me holding onto his shoulders, he really isn't the most graceful person in the world. I laugh a little, okay, I laugh a lot. "Come on, hold on to me." I answer pulling him closer. I have to admit, my intentions aren't that pure- though I'd never say it out loud._

_Castiel wraps his arms around my neck hesitantly- I don't think he's really used to hugging people. He breathes on my neck a little, following me as I guide him across the roof. We find a place, that isn't covered in snow and we sit down. Though Cas seems reluctant to let go of me- I'd like to think it's cause I'm such a charmer. The truth is, I just think that Castiel is afraid to fall. _

_The one who runs up this hill fastest wins._  
_Aiming for that place we like best._

_Once were both seated, I look up. There are little pink and white meteors streaming across the sky, I have to admit- its kind of pretty. I glance over, Castiel is completely fixed on the stars and sky above. Though, I'd imagine he would be- he's always so happy to see the little things in life. He's very observant, I guess. _

_I smile watching his features turn up in an elated smile. It's strange to see him so thrilled at something so small. I bet he would get thrilled watching an ant hill all day. His eyes are so strange, they always have that distant sadness but when he's happy- at least this happy- it's like that sadness disappears. _

_I have so many memories that I almost don't need anything else.  
When I close my eyes, soon I can smell the scent of that sea._

_I have to admit that when he smiles, I can't help but smile too. I must admit, I'm not really that interested in the shower. Though it's pretty, balls of lights with streamers tailing them as they shoot through a big black empty. I'm more interested in watch Castiel..._

_He doesn't seem to notice, or if he does notice he doesn't care. I'm not really sure which one- I mean Castiel isn't the most observant person ever. I shiver a little- it is December and the air is freezing, literally. Cas notices my shudder and he reaches down, taking the end of his scarf and handing it to me. I roll my eyes._

_Summer comes again, shining silver.  
Our shadows reflected on the surface of the water._

"_Come on, seriously? Were gonna share a scarf? How girly can you get Cas?" Castiel scoots closer to me. He frowns and puts the scarf around my neck anyway. It feels really nice, I have no clue what kind of material its made of but like I said, it feels nice. "Oh come on, don't frown like that."_

"_How should I frown?" he asks looking confused. I smile, it's such typical Castiel behavior. I loop my arm around his shoulder and hold him. He smiles just a little and leans his head over on my shoulder. "Are you happy?" he asks._

_I want to tell him yes, but the man in me resists. So I only huff in response. He smiles, "What are you so smug about Cas?"_

"_I'm not smug." he answers, "Being smug would imply pride and I'm not proud about it. I'm just happy, there's a difference."_

_I sigh, he can never take a joke can he? "Will it always be like this?" I ask. He chuckles under his breath. I glance down and watch him smile. "What?" I ask._

"_I don't want to make you uncomfortable." he answers. _

"_Well that's vague and uninformative." I reply, poking him in the side gently. He laughs, although its more of a giggle (even though its hard to imagine Cas giggling). He rolls his head off my shoulder, squirming away as I poke/tickle him._

"_I uh... you saying that... it implies that you want me to be a part of your future."_

_Even if I were farther away than anyone else, would you still smile for me from here?  
When I close my eyes, suddenly I can see that day's blue sky. _

_He's right. I never really thought of it that way, but he's right. I shrug my shoulders and he smiles a little. He slides down a little bit trying to get comfortable. _

_But then his foot slips. _

"_Holy shit-!" I slide down a little and reach for his hand. However he keeps sliding even though I'm holding on to his right hand tight. We both slide all the way to the end of the roof- me holding onto Cas and him dangling from the roof. I reach my free hand down attempting to grab Castiel's other hand but its no good. "Cas, hang on!"_

_Then something disturbing happens..._

_The ground below him disappears, in fact everything disappears. All the snow and ice, the stars, the sky, even the roof- but he's still dangling there. For some reason I know that whatever is below him can't possibly be good. _

"_Come on Cas, grab my hand." I yell, stretching myself to try and reach him. He reaches up for me and I feel his fingertips graze mine but we don't manage to stay that way for long. Cas gazes down into the empty blackness. "Don't look down!" I command._

_When he looks back up his face is cracked. Half is just the way it was- panicked blue eyes and clenched teeth that are struggling to hold on. However, the other half is different now- there's a dead stare, with a slightly upturned mouth. _

_Then I notice something even stranger, his clothes, his entire body is cracked in half. The side I'm holding onto looks like the Castiel I knew in high school. The side that's struggling to hold on to my arm. He has on his trench coat, blue jeans, and a white T shirt. Then the other side is wearing all black and red. The arm I'm not holding onto suddenly stops reaching for me and I'm left with only one arm to hold onto._

"_Cas give me your other arm!" I demand in hopes that he'll listen. One side looks panicked and tries to get the other side to listen. Still his arm doesn't move._

"_I can't." he replies, his voice having two layers that speak simultaneously. One voice is his normal voice- which sounds soft and absolutely crushed. The other voice is much lower a growl that almost sounds like a hostile laugh. _

"_Yes you can." I encourage. He tries again, squinting his one eye shut in pain. I feel his hand slide in my grip, so I end up using both hands to support one side. However, when I grip his one side tighter the rest of him becomes significantly heavier. I groan, trying to pull him up and he cries out in anguish._

_Eventually I give up on trying to pull him up- at least for now. Then a hand shoots out of the dark, grabbing the leg that's in all black. Castiel let's out a pained scream and I try to soothe him. He whimpers, "You have to let go of me Dean."_

"_No. I am not letting go." I retaliate. Then I notice something strange, he's starting to tear in half, I hold onto him tighter. I feel tears prick in the corners of my eyes. "I can't let go- not again. I can't lose you... Please... Not again."_

_He tries to smile even though I'm sure the pain he's feeling is unimaginable. "Dean if you hold on any tighter you'll tear me half." he stops to groan a little, I can see him literally tearing apart at the seams._

_I'm killing him._

_I'm causing him so much pain by refusing to let go of the little piece of him I still have a hold on. If I hold on any tighter, or any longer he'll literally tear apart. There will be nothing left. But for some selfish reason I can't let go of him._

_It's like my arm is paralyzed. _

_Then he gives me a smile. "How can you be smiling right now?!" I shout, tears now spilling from my tired eyes._

"_You can let go Dean. It'll be okay." he decides. _

"_You can't possibly know that!" I say slamming my eyes shut for a moment. Tear spill out faster and I feel like a bitch for crying. But I just can't lose anyone else. I'm tired and I don't have the strength to fight back. I don't have the energy to go on like this- so I keep clutching Castiel's hand watching as my tears fall to the darkness below. _

"_I promise you." he insists. I stare as for a moment, both of his eyes return a confident stare. "I'll be okay."_

_I don't know what posses me to trust the bastard, but my grip gradually starts to listen. If I don't let go of the past soon then Cas won't be able to function anymore. Yet I don't know if I can let go just yet. In a way, I can feel myself splitting apart. I don't want to lose him, but if I don't let go he'll be killed. He gives me another confident smiles and I watch as his fingertips slide from mine._

"_No." I reach forward trying to grab the ghost of Castiel's hand but he's already far to far away. I'm only left to watch as he slips into the darkness, knowing that I couldn't help him._

_I couldn't save him..._

A loud buzzing ripped Dean from his sleep. He glanced up to see that his phone had buzzed- his stomach twisted. He secretly hoped that it was Cas, but he knew it wouldn't be. He flipped the phone open to see that he had one new message.

It was from Anna.

'Hey, wanna meet up and have drinks?'

Dean stopped to ponder it for a moment. Then he realized it was stupid to ponder it.

Hot girl who was fun to be around + Drinks + No Sam being an ass hat = Hell Yes.

'Sure. Where?'

'The Road House.'

Dean laughed, Jo's mom Ellen had recently opened the place. It was always her dream to open a bar but she never had the money. She had finally managed to save enough to open a small bar which she named 'The Road House'. It wasn't really a bar per say, it was more of a bar/coffee shop. Lots of high school kids hung out there and it was just an all around good place to be.

'Alright. When?'

'Mm. Five minutes ago.'

Dean smiled, though he felt a little guilt tugging at his chest. He sighed and realized that he had curled up with Castiel's coat. Maybe that's why he had dreamed about Cas. He stood up and put the coat back on in its rightful place, then he stalked over to the mirror to give himself a quick once over before he left.

For a moment, just a brief moment, he could swear he saw a crack straight down his center.

Then he blinked and it was gone.

* * *

_Bit of a transition chapter so I'm sorry about that. Though it still isn't much of a break from the drama- even their dreams are effected. To be fair, whenever I have anything on my mind my dreams get royally screwed up. Man, I missed dream sequences..._

_This chapter's dream sequence was heavily inspired by a few different songs, 'Heaven Forbid' by the Fray, 'Cosmic Love' by Florence and the Machine and last but not least, 'Blue Skies' or 'Aozora' from the Air soundtrack. I swear one of these days I'll stop being so damn attached to music. One of these days, but not today._

_The song 'Aozora' actually being where the lyrics are from.  
_

_**EDIT: I am so sorry to anyone who read this when it first came out. The formatting got screwed up for some reason I was mad.**  
_

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	7. Behind Closed Doors

Chapter 7: Behind Closed Doors

Anna reclined in her chair, trying to think of a conversation topic. Dean had picked the last topic that they had talked about so it was her turn. The elder Winchester was content to wait until she could come up with an idea. She palmed her features, trying to think of something to talk about. "I don't know! I don't know what you want me to say."

"Any thing. Whatever pops into that pretty little head of yours." Dean responded, taking a drink of his beer.

"You really think I'm pretty?" she asked looking down at her strawberry milkshake. Her cheeks flushing a shade of crimson.

Dean cracked his signature pick up smile. "You know that's not really much of a topic. Everyone with eyes can clearly see that you're beautiful."

Anna laughed, "You're just saying that. Big liar. Hm. Okay, okay, okay, describe your perfect day. Doesn't matter what you want to do, doesn't matter who you're with dead, alive, misplaced. Anyone can be there and you can be doing absolutely anything."

This time it was Dean's turn to recline in his chair, putting both his arms up on the booth. He sighed, trying to think about it. That was a tough question, "That's hard. That's a really tough question. I mean... Jeez. Well I guess... I would wake up around noon. Smell something downstairs, I would get up to check and mom would be there. She'd be making pancakes and bacon. She made the best freaking bacon. Then Sam would come running in the room, start harassing me about the fact that I didn't get up early enough."

"Early enough for what?" Anna asked, leaning forward on the table.

"Well, it would be Christmas morning. Mom never got me up and Christmas- always let me sleep in. Dad would be sitting on the couch, reading the paper like he did every morning. He wouldn't have much to say- in fact he wouldn't even be smiling. That is until mom brought him breakfast, then he'd start grinning from ear to ear. We'd all sit around the family room- some of us eating and some of us not- then we would pass around gifts. We never really got that much for Christmas but that wasn't the point."

"After we got done opening gifts, dad would go outside to do the driveway because of course we would be snowed in. Mom would be cleaning up breakfast because that's what she does. Then Sam, being the little kid that he was would ask me to go outside. After much harassing from my little brother, I would agree and we'd go outside. We'd screw up dad's work by having a snow ball fight across the driveway. Eventually he'd get pissed and jump on my side and start helping me. Then we'd be beating Sam until Bobby showed up and jumped on Sam's side."

"Whose Bobby?" Anna asked.

Dean laughed, realizing that Anna hadn't been around for very long. "He's my uncle... I mean he's not really. But he's always been 'uncle Bobby' to me. Anyways, he'd show up and jump on Sam's side to even things out. Until Ellen and Jo showed up. Ellen would go up to the house, telling us that we were immature idiots. Then Jo would jump on Sam's side because she would just love to get to throw a snowball at my head." Dean smiled, "In fact nothing would bring her more pleasure then to pelt me with a huge ball of snow."

Anna blinked. "But then you and your dad would be outnumbered again!"

"Yeah, until your brother got his ass over there. He would be completely useless- seriously I can't see him understanding the point of a snowball fight-"

"No he really doesn't. Though he has been in quite a few. The first snow when we where little kids, my family and Balthazar's family would get together and all of us would have a snow ball fight. There was Lucifer's team and then there was Micheal's team and we would work against one another. Cas was never good but he always had a lot of fun." Anna reminisced. Dean smiled, he was glad to know that he knew Castiel well enough to make an educated guess and be correct.

"So we'd probably end up tying, mostly so that me and Sam could argue about who won for weeks. It would be, highly entertaining. We'd go inside, Bobby and my dad would watch a game on TV and mom, Jo, Ellen, and Sam. Aka the ladies of the house, would work on making a nice Christmas dinner."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "So you and my brother would be doing...?"

"Ah, not much. Just hanging out for a while. Then after that, we'd all sit down and eat. The food would be fantastic, except whatever Jo cooked- that would be burnt. We'd all make a point to harass her about it- because we love her. It would keep snowing and we'd all end up snowed in. So all of us would just chill at our house, probably playing card games and other stuff. And... I guess... that would be my perfect day." Dean finished, leaning forward. Anna smiled happily, stirring her milk shake with a straw.

"See for most people their perfect day would be going out and doing something crazy. Going to a show, a concert, or something. Yours is just spending it with people you consider family." Anna laughed.

"Well, I guess. Yeah. I'm sorry if that makes you bored." Dean responded.

"No, no. It's just not your run of the mill answer. Though, I can't help but notice I'm not a part of this wonderful day. Which is a shame..."

"Hey, hey. Nothing personal but you gotta earn your spot in my perfect day." Dean said with a laugh. "These things take time."

"Fine." Anna returned, pretending to be hurt. Dean gave a small smirk.

"Don't be like that." Dean whined. Anna laughed, throwing a salt packet at Dean. "Hey!"

"I'll be right back I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Anna smiled, standing up. Dean nodded and watched as she strode for the ladies room. Then he noticed something peculiar, the table next to the bathrooms...

There was that kid that he had seen in the diner quiet a few times. The boy with the dirty blonde hair and the blue eyes. Dean glanced around, then climbed out of his seat sitting in the booth with the kid. He looked up, looking utterly surprised. "Uh- uh... h- hello." he stammered.

"I notice I seem to be seeing you around quite a lot lately. Any reason that may be?" Dean asked, looking the boy in the eye. Dean Winchester believed in many things but coincidence was not one of them. It was easy enough to run into one person repeatedly at one place. Yet, to run into the same person at more then one place? That's when things seemed to get fishy.

The boy recoiled a little as if he had just seen something awful. His cheeks flushing a pale pink- Dean leaned forward a little more. Then the boy sighed, "Just... coincidence-"

"Don't believe in coincidence." Dean said cutting him off.

"The lord works in-"

"You say mysterious ways and so help me god."

"Would you believe that it was an accident?" the boy asked.

"No." Dean returned. "No I wouldn't. Now tell me who are you. You've been following me around, why." Dean didn't ask a question, it was a demand.

"Okay, okay- relax. I'm a friend of Castiel's... I was asked to watch over you..." the boy replied. "Now if you don't mind... you're going to blow my cover. So go."

Dean glanced around, checking to see if Anna was back yet- she wasn't. He stared back at the young boy. "One more question, can you get a message to Castiel?"

"I guess. Probably, yeah." the boy answered. Dean whipped out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it, then handed it over to the boy. Then he rose to his feet and started to walk away before he turned back quickly.

"Do me a favor? Don't read it." Dean finished walking back to his table and sitting down. The boy merely shoved the paper in his pocket without reading it. It's a good thing that Dean sat down when he did because Anna came out shortly there after.

"I'm back." Anna smiled, sitting down on the same side as Dean. "So say... we've been here for like an hour. Why don't we go for a walk or something?"

"In the middle of October?" Dean asked.

"Yup. Well, provided the pneumonia is better. You know, if your feeling up to it. We could go to the park and swing or something..." Anna smiled.

"What is it with you Miltons and swinging?" Dean mumbled. Anna turned quickly and cocked her head to the side looking confused. "Ah... nothing. Come on, let's go."

_"Your ability to pick topics out of thin air is most impressive."_

"Personally I think ninjas would kick pirate's asses any day of the week." Anna decided as she swung higher. "I mean they are trained, killing, professionals. They are meant to kill people- plus pirates are drunk. Its hard to defend yourself from an assassin period. Good luck, trying to defend yourself when you're drunk."

"What?" Dean cried, "No way. One on one maybe, but when they are all grouped together pirates would kick ninja's asses. Ninjas can't work in teams."

"You're crazy Dean Winchester. You are absolutely insane." Anna answered. Dean laughed out loud even though the October air was a little hard on his lungs. He didn't care he was enjoying himself. Anna threw her head back hanging as far back as possible without falling off the swing. Dean watched as Anna's hair flew behind her in the wind. "So Dean, did you used to swing when you were little."

_"I dunno. I just kinda do it. Did you used to swing a lot when you were a kid?"_

"Hell yeah. What about you? Did ye swing when ye were just a wee lass?" Dean asked imitating a pirate's speech.

_"No. Not very often. That's why I enjoy it so much now."_

Anna rolled her eyes, "I'd talk like a ninja, except I don't know how. Uh... yeah I did. I loved swinging so high. I loved pretending that I could fly and jumping off."

_"You were deprived, your parents should be ashamed."_

Dean laughed a little, though he didn't really mean it. A soft sadness fluttered in his chest and he looked at the ground. "How come you never took your brother to the park?" Anna glanced over looking confused. "Well... uh... Cas told me once that he didn't swing a whole lot when he was a kid. But you say that you swung a lot. So how come you never took him to swing?"

"Oh. Well... I dunno... I guess it's cause- I always wanted to be distanced from my family. Michael and Lucifer where always fighting about something. Gabe never wanted anything to do with it, unless they were picking on Cas and then he immediately jumped in to protect him. Castiel was always so quiet about everything. I mean he never asked me for anything. He never said anything."

"For a long time we actually thought that Cas might be mute. See, one of the characteristics of autism is trouble with communication. Castiel didn't speak until he was four years old- he knew how but he just didn't. And even after he spoke for the first time, he didn't become a chatter box. If he did talk, it was to himself when he thought no one was listening." Anna paused to remember what point she was trying to make. "So after mom died, Castiel went back to being mute for a long time. The only time he would speak was when Lucifer demanded that he did. I think he only really did that because he was afraid..."

"Anyway, I guess I never really interacted with Castiel because he never talked to me... I never knew what to say to him. Or really even how to communicate with him period." Anna finished, looking thoughtful. Dean nodded.

"So if you knew that these horrible things were happening to your brother because of Lucifer why didn't you ever do anything for him?" Dean questioned.

Anna shrugged her shoulders, "I guess I was too afraid. I mean what if I helped him and Lucifer came after me? Selfish, I know, but I was just a kid and I didn't know how I could help. I didn't know what to do. I mean there's no manual for this kind of thing. There's no 'how to stop your brother from being a psychopath for dummies' book. Lucifer did horrible things to Castiel. He harassed him, victimized him everywhere that he went, beat him, god knows what else. But I was also Lucifer's little sister... The same thing could have happened to me. So I stayed out of it because I didn't want my life to be hell."

_"He wants to make my life __**hell**__. You know why? _

_**Because I was born. **__I shouldn't be here. _

_I should be __**dead. **__So go ahead, tell me how I'm __**selfish,**_

_tell me to __**get out**__. You wouldn't be the first person to reject me. _

_I'm sure you won't be the last. Like I said, __**I'm bad luck, I'm bad news**__."_

Dean slowed his swing to a stop, thinking about how broken he had seen Castiel. Castiel never talked about what actually happened to him. He always just said that his brother was terribly evil and wanted to terrorize him. Now that Dean thought about it- he had no idea what actually happened to Castiel as a child. Just that his brother was abusive.

"Anna. What exactly did Lucifer do to Castiel?" Dean asked slowly. He wasn't really sure that he wanted to know but at the same time he did want to know. He guessed it might help him to understand Cas better, maybe see the real reason that Castiel never let anyone in. Understand why he was so damn afraid of everything and everyone.

Anna sighed, "You really don't want to know... I don't know if I can even tell you. I don't know if I know everything that went on behind closed doors."

"Well, what do you know?" Dean asked.

"Well... he would scream at him. Lucifer screamed at all of us- though for us we didn't believe him. Castiel was so young though... it was much easier for Lucifer to make an imprint in his head. He called Castiel every insult in the book, told him how worthless he was. How no one would ever care about him. How he was a nothing and would never be anything more then a piece of grime on his shoe. A bug on the windshield, that kind of stuff. But a lot of the times he would end his rants by telling Castiel that he loved him. That he would always be there to protect him, always be watching him."

"Why? Why tear someone down just to tell them that you love them?" Dean asked.

"I dunno. You're asking me to get into the mind of a psychopath. That's not exactly that easy. If I had to guess though, Lucifer liked to tear down Castiel's mind. He deeply enjoyed ruining any type of positive thought that Cas had- but at the end he would go back and put into his mind that he loved him so much. I think it created a sense of confusion and even more chaos. I mean imagine having every reservation you have being tossed aside. Imagine thinking the absolute worst of yourself and then being told that one person- who torments you daily loves you. It creates absolute anarchy in your head. I mean, you are supposed to care about this person who won't stop hurting you. It's such a conflict in your head." Anna speculated, swinging higher.

Dean paused to think about that. What would it be like to have absolutely no self esteem and loath everything that made you who you were. Then to be told that one person loves you dearly, only to have them turn around and torture you. Even the idea of such a thing made him uncomfortable.

"As far as physical abuse goes I don't know what all went on. I know that Lucifer beat him and cut him. He put bugs in his food a few times, which made Cas starve himself for weeks at a time. I remember that Gabe had to beg Castiel to eat a lot of the time. Sometimes Lucifer would wake Castiel up with alarms that would keep him up for days at a time. Plus Cas already had a huge issue sleeping because of nightmares and night terrors."

Dean interrupted quietly, "How did he even live through that? I mean how does a person live through barely sleeping and eating for weeks at a time- along with crippling self esteem issues and terrible self-loathing?"

"I have no idea." Anna replied simply. "I mean... he was ill a lot and I mean A LOT."

_"This is __**my fault**__. If I had just told you, _

_then you could have protected Mary. _

_Part of me thinks that this was also a punishment for me... _

_To remind me that __**no matter where I go, **_

_**no matter what I do, no matter who I love.**_

_**I am always putting other people in danger **_

_**and he will always be there that fallen angel on my **_

_**shoulder.**__"_

"And you never did anything to help him?" Dean asked slowly.

Anna stopped swinging, "Like I said, I was young. I didn't know what to do to save him. I didn't know how I could help him. I was afraid to get in Lucifer's way. I didn't want to get hurt."

"I guess..." Dean trailed.

"You blame me, don't you?" Anna asked.

"No. No. I really don't. Still, I should be heading home." Dean answered. "I gotta make sure that Sam got home after storming out on me."

"Alright. Later." Anna replied, Dean smiled and started to walk away. Then Anna called after him, "Hey, we should do it again sometime."

Dean turned back, "Hell yeah. See you."

Anna waited until Dean was out of ear shot before flipping her cell phone open. She dialed quickly and waited as the phone rang. "Hello?" a familiar voice rang over then phone. At least it was familiar to Anna. She smiled upon hearing him.

"Hey. It's me."

"Anna. Hey. What did you learn?" the voice asked.

"That we were right. Castiel has been taken by Lucifer. Shocker there. Now he's working for Lucifer, at least according to Gabriel. Though he and Balthazar don't seem to know much, apparently Cas hasn't talked to them in months. I think he's trying to keep them as far away from everything as possible. Probably an offhanded attempt at keeping them safe." Anna answered.

"Good, good. I'm glad that not everyone is involved. Though it's a shame that Lucifer has his grip on Castiel. Anything else?"

"Castiel is working for Lucifer for a reason. The Winchester boys. They're two local boys in town here. Apparently their father had some kind of involvement with Lucifer, I'm fuzzy on the details. Still it ended up being that he kidnapped the younger brother and Castiel offered himself up to save the younger brother. Also... I'm not sure but I think dear little Castiel has a thing for the elder Winchester." Anna said pacing in a circle around the playground.

"Castiel having a crush on anyone is way out of the question. There's no way your information is right. He's not the romance type." the voice argued.

"I'm telling you, he's got a thing for the older one. At the very least the older one has a thing for him. Even if he's way to stubborn to admit it." Anna returned.

"Castiel doesn't know how to care. Lucifer stripped that of him."

"He's become a very different person since you last saw him."

"Fine. You need to be sure. We can't afford to take risks, if this Dean character is his weakness we need to know. So be sure, get them together. I don't care how, but you have to be _one hundred percent_ sure. Not just a hunch. Not what you pick up. We can't afford to be sloppy or Lucifer will catch wind of us. Understand?"

Anna sighed, "I understand but how am I gonna get them together? How am I gonna be able to see? I mean I'm not really seeing options here."

"I don't care _how _you do it, just do it." the voice snapped clicking off the phone. Anna sighed.

"Understood."

* * *

_Ah. The plot thickens.  
_

_Haha. It's funny because in 'Worker Bee' chapter 7 was also about a phone conversation. Except this one wasn't overheard by a curious Castiel. This chapter is short. I'm sorry for that but this chapter really wasn't intended to be that long. It's pretty short, sweet, and to the point. Well maybe not to the point exactly... I think this chapter should be the chapter that makes you ask questions.__ We also get some more insight into Castiel, I mean, Dean didn't really know that much about Castiel's past. We as readers knew but Dean only knows so much. He's just trying to get the story straight.  
_

_So ask questions.  
_

_And I'll laugh because you don't know the answer. And I mean that in the most loving way.  
_

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	8. White Flag

Chapter 8: White Flag

A loud rapping at the door interrupted Castiel's cooking. Yes, he cooked. Well, not all the time- it wasn't always good- but he did try nonetheless. At the moment, he was just making a grilled cheese sandwich. He needed some good food, he had been barely eating for days.

It wasn't as if Castiel didn't want to eat, he really truly tried his best to eat. Still every time that he looked at food he felt a strong urge to look away and vomit. That made eating food low on his list of priorities. Castiel guessed that it was a side effect from Lucifer putting bugs in his food as a kid. Now he just couldn't look at food the same way. In fact he didn't know if he ever would be able to look at it the same way again. He stalked over to the door, opening it to see his blonde companion.

"Adam, come in." Cas said extending an arm so he could welcome him into his home. Adam flashed a quick smile, taking his shoes off at the door. Castiel made sure to get the door closed behind him. He was always paranoid about someone coming in. "You have something to report? Yes?"

"Well, a couple things actually. First, I have this for you." Adam answered, rummaging through his pocket. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for and extended it to Castiel. He looked at it questioningly, it looked like a folded napkin. He paused staring at it. "It's from Dean."

"I can't." Castiel replied instantly, turning away. "Lucifer has forbidden me from contacting Dean. So I can't take it."

Adam sighed, "Well, I'm not supposed to read it. Come on. Take it. Then I'll take it away and no evidence. He'll never know unless you tell him."

"He always knows. Besides if I were to have any type of interaction with Dean... Well... I would just feel like I needed to go back to him. I would be tempted to go to him, which would only end badly." Cas answered going back to his sandwich. Taking a bite, then frowning. "I think this is burnt. Do you think this is burnt?" Cas asked extending the sandwich.

Adam gave a confused smile, leaning forward and taking a bite from the other side of the sandwich. "Yeah, it's a little burnt... well... actually it's really burnt." Cas frowned, feeling disappointed then stalked over to the trash and threw the sandwich away. Adam stepped closer, holding out the napkin again. "Just take it Castiel, you owe yourself that. You really care about the guy-"

"That seems to be the problem." Castiel returned, looking down at the ground. Adam pushed the napkin closer. Castiel sighed taking the napkin but not opening it.

"It's okay Castiel. I mean, you were worried that the guy hated you but obviously he doesn't or he wouldn't bother to try to get a message to you." Adam surmised. "Just read it."

Castiel merely pocketed the note. "I'll read it in a bit. Now you said you had other things to report? What were they?"

Adam's brows furrowed in frustration, "Well, when I met him there he was with a girl. Now normally I'd just write it off as some random chick, but when I was listening to them talk. I heard that she knew you. Her name was Anna I think, isn't that the name of your sister? Anyway I thought it was strange so I decided I should report."

"I haven't spoken to Anna in years. Neither has Gabriel or Balthazar to the best of my knowledge. Why on earth would she show up out of nowhere and start talking to Dean?" Now it was Castiel's turn to frown and think.

Adam shrugged, "It could just be coincidence."

"I don't believe in coincidences. People don't just show up after years of ignoring you. Anna didn't leave home on the best of terms. She was angry she believed that Gabe and I were the whole reason that Lucifer was so evil. She said that us opposing him was the reason that he got progressively more dangerous. She wouldn't just show up without a reason." Castiel thought out loud. Adam laughed a little bit. "What?"

"You know when Dean cornered me I asked him if he believed that it was just coincidence. He told me the exact same thing. That he 'doesn't believe in coincidences'. You guys are strangely alike. Which is funny because he's my half brother." Adam answered, taking an apple from the counter. Chomping away at it.

"He still doesn't know?" Cas asked, thoughts interrupted. Adam shook his head.

"No. I don't think that he'd like for me to shatter the pure memory he has of his father. I don't enjoy being a home wrecker and from what you've told me- it would totally wreck any image he had left of his father. Not a good idea." Adam decided, Castiel nodded in agreement.

"I want you to be very careful. Anna is smart. Whatever reason she's here for... it can't be good. She wouldn't just come back without a reason. Which means someone probably sent her-"

"There's one other thing, I uh... I don't know if you're gonna like this but- uh..." Adam sighed, "Well... they seemed to be- uh... on a date."

Castiel shrugged, pretending that he didn't care. Though the truth was, it really hurt to know that Dean was romancing his sister. For one thing it was affirming what Castiel had already thought. Lucifer was right, Castiel was only an experimental phase for Dean. It also hurt to know that he had moved on. Though Cas knew that thought was unreasonable- he couldn't expect Dean to wait around for three years. Dean wasn't the sit patiently and wait type anyway.

Still the seeds of doubt that Lucifer had planted, were now budding. Popping out of the ground and causing cracks in the cement. Castiel barely had any foundation as it was, to find this was like seeing tree roots uproot the cement destroying the already damaged walkway. Adam stared questioningly- now he could feel himself regretting his decision to tell Castiel about it.

After a few moments of awkward silence Castiel looked at Adam. "You need anything else? Otherwise you should go back to your post." Adam shrugged and headed for the door. Before he was fully out Castiel called out to him, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Though it's kind of my job." Adam smiled, closing the door behind him. Castiel sighed heavily, he had lost his appetite now and he didn't feel like eating. He walked over to his bedroom closing the door and locking it behind him. He walked around the room closing the shades on his window. He did another look around and saw no one present.

Castiel pulled the napkin thumbing it between his thumb and forefinger. He hesitated in opening it. He was afraid that if he did, his feelings would just come back. Castiel looked at the napkin, apprehension in his features. He was afraid of the words on this tiny piece of paper. He paused to think about it.

Funny how a tiny piece of paper could be life altering. Whatever was on the sheet could either inspire hope and courage or it would further destroy his self image. That would inspire more self-loathing and only serve to further destroy what little was left of him. Castiel's hands shook a little he just wasn't ready for something like this. Still he had no choice he needed to open it.

He couldn't believe it.

_Cas, look I'm sorry about what I _

_said and I'm really worried about you_

_I hope that whatevers going on_

_you're okay. If you can give me a call._

_-Dean_

Castiel smiled, holding the note close to his chest. He was happy that the note was positive, he was glad that Dean still gave a damn. Still there was an issue, feeling happy like this- meant that he had something to lose. Having hope meant that he was vulnerable to his brother. Still Castiel couldn't help but smile softly to himself.

Then he decided that he needed to hide the note some where it wouldn't be found. He decided underneath him mattress pad would be the best place. People rarely wash the mattress pad because they have sheets over top of them. He doubted the Lucifer would make a point to look there- it seemed like a really random place to hide something.

He headed out of the room, observing the kitchen. Maybe he should make another sandwich- but he didn't want to burn it again. However, he was interrupted when the door flew open causing Cas to flinch. Lucifer stepped inside and smiled. "Here, I brought you lunch." he said dropping a bag onto the counter. Castiel observed it carefully, unsure of whether he should eat it or not. Lucifer laughed a little, "I promise there are no bugs."

Castiel shrugged his shoulders opening the bag, inside was a left over box. He flipped it open and inside was a surprisingly delicious looking sandwich. "What's the catch then?" Castiel asked suspiciously.

"No catch, baby brother. It's just a sandwich." Lucifer replied with his usual vigor. Castiel still stared at it skeptically. "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to. Like I said though, it's just a sandwich."

Castiel put the box aside deciding that they should be talking about more pressing issues. Lucifer walked past him, he didn't seem to have much to say. "Anna is in town." Castiel called, Lucifer stopped dead in his tracks. He didn't say anything, or even turn around it was as if for a moment. Just one moment, Lucifer had been caught off guard. It was a rare sight to see though it wasn't impossible- it did happen on rare occasions.

However, that moment was over quickly enough.

Lucifer turned slowly, though he wasn't smiling- which was a cause for concern. If Lucifer wasn't smiling it was always scarier then when he was. "So baby sister is back in town, eh? What does she want?"

"I don't know." Cas replied, "Adam told me that she saw her with Dean. That's all that I know, that she's here and apparently acquainted with Dean."

Lucifer leaned up on the wall, stroking his chin in thought. "Well considering that she disowned us as family- I doubt her intentions are pure. I highly doubt it... hm... Or maybe they just aren't her intentions maybe they are someone else's. Well, we need to know why she's here. She's a smart girl if someone started following her she would notice." Lucifer pushed off the wall pacing in circles thinking.

"Alright. Here's what I'm going to do- or rather what you are going to do. You're going to go and talk to her- figure out what's going on with her. I officially put you in charge of all things Anna related. You report back to me when you find anything note worthy." Lucifer declared. A soft hope tickled in Castiel's gut, what if he ran into Dean?

"What about if I run into Dean Winchester? Adam said it looked like they were friends." Castiel answered. Lucifer stopped pacing in a circle and looked back to his brother.

"I guess, I will make an exception. Still I don't want you fawning all over him. I don't want you lusting for him, because like I've said many times..." Lucifer paced over to where his brother was- grabbing his tie and jerking him forward. "You belong to me, little brother. Dean can't have you."

"I know." Castiel replied softly, knowing that the quickest way out of this situation was to give Lucifer what he wanted.

Lucifer smirked, "It just is so cute when I don't have to force you to do anything. When you just do it because I told you to. You can be such a good, obedient boy sometimes. I very much so appreciate it. It really does make my life easy. Now just because I like to hear you say it, tell me again."

"I know." Castiel repeated.

"You know what?" Lucifer asked, leaning closer invading Castiel's personal space.

Castiel sighed and looked at the ground feeling pathetic, tiny, and insignificant. It was amazing how Lucifer was able to make him feel like he was just a speck of dirt on the face of the earth. "I know..."

"Come on Castiel. I'm not letting go of you until you tell me what it is that you know." Lucifer replied leaning closer, his hand still gripping Castiel's tie tightly and preventing him from going anywhere. "The longer you keep me waiting the more I'll make you say it."

"I know, that I belong to you... that I'm mindless and obedient. That I'm helpless without your guidance... That I need you." Castiel said softly, feeling strangely dirty as he said it. He guessed that Lucifer probably got some kind of twisted turn on by Castiel's submission- either that or he just liked to make sure that Castiel was still in check. Or hell, maybe it was both of them.

"And?" Lucifer asked.

"That... I... that I want you..." Castiel whimpered.

"Good boy." Lucifer smiled, letting go of Castiel's tie. "Still, if Anna's here there's a problem and that takes precedents over any other issues I might have. So being in the same place as him at the same time is fine. But I don't want you talking to him unless you absolutely have to." Lucifer conceded.

"Call her."

Castiel shifted in the swing seat. Anna had requested that they meet up at the park, but Castiel had come early. Or at least he thought that he was early. Maybe he wasn't either way he was out of the house which meant no bending to Lucifer's will. He rubbed his hands together for warmth- really wishing that he had brought some gloves. Castiel swayed back and forth, watching the ground move beneath him. He exhaled, watching his breath.

The night was young, but the veil of darkness had still covered the sky. The stars weren't visible because of the clouds. But, a soft glowing shadow could be seen trying to peak out behind the haze. The moon of course. The park was quiet, it had snowed a little yesterday so there were very few people in it. Almost like a ghost town, the wind would blow every so often and the whole place seemed to move. It was strange how lonely the place seemed without any children playing.

Castiel gazed across looking at the playground, imagining what it must have looked when it was full of busy children. In a way- places like this were so sad during the winter. Neglected and forgotten after the first snow fall. Like it had become less of a place just because it was covered in snow and ice.

Sympathy spread through his veins. He knew the feeling. The feeling of being forgotten as soon as the snow set in. Granted, his being forgotten was by choice- but it was better then the alternative. Despite all the pain that giving up and going with Lucifer had caused, if he could do it all over again he would make the same choice.

Castiel would freeze over again, even if he had the choice not to. Every time he would make the same choice and every time he would be forced to sit and wait for the warmth of spring. Just like the playground.

But spring was a long ways away and he had to survive the cold winter first. He couldn't buckle or break- Castiel could not yield to the blizzards. Though at this point it barely even seemed like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It barely seemed like he had any chance of making it through the winter, not without help. Yet, help, he could not afford- so alone he would stay.

"Cas...?"

Castiel jerked his head to the side, looking at the voice. Words caught in his throat, the cold air clamping down like an iron fist. His ability to speak went out the window, his ability to think followed suit. Castiel's mouth hung open ever so slightly. He didn't know why he was having such an issue with his usual greetings.

_Hello Dean. _His brain thought on instinct but the words were still jammed in his throat. What did he say? How should he say it? Why was Dean even here? Anna was supposed to be here.

"What, no 'Hello Dean'?" Dean asked standing several feet away. "You know I was looking forward to that."

Castiel blink, his brain buffering. He was trying his hardest to process why Dean was here and Anna wasn't. He had talked to Anna on the phone, she had said meet him here- so why was Dean here instead? Dean shrugged his shoulders walking over to the swing next to Castiel- dusting off the snow so he could sit down.

"So are you just going to sit there staring at me or are you actually gonna talk to me?" Dean asked, swaying in his swing a little. "I mean... this would be pretty boring if you just sit there. So talk about something. Anything."

Castiel couldn't seem to get a grip on anything that was happening. He just sat there a deer in headlights- he hadn't anticipated just Dean showing up. Now he couldn't think of one good thing to say, he gripped the cold, metal, chains that the swing was hanging from. Castiel could feel his hands sticking to the cold metal- it would hurt when he pulled them away.

_Don't engage him. Lucifer will have your head. _

Another set of shivers went through his body, but this time they weren't cold shivers. Or they weren't _only _cold shivers. This time they were excited and nervous shivers. Butterflies in his stomach- anticipation and expectation in his chest.

_Don't talk to him. Don't even look at him. Just wait for Anna. _

"Come on Cas. Talk to me." Dean pleaded.

_If you talk to him you'll just get in over your head again._

Dean rose to his feet, stepping in front of Castiel. Startling him, but before he could flee Dean cut of his exit strategy. Dean gripped the metallic chain just above where Castiel had his hands. Green emeralds were suddenly the only thing that Castiel could look at. His eyes were so perfectly green, it was almost like inside of Dean's eyes laid spring. The grass growing, flowers starting to turn up, tree's getting back their leaves.

Then sun melting away the cold snow to make room for a fresh, new, forest floor.

Castiel opened his mouth, but whatever words he wanted to come out failed. All he could do was stare into those eyes. As if he was looking through key holes and inside was spring. Castiel faltered his emotions getting the best of him. He felt his cheeks flush red, not being able to speak was most frustrating. His mind continued to run on overdrive, he was no longer thinking in words.

"Cas, it's okay. No one is gonna to hurt you..." Dean whispered. "I promise."

For a moment, Castiel truly believed what Dean was saying.

Castiel hesitantly leaned up towards his companion, finding that he still didn't have any words. Dean's eyes widened, before he gave a small laugh leaning down. Their heads leaning in slightly different directions, noses brushing past one another. Hesitant breathing on one another's lips. Dean stopped once he was sure that Castiel could reach him- he waited letting Castiel close the gap whenever he was ready.

He wasn't quite ready either, he lingered for a few more moments questioning himself. What if Anna showed up and saw him? What if Lucifer found out? The two stayed just hanging in one another's personal space. Lips that dared not to touch yet were even more afraid of pulling away.

Dean refused to close the gap, since he wanted to be sure the Castiel was comfortable. Though afraid to lean any further, his hands did slide down a bit so they could hold onto Castiel's to keep him steady.

"...Dean..." Cas whispered so quiet he could barely even hear himself. His eyes, now fully shut in anticipation. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Castiel's lips brushed across Dean's but only for a moment.

Castiel felt his heart jump in his chest, it was beating so hard that it almost hurt. He wasn't used to being in charge and the pressure felt foreign to him. Cas retreated a moment after their lips made first contact. Dean opened his eyes as did Castiel. They stared, a soul piercing stare, chemistry bubbling between them. Castiel biting the inside of his lip in conflict. "It's okay." Dean assured softly, "Were alone."

Then after a moment's hesitation, they returned to each other in unison. Gentle lips pressed together on firm ones, feeling the earth around them stop. Creating a heat that was so intense, Castiel could have sworn it was unnatural.

Dean moved his hands from their place on top of Castiel's and ran them up his neck, evoking a shiver from Castiel. Dean took full advantage of the shiver, running his tongue across an already slightly open mouth. Causing Cas to open his mouth further, letting Dean become more intense. Cas let his arms do what was natural and wrap around Dean's neck. Passion was the word that seemed to come to Castiel's mind. Then a low moan escaped Castiel's lips and he pulled back as if he had made an awful mistake.

Dean had a natural delay in his reaction, he couldn't see why Cas had pulled back so urgently. His eyes opened slowly, awaiting a response. Cas flushed, his eyes darting around like a panicked animal. "That was... I'm sorry..." he choked, speech utterly strained.

"Cas, it's fine." Dean answered, still hanging in Castiel's space. Cas jumped to his feet, forcing Dean to back off a little bit- though Dean managed to catch Castiel's arm. "Hey. Wait."

"I- shouldn't." he said, speech broken. He had done something stupid, again. Lucifer was going to kill him for involving himself romantically and not talking to Anna. He had just done something that was going to make everything ten times harder. Castiel had just shot himself in the foot. He should have left the moment that Anna didn't show up. Castiel tugged his arm away in vein. "I need to-"

Dean sighed frustrated, pulling Castiel and grabbing his shoulder's. "Look, Cas." Castiel stared at him like a panicked dog. Dean looked down sighing. "Am I crazy or is there something going on here? Because I feel like we keep missing each other. I look at you, you look away. You look at me, I look away. Three years ago you told me you loved me. So I just need to know what the hell is going on. Or rather... what isn't going on. I don't know... Because I can't move on- I can't keep going until I know what's going on here."

Castiel shook his head, pulling his arms up and pushing Dean's hands off his shoulders. "I can't. I just can't."

Castiel started to flee, but Dean called after him. "What? So that's it? You _can't_? No offense Cas but I think I deserve a better explanation then 'can't'."

_Don't engage him._ Castiel repeated in his head.

Dean chased after Castiel, following closely behind him. "Look Cas, you're really scaring me. One minute your taking me home and taking care of me then next you want nothing to do with me. You're so up and down. And I'm trying to be patient and be tolerant- at least right now I am. Before I wasn't- before I wasn't listening. I was being a jackass and I'm sorry okay, but now I am listening. I'm trying my hardest to understand what your doing. So just say something."

"I can't." Castiel repeated.

"Yeah I get that but-"

"No. You don't!" Castiel blurted, stopping in his tracks. "You don't know what will happen to me. You don't know what _has _happened to me-"

"Well if you would just tell me-" Dean tried to defend.

"I. Can't. You don't seem to get that." Castiel snapped, turning away and walking fast leaving Dean alone. He didn't stop to look back, but he didn't hear Dean's footsteps behind him.

Castiel ran until he was sure that he had lost Dean. He had made his way into the city, where dim streetlights lit the way. He breathed heavy as he finally stopped to lean up against the wall. He ended up crumpling in an alleyway, to catch his breath.

_Stupid. _Were the only thoughts he could manage.

He was an idiot, a complete idiot. How could he do something like that? He knew that Lucifer was going to rem him if he found out. There would be no avoiding it either. Castiel knew that Lucifer would find out it was just a manner of time before he did. Panic crept up on him, like a lion in the brush. He had no where to go, no way to escape it. He screwed up and now Lucifer was going to kill him, or Dean, or both.

That's when a shadow loomed over him. He looked up to see Anna standing in the middle of the entrance to the alleyway. "Castiel?" her voice asked softly. He exhaled shakily and did nothing. "Oh god, I'm glad that I found you."

She rushed to his side, kneeling next to him. "You... set me up... didn't you...?" he gasped. Anna seemed to shrink a little, still she touched his shoulder affectionately a worried expression in her eyes.

"Dean really cares about you. I can see it in the way that he talks, the way his features light up or the way that they worry about you, and how much he talks about you. He seems to have a lot of regrets, so I told him that you wanted to see him but you were afraid to ask." Anna answered.

"That's a lie." Castiel managed. It didn't make sense for Dean to show up then for her to show up right after. Unless she was watching, waiting to be able to speak to him. There was no way that what she was saying was the whole truth.

"It's not a lie-"

"But it's not the whole truth either." Castiel surmised.

Anna sighed, "You've gotten sharper Castiel. You're right, but I can't tell you why I'm really here. That would go against my orders."

"So you're working for someone." Castiel decided. Anna nodded.

"Just like you." Anna answered. "I have a boss, just like you."

"You know about Lucifer I take it?"

"Yes." she replied. "I know all about the Winchesters and why you're working for Lucifer. Why you're following his orders, doing what he says... but Cas... you have to know that what you're doing is wrong..."

"I'd really rather you not pass judgment on me. You left. You abandoned us, telling us that we were the reason that Lucifer was getting worse. That by my existing I was challenging him and that's why he kept getting progressively worse." Castiel answered, not in the mood for this at all. Not while his lungs felt like they were being impaled repeatedly.

"I left because I couldn't protect myself and I couldn't protect you. I was angry at myself and I took it out on you and for that I'm sorry. Still, Castiel why after all that he put you through- even with caring about the Winchesters- would you work for him? There are other solution-"

"No. There isn't. I don't have options. I don't have choices. Lucifer stripped me of that. He's stripped me of everything that I have."

"There's always another way out. We could get them safe and you could tell him off. We can save the Winchesters. These orders are wrong and you know it. What you're doing right now is wrong. But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still-"

"Together?" Cas asked slowly. Then he shook his head, "Wouldn't work."

Anna sighed, letting go of Castiel. "You're going to tell him aren't you? Everything that I say here, you'll report back to him." Castiel nodded, "Then I won't say anymore. I'm sorry but I can't have him putting it all together."

Castiel stared across the alleyway his eye fixing on one specific brick. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary about this brick but for some reason it became the target of his attention. He watched it and waited for Anna to leave in silence. However, after a few minutes it became apparent that she wasn't going to leave.

"Cas- I know... I know it's late and I know... that, we haven't really ever been close... But if its alright... I- want to wait here with you. Until I know you're okay..." Anna said softly. Castiel nodded and so she wrapped her arms around him slowly. He didn't hug her back, he didn't even move, but he let her hug him.

"Anna..." he whispered. She raised her head, staring at him with big blue eyes. Castiel wondered if this was what Dean saw when he looked into his own eyes. Except that Anna was more sympathetic then he was. Her eyes were more gentle this time.

"What is it Castiel?" she asked slowly.

"Can I tell you something?" Castiel said with a shaky breath, his eyes darting back to his brick.

"Of course. Anything." Anna answered.

He wanted to tell her everything. Just so that it would be off his chest. He wanted to tell her about how he had been violated, in every single sense of the word. About how he slept with his brother, and how absolutely disgusting he felt about it. About how almost every day he had to bow down and submit to someone who overshadowed him in every aspect of life.

How he was ashamed that he was alive.

He wanted to tell her everything, but he was too afraid to say anything. Lucifer would know and he would make everything worse. Maybe he'd have to sleep with his brother again, maybe he'd have to do something worse. He couldn't think of anything worse, but he was sure that it existed. He was sure that Lucifer would be able to top himself if he needed too. He always did.

"Never mind..."

* * *

_"I'm going to hell... again." _

_Seriously, I am such an awful person. Like just. Just, no. I apologize to the entire fandom for how awful I am to everyone all the time. I apologize to the world for my sickening story. I apologize for being such a bad person.  
_

_Okay now that, that's out of the way, this chapter is named after a song called 'White Flag' which is by Dido. It's an old song and anyone who remembers the nineties probably knows what song I'm talking about. If you don't then go youtube it.  
_

_Next point, kissing scenes, what are you? Seriously. Why are you so difficult to write? Why? Feedback would be much appreciated if you've got the time to review (especially on that kissing scene between Dean and Cas)  
_

_Pretty sneaky Anna, you. This chapter is fun because it's really hard to tell what everyone's motivation is. I mean Anna? What are you doing? Then there's Cas whose just a big freaking mess and then Dean whose like... "FEELINGS WHAT ARE THEY?! I AM TRYING SO HARD AND IT STILL ISN'T WORKING! GAH."  
_

_Another point, in the next few days I'm going to be post another start for a story that I've been working on (mostly when I have writers block for this one). Chapters will be coming out much slower for it because the dialogue is very hard to write. I don't want to give too much away about it but let's just say... how do you feel about sixteenth century, fantasy, England? You know, dragons, archers, castles, ect. So be looking for that when it comes out.  
_

___**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much!**_


	9. Three Months and a Hangover Later

Chapter 9: Three Months and a Hangover Later

"Another." Dean mouthed to Ellen who was working as the barkeep. She held up a finger as if to say 'one minute' so Dean slumped further into his seat playing with the shot glass. Jo came up sitting on the stool next to Dean- she wasn't old enough to drink but she did work waiting tables and on a very rare occasion helping Ash cook. Dean sighed knowing that he was about to get an ear full, which was awful since the music that was playing over every conversation was already hammering away at his skull. He may have still been hung over from drinking last night, more whiskey probably wasn't going to make things any better but this was how he dealt with things now a days. He was an adult, he could make his own choices and if he wanted to get drunk every night- he could do that.

_Let's get fucked up and die..  
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..  
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..  
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,  
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,  
I have learned to love the lie._

"You know you're gonna kill your liver if you keep drinking this much." Jo reprimanded. Dean shrugged his shoulders, flipping the shot glass on its side. "I wonder how Anna and Sam deal with you coming home drunk every night."

"Patiently." Dean groaned putting his head down on the warm wood. "God damn that music is loud." he complained. Jo laughed a little, though Dean wasn't really sure who she was laughing at. He guessed that she was laughing at his whining, which shot a jolt of irritation through his blood stream. Though after a few moments it seemed to fade away and that was fine. He didn't care. Not anymore.

"It's only loud because you're smashed. If you look around you'll see that most people don't even notice it over their own conversation. It's seriously not that loud. I mean I don't think we even have the jukebox on full volume." Jo observed looking around the bar. Dean lifted his head quickly only to feel the whole room do a one eighty around him. Which caused him to duck back down quickly.

"I am not drunk enough for this conversation." Dean complained. He opened his eyes slowly, watching as people downed their shots. Then closed them at the same speed, he flinched a moment when he felt Ellen invade his space to take his glass.

_I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.  
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah  
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,  
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,  
I'm addicted to words and they're useless._

_(In this department)_

"You know it's been three months." Ellen tried. "And every night the past three months you've been here. You know what I'd like?"

"Peace on earth, mercy mild?" Dean remarked sarcastically, downing the shot. Jo rolled her eyes and left. Ellen sighed, leaning forward so she was close to Dean.

"Dean Winchester, I have known you since you were six years old. Seeing you like this is just depressing. I expect binge drinking from your uncle and your daddy but you? I expect better of you boy. You need to get your head out of your ass and move on." Ellen snapped with irritation. Dean sighed, sinking down and laying his head on the table. "There's more to life then liquor."

"I'm just tired." Dean whispered tapping the top of his shot glass with his index finger. "I mean every time I try I fail. Everyone I love, I lose. It's just a matter of time before everyone is gone and I can't fight it anymore. I give up. I'm done."

"So what, you're just gonna drink yourself into a coma? Is that it? Work to put Sam through college and then just give up on anything that could be remotely new or interesting?" Ellen asked.

"I dunno. I guess." Dean answered.

"Do me a favor?" Ellen responded."Stop being so damn pathetic."

_Let's get fucked up and die..  
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,  
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,  
I'm about to explode.  
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.  
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,  
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept_

"Come on Ellen don't be like that." Dean whined loudly. Causing Ellen to walk away to deal with other customers. He sighed and stared through the glass on the counter. The amber liquid bouncing back and forth at the sides of the shot glass. Once they settled, Dean could see himself (at least if he squinted) in the reflection. Dean watched the glass with an uncalled for intensity, as if he was having a staring contest. Jo passed by carrying a tray and looking totally confused by his actions.

"You know it's not gonna move unless you move it." Jo observed.

Dean merely stared intently, the color of amber reminded him of Castiel in his damn trench coat. He tried to conjure up a mental Castiel sitting in the bottom of his glass. His focus becoming even more intense, Jo passed him again. "Seriously, you can't have a staring contest with something that doesn't blink. Are you sure you're not drunk enough?"

"I'm pretty sure." he slurred. If he was still thinking about Castiel then he just wasn't drunk enough.

_I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..  
And all the things that don't get old..  
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.  
It's the only way I have learned to express myself  
through other peoples' descriptions of life..  
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless..._

_(In this department)_

_Let's get fucked up and die.  
For the last time with feeling  
we'll try not to smile  
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights  
That still shock and surprise.  
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end  
But I choose to abuse for the time being,  
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die._

Jo gave him a skeptical gaze, noticing the slur in his speech. "You know that my mom's gonna cut you off pretty soon. I'm amazed that she hasn't cut you off yet. I mean, you seem pretty drunk."

"Sh." Dean silenced.

Jo rolled her eyes looking annoyed, "Whatever."

_Sister soldier  
You've been such a positive influence on my mental frame  
If I could ever repay you,  
I would, but I'm hard up for cash  
And my memory lacks initiative._

Dean watched the glass, drawing Castiel bit by bit in his mind. First his legs, then his trench coat- beautiful brown trench coat, then his shoulders- little bit broader but whatever, his neck, his face- his angular jaw and just a little bit of five o' clock shadow, his scruffy dark brown hair. Those tired blue eyes, with oceans of pain behind them. Those soul searching eyes, naturally sad eyes. God those freaking eyes. "Why are your eyes so friggan blue?" Dean mumbled to no one.

Ellen took a deep breath, observing Dean from a ways away. He looked so absolutely sad, "Hey Dean. Get a ride. Go home. Talk to Anna. Give Sam a hug. Get some sleep. I am not indulging your habits anymore. I will not give you another drink."

Dean sighed, at rose to his feet staggering a little. He was only half way drunk- which clearly wasn't drunk enough if he was still feeling depressed. He decided not to call a cab and not to drive either- not that he could drive he had left his baby at home. Dean was not going to get into a drunk accident in his baby, no freaking way.

_God damn the liquor store's closed,  
we were so close to scoring  
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..  
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.  
(In this department)_

It was early January, the air was freezing actually probably below freezing. Streetlights illuminated the white snow on the ground causing it to glisten even in the late night. Dean did his best to walk along streets and sidewalks that were cleared off- but sometimes that wasn't the case. He listened as the ground crunched below him, the occasional car rolling by. Still, everything was pretty quiet, leaving Dean to face his thoughts. He did his best to shut them out- the alcohol really helped- but because he wasn't drunk enough he still had passing thoughts now and then. The thoughts of Castiel, just the memory of his face- those sad eyes and the panicked look that he gave him. Still the catch twenty two of the whole thing was that had he been drunk enough, he wouldn't have been able to walk home safely. Not that he was walking home safely now, but at least he was _walking. _

Dean felt guilty about making Anna or Sam come and pick him up every night though. So he supposed, since he was sober enough to walk, he probably should. Besides, he could use the exercise and really, why the hell not? So rather then burdening the people he loved- which he already did on a day to day basis- he decided that walking was worth while. He headed down the lonely road, listening to the sound of his own breathing.

Three months had passed since his meeting with Castiel, Dean didn't know what to think anymore. They kissed and it was absolutely amazing- like take your breath away and leave you speechless or like the earth quakes, the stars shake, and the heavens themselves stop for just a moment type of amazing. Even though the thought of being with another man weirded him out a little, even if it was hard to admit this attraction was the real deal. Not that it mattered now, Cas was gone.

Of course, Dean didn't even know where Castiel had gone to. He was just gone, like he had suddenly dropped off the grid. Which was funny because Cas was always the one complaining about Dean leaving after kissing. Yet here Cas was doing the same exact thing- just dropping off the face of the earth. In fact he was worse then Dean, he left- no explanation, no nothing- and just never came back. Dean stopped under a street light looking up into the light and leaning on the post for support. He exhaled watching the breath float away towards the stars.

"Dammit Cas." he breathed to a vacant street. No one was around to hear him. "What the hell give you the right?" he mumbled.

"What gives you the right to hate me for leaving you alone and then you whip around and do it to me?" he asked, sliding down the pole till he was squatting above the ground. "You stupid son of a bitch... I don't care what you're brother does to me- I just can't be so alone anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore..."

Then he pushed off the ground so he could stand up. Dean wasn't getting anywhere by cursing to himself, the fact was Cas wasn't coming back and he knew it. So he kept walking, feeling the wind whip against his features. It was cold out, so very cold out and Dean only had his leather jacket to keep him warm. He thrust his hands into his pockets hoping that, that would keep them warm. But the truth was, no one could could keep him warm- his heart was turning to ice. Bit by bit, every day he was growing colder and now it felt like no one could melt that ice.

A black hole, that took everything he had left. It took everything and pulled it into an ice cold center that contained far more then it should.

By the time that he got home it was around midnight, Sam was already in bed and Anna was lounging about on the couch. Anna had come to live with Dean shortly after he had his blow out with Cas. They weren't really romantically attached, they had tried it and it had been disastrous. Mostly because Dean was still reeling from Cas and Anna just couldn't be a substitute. She explained it to Dean as, 'she wanted to be close to him because she really cared, but she didn't always want to be the back up plan. It was clear to her that Dean had feelings from the past he wouldn't let go of and they couldn't be in a healthy relationship until he got better.'

Still, she ended up moving in with them as a type of roommate. She even paid Dean rent to use their mom's old room. It helped Dean not to worry so much about paying bills, since she had to get a job to pay rent and that rent went to the house. Things had been tight lately since business for Bobby had been slow. They where roommates but also friends- since Dean was lacking in friends and emotional support. He was always amazed by her ability to deal with him, especially after he had taken up the bottle.

In a way, Anna had taken on a motherly role for Dean- helping to keep him in line. She was a firm guiding hand and Sam was just happy that someone was able to deal with him so well. Sam had never really been one to be patient with drinkers, he never really knew how to help Dean and most of the time he would just get pissed about how Dean was acting. Though, that wasn't anything new for them, Sam was still pissed that Dean wouldn't let them help Cas. He kept saying, "Once you're out of the house, I'll try to get him back so that I'm the only one in the line of fire. But I don't know how that will work, he seems pretty bent on keeping me out."

Part of the reason that Anna wanted to stay close to Dean was so she could wait for news on Castiel. Though Dean could help but find something about her intentions fishy since she was always having phone conversations that she thought Dean wasn't listening to. Dean could never really put together who she was talking to- that or he just didn't care.

Anna jumped to her feet the moment that Dean walked in the door. "Hey, are you okay?" then she noticed how pink his cheeks were from the wind. "Did you walk home? Oh god Dean, you're gonna get pneumonia again!"

"I'm fine..." he slurred, leaning on a nearby wall for support.

She touched Dean's face almost feeling the windburn on his cheeks, "No you're not. You're drunk and you're a wreck."

"You're a wreck..." Dean replied leaning forward on Anna. She held onto him tight, though his weight was a lot to handle. Anna pulled him over to the couch, then shifted his weight until he fell over. He groaned.

"You know you have work tomorrow..." Anna said softly, touching his forehead. Dean closed his eyes staring at the inside of his eyelids, black. All he saw was black.

"He hates me... He totally hates me..." Dean whimpered pathetically. Anna sighed and left the room to grab a wet wash cloth, which she laid on Dean's forehead.

"He doesn't hate you Dean. Lucifer is just a controlling dick." Anna reassured.

"No, he hates me... I screwed up everything and now he hates me... I should have never gone when you told me about him..." Dean whined, he was a pathetic drunk. At least as of late, it was like all of his depression was just magnified. He sounded like a crying child.

"Dean." Anna said softly brushing his hair back. "You shouldn't sleep on the couch..."

He glanced up, putting an arm around Anna who helped to pull him to his feet. "...thank you..."

Anna helped to pull him up the stairs, "For what?"

"...putting up with me..." Dean mumbled.

"It's fine Dean."

When Dean woke up in the morning, he had a raging hangover. His head throbbed violently as he made his way downstairs. In fact he barely even _made _it downstairs without collapsing because of terrible vertigo. Dean leaned on the wall for support, making his way into the kitchen and grabbing a hold of the phone. There was no way that he could go into work, even if it was irresponsible of him. Still, one can't work if they can't even stand up.

After calling in sick and taking some much needed aspirin- he flopped on the couch, he didn't turn on the lights or the TV he just laid still. Dean pulled a pillow over his face and prayed that the headache would go away soon. After a few minutes (which seemed like a few hours because of being in pain) a loud knocking- which sounded like a jack hammer- was heard at the door. Dean groaned loudly, rolling off the couch and onto the floor. "Son of a bitch..." he muttered as he headed to the door. He opened the door to see his mail man, Chuck standing there.

Chuck was an aspiring author, who lived in his grandparents basement. He delivered mail around town to help pay a rent to his grandparents. Most people considered him just another drunk. Dean actually kind of liked the guy though, he was funny and as much as he hated to say it- pretty much the nicest person Dean had ever met. So even despite the fact that he lived in his grandparent's basement, Dean was usually pretty nice to him. But not on a day like today when his head was in so much pain.

"What do you want Chuck?" Dean asked putting a hand over his face. His head ache raged, like a pulsating heart in his head. The pain was intense, so dealing with his mailman- or really anyone in general was not high on his list of things he wanted to do. Dean looked through the screen, Chuck gave a nervous laugh.

"Hangover?"

"Yes. A nasty one. So I repeat, what do you want Chuck? I'm really not in the mood to be patient." he snapped.

"First class mail. Anna Milton lives with you right?" Chuck asked.

"Yeah." Dean replied opening the door and taking the envelope from his mailman. "What's it for?"

"I dunno." Chuck shrugged, "But if I had to guess, I'd say some kind of invitation. Though I'm really not positive about anything. I've just delivered a lot of letters."

"Thanks Chuck. Later." Dean said handing him a tip and closing the door. He stalked over to the couch wanting to open the mail. Though he was pretty sure that was some kind of federal offense or something. He was about ninety percent positive, at least. Still that didn't mean that he couldn't be curious and it was nice to get his mind off of the raging headache. He grabbed his phone which he had laid on the coffee table and decided to text Anna.

'Hey you got something weird in the mail.' Dean texted grabbing a glass of water and sitting on the couch.

'Oh is it first class mail? Gold insignia on the back?'

Dean flipped the letter over and glanced, she was right there was a gold insignia on the back. It had some kind of bird on it, maybe a falcon?

'Yeah. What is it?'

'It's an invite to a party that my dad throws every year. Every family member is invited. Its very black tie.'

'Everyone?'

'Yeah, though that doesn't mean that everyone goes...'

'Even Lucifer?'

'Lucifer hasn't gone in years.'

'Ah.'

'You're wondering about Cas aren't you?'

'Yeah...'

'He's always invited as one of the musicians. He went every year up till he started working for Lucifer.'

'So you don't know if he'll go?'

'No. But would you like to be my date in case he does go?'

'Sure. Any way we could get Sam in too?'

'Probably. If I talk to some people and call in some favors.'

'When is this?'

'Its usually the first part of February.'

'Okay.'

'You want to open it don't you?'

'Yes.'

'You're so predictable.'

'Okay if I'm so predictable what am I gonna do next?'

'Sleep off your hangover.'

'Well played.' Dean smiled and put the phone on the coffee table, laying his head down on the pillow. It was soft and helped to let his throbbing head hurt a little less. Maybe if he fell asleep then when he woke up the pain would be gone. That would be a nice thought.

_My eyes are closed, but I can still hear the sound of jack hammer. The weird thing is, the sound is inside my skull- its like there's a tiny work crew hacking away at my skull trying to pierce into the brain. It hurts so badly that I want to scream out- rather then being mute and enduring this agony. In a way, the pain is so intense I'm not even sure if I'm really the person feeling it. I personally never thought that I was capable of feeling so much anguish on my own. _

_I try to open my eyes but I can't, as soon as I get close to prying them open I feel a force shut them. Like my brain- which I'm amazed is even capable of thought when I'm in this much pain- is trying to protect me from what my eyes would see. I feel a slow, white hot, needle pierce at the base of my skull. It feels like the needle is injecting me with a burning acid that drips down my spinal cord.  
_

_Again I try to force my eyes open but I still can't seem to get them open. So instead I try to move, but that also feels impossible. It feels like there's a thousand pounds weighing down on my chest. Like a big ball of led that I can't move. I open my mouth but no words come out, I manage to get a squint out. A thick black figure sits on my chest, but I have no idea who it is.  
_

_Then they speak, "I see you're awake."  
_

_Who the hell is it? I know the voice but I can't seem to get my thoughts fluid enough to figure out who it is. The jack hammer and the searing agony in my spinal cord seem to be interrupting me every time that I try to draw up a picture. So despite my efforts I can't seem to conjure up who is talking to me. They shift on my chest and I feel their hip bones grind against my sternum. I try to groan in pain but again no sound comes out.  
_

_"Seems like you're having a little trouble there." he says with a little laugh. I cough a little, choking on an irony tasting glob of something. If I wasn't in so much pain right now I think I would hurl.  
_

_I fight against myself and finally manage to get my eyes open. Though I can't really make anything out, everything is blurry and there are splotches of black everywhere. The voice laughs a little bit more, "Maybe a little more then a little trouble. Pity."  
_

_Again I try to force out some speech but all that comes out is a broken noise that doesn't even sound human. When the noise comes out my lungs throb and I cough loudly again.  
_

_"Let me just tell you, I am going to kill you." the voice says matter of factly. I close my eyes giving back in to the pain. "But not yet, first you are going to suffer. I will make sure that your last moments are those of utter, excruciating, and absolute agony. Because you deserve it, you miserable piece of trash."  
_

_I feel a blunt pain, dig into my chest- like a tiger digging into its prey. I start to scream-_

Castiel's eyes fly open, having had an awful dream. His eyes jump around the room, trying to remind himself of where he is. Cas tried his best to assure that himself that he was safe, but he was never safe. Not here- not now- maybe not ever. Castiel couldn't really feel safe with Lucifer, no matter how hard he tried. It was impossible to feel like Lucifer wasn't just going to randomly fly off the handle.

He rolled from his side to his back, exhaling heavily. He could feel his bones ache and creak as he moved. Like an old rocking chair that was broken- so every time someone sat in it and every time that it moved it would make this high pitched whine. On a chair it was appealing, it gave the chair beauty and age- but on a person it was just plain painful. Cas rolled his neck back and forth a few times, hearing the bones crack. His hips hurt the most though, they felt like they were popped out of place. Castiel gazed up at the ceiling of Lucifer's room which was surprisingly dull and uninteresting. Though there was some nice texture on the ceiling. His eyes shifted back and forth drawing patterns and connecting things in different ways to make images. Then something clicked in his brain.

Lucifer's room.

He looked over to see an exposed back. He hated feeling like he was some kind of toy that existed for Lucifer's amusement. Though he knew that Lucifer would just say that he _was _his toy. Cas groaned softly- he didn't want to be a toy. He didn't want to feel like such crap about himself, but waking up next to his brother wasn't helping. Incest was wrong. Totally wrong, but he didn't have a choice he couldn't do anything about it. He had no way of saying no, what Lucifer wanted, Lucifer got. Still now he just felt used, he shoved it out of his mind. Castiel didn't particularly enjoy feeling like he was some kind of scum of the earth. Cas rolled out of bed, landing clumsily on his feet. He glanced back hoping that Lucifer wouldn't wake up, which he didn't. Good. Cas gathered his clothes and went into his room changing into some sweatpants and a baggy shirt.

Maybe he should get a shower. He wasn't sure though, as he contemplated the possibilities he heard a knock at the door. Cas rushed to the door, gazing through the eye hole. He pulled the door open to see a blundering mailman.

"Hello...?" Castiel asked slowly.

"Hey. Uh- um... I have two first class letters here for... uh... Lucifer and Castiel?"

Castiel tried to force a smile but it didn't really work. He pushed the screen door open taking the letters and looking them over. "Thank you." he said slowly. The mailman smiled and stepped off the porch. Cas closed the door, putting the letters on the table. He already knew what the letter was so he didn't need to worry about opening it. Though he wasn't sure if Lucifer was going to want him going this year or not. He supposed that it was up in the air still.

Cas made his way over to the sofa, reclining in the arm chair. Morning and late evenings were the best time of the day because Lucifer was usually asleep which meant Cas had time to himself- one of the only times he could not have to filter his thoughts. It was the only time that he let himself think about Dean Winchester, his hair, his eyes, his smile. Though Cas doubted that Dean even smiled anymore. He felt like he probably ruined everything that was good about Dean when he dropped off the face of the earth. Like he didn't already have crushing guilt issues.

He had run away form Dean (again), after kissing him- he only realized to late that kissing him was a mistake. If only he had just taken a step back, if only he had left. But the truth was? He couldn't, no matter how much he might have wanted too. Lucifer would find out about the kiss (and he did shortly after) and he would make Castiel's life a living hell (and he did). Cas let his head sink down, staring at his hands in his lap. The punishment that Lucifer had used- words could not describe the horror. He was locked in the warehouse and couldn't leave for two whole months. While he was on lock down, Lucifer would lock him in a blank room and torture him. Cas was used to being tormented, he was even (to some extent) used to the sexual abuse- even if he always felt like a used up piece of crap afterwards. But this, this was so much worse.

He shuddered just thinking about the time that he spent in that room. Being woken up every night so he was so sleep deprived he was hallucinating- which were so much worse then reality. Having Lucifer hold a gun to his head and shoot it, only to find out that he was shooting an empty gun. Nothing is more terrifying then the actual feeling of having a gun pressed to your temple. Feeling the anticipation in the pit of your gut- wondering if the lights are going to go out and if they do what's on the other side? Even if a person was surrendered to death, the whole action of dying was still terrifying. The most indescribable feeling of panic only to find out that the gun won't end his life.

It was maddening. To the point of Castiel screaming and begging to be killed.

Sometimes it wasn't even Lucifer who was torturing him, it could be Alastair or Azazel- Crowley didn't really take part he kept saying something about 'not wanting to get his shoes dirty'. Still all three of them (plus Lucifer) would come in and talk to him. Usually it was just to torment him, though occasionally Crowley would just go off on a random tangent. Those were the best moments, because he felt like he had a break from what was going on.

Then there was the asphyxiation- a method that Azazel favored since he didn't have to get his hands dirty. Then on Thursdays, he was hung from the ceiling for extended periods of time. In fact he passed out quite a few times from said method.

The whole two months was very blurry. After that, Lucifer offered to let him out provided that he did exactly as he was told. Provided he didn't stray from the path that his brother laid out. Frankly? Castiel was content to do whatever Lucifer wanted as long as it meant that Dean stayed safe and he himself stayed safe. So Cas promised to what Lucifer wanted, when Lucifer wanted. He didn't try to go behind Lucifer's back, he didn't try to do anything stupid.

Cas did what he was told.

And he hated every moment of it. Still he dealt with it, for Dean. For somewhere deep inside his chest was a flame that could not be extinguished, the hope that things would get better. One day, he hoped that he would be free from his brother's grasp. For without that hope, he wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning. Without that hope everything would just be pointless. Castiel decided that if he gave in to despair then he would revert to a horrible, selfish, and malicious self- that simply just wasn't Castiel.

Doing this for Dean? It was selfless, but Cas wasn't one to brag.

He thumbed over the invitation in his hands, wondering what Lucifer would do. He couldn't hope to guess, he didn't understand how his brother's mind worked. Still Cas wanted to know- though he wasn't going to go wake his brother up. As far as Cas was concerned, being alone was the best thing that ever happened to him. Though, that wasn't entirely true, because when he was alone there was no one to catch him if his mind drifted off to another place. Or back to those memories of the past few months. But on the other hand, when he was alone he could daydream about whatever he wanted. As long as he didn't let his mind slip down that road- he didn't have anything to worry about.

But sadly he was learning that it was impossible to stray away from the darkness.

Especially when it was all around him.

* * *

_I hate this chapter. I hate it a lot. I don't know why but I do. I guess I just for some reason don't feel like it's up to par with all of the other chapters but when I go and read it, there's no real reason why. I just don't like it. That being said, I need this chapter- it sets up the party which is like a large chunk of the story. Its more then one chapter. Still, for some reason I just don't like this chapter._

_I think it might be because it feels like nothing is happening, but believe it or not I don't want to always torture Cas. Every freaking chapter. So this chapter kind of takes a step back (although not really because we do see his life has not been easy). So, I apologize for this chapter. It's reminiscent of chapter fifteen in 'Worker Bee' I think.  
_

_Anyway, the song that's playing on the jukebox in the road house is 'Let's get Fucked Up and Die' or sometimes called 'L.G. Fuad' by Motion City Soundtrack. I dunno I thought it was appropriate. Especially for the bar scene. I just can't seem to tying songs into my writing, it's like I'm just chilling and listening to my MP3 player and then BAM. A song hits me and I'm just like... 'That works, yayness!'  
_

_Are you ready? Were gearing up for some fun stuff. Fun, fun stuff. Can't reveal too much about the party though.  
_

_In other news, have you seen the season 8 trailer? Amazing. Freaking amazing. (Except Jared Padalecki's hair was so distracting because it's so fabulous.) I am totally ready for purgatory. Just saying.  
_

___**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	10. Ready or Not

Chapter 10: Ready or Not

"It's not perfect." Dean tugged at the cuffs on his sleeves, he felt uncomfortable and itchy in this suit. It was like he wasn't himself when he was dressed in formal attire, no matter how good he looked. He glanced at himself in the mirror, observing himself as if he were some type of stranger- he looked presentable. In fact he looked quite professional. Still wearing a suit was not the Dean Winchester way and being in this suit was like being in someone else's skin.

Which (if you thought about it) was a disgusting metaphor. It felt like it was impossible to be comfortable, he tugged at the shirt collar- which felt too tight. It was hugging along his neck and it almost felt like it was choking him. So now he would have a noose around his neck all night long. Well, at least if he said something stupid the noose would be deserved. He adjusted his tie- it was a white silk tie that Anna had bought for him. Black suit, black shirt, white tie- Anna insisted that the combination was 'smashing'. Who even uses the phrase 'smashing' anymore? Well, besides British people- though that was stereotyping. "But this is as good as it's gonna get." he decided.

Dean paused before walking out, his fingers grazed across the tan trench coat. A fond but weak smile crossed his face. The warmth of familiarity spreading and surging through his bloodstream. A little bit of hot static that made his cheeks flush and his heart flutter. Though it soon faded away leaving nothing but a big gaping empty in his chest.

Dean silently wished that Cas would be there tonight, but he wasn't really sure. In fact for some strange reason- maybe the fact that Cas hadn't spoken to him in three months or the fact that he had literally ran away from Dean the last time they spoke- left Dean's hope feeling crushed under the weight of the suffocating, harsh reality. The future didn't seem to bright for Dean or for Cas, couple or not.

A craving that Dean had grown accustomed to bubbled in the pit of his stomach. In truth, it was two separate cravings that could be generalized as just one word. Hunger. Though not in the way that someone is ravenous for food, but rather the desire to have something. The mighty need that caused people pine over things for weeks or months at a time. In this case, Dean was hungry for two things; a drink and his dear friend Castiel. Though he knew the notion of lusting over either of these things was ridiculous. He had promised to stay sober for the night and he doubted Cas would come within fifty feet of him. Even though Dean still had no idea what he had really done wrong.

Anna said that she had tried to get a hold of Castiel but he wouldn't answer- big surprise there. Though Dean couldn't really say that he blamed Castiel- at least not anymore. He had excepted that Castiel had done what he had done, so he was no longer tormented by it (at least not on a regular basis). Although that didn't mean that Dean didn't miss him.

At one point he had considered Castiel to be his best friend, a person who was worthy of being labeled as family. This label still applied, Dean didn't think Cas would ever be able to shed the label (at least not in Dean's eyes). But he missed him so much that it felt like someone had ripped a hole in his chest, it hurt so bad that he didn't know what to do with himself. Cue the use of heavy liquor to ignore what was right in front of him. Most days, he drowned that sorrow in alcohol, but today he promised Anna he would stay sober.

Dean also promised her he would be on his best behavior. Especially since most of her family would be there and that meant that they would be interested Dean because he was with Anna. Even if the two of them weren't dating, they were still close which meant questions. Lots of them, so for the evening he would have to at least _pretend_ to be respectful. After all, it was Castiel's family too and both Cas and Anna were important to him. Just not necessarily in the same way.

He headed for the door but he stopped to look back. Just one last look at the trench coat- one last look at the past. Another wave of lost feelings swelled up and Dean quickly turned his head away. He twisted the doorknob, exiting the door and heading for Anna's room. He knocked only to hear a muffled 'come in'.

Dean pushed open the door to see Anna struggling to zip up the rest of her dress. It was a beautiful blue mermaid evening gown, it was cut up the side to the knee. She looked breath taking in it and it really brought out her eyes- but she was still struggling to get the whole thing zipped. "Help. Please?" she asked pathetically, giving a silly frown.

"Alright, alright." Dean laughed and Anna pulled her hair to one side so it wouldn't get caught in the zipper. Dean let out a sigh, taking the zipper and sliding it up. Another soft fondness filled the moment, although this was a different type of familiarity. It did fill them both Dean and Anna with a warm feeling, but it wasn't a romantic notion. He smiled to himself, "You know you look absolutely stunning in that dress. I mean that in the most respectable and non-romantic way possible."

Anna laughed twisting her hair, "You know you didn't really need to tag on that disclaimer. I knew what you meant."

"Yeah, I guess. Sorry, just don't want to give you the wrong impression or anything." Dean replied, tugging on the zipper to make sure that it was all the way up. Anna took a step back, facing Dean.

Then she did a slow turn while extending both arms to the side, "How do I look?"

"Good. Beyond good." Dean replied, "You kinda need a necklace to go with it but otherwise- flawless."

Anna smiled, pacing over to the tallest dresser in the room. Out of the top drawer she pulled out a small wooden chest, touching it fondly then opening the chest. Out of it she pulled up a silver necklace with a small dolphin circling a turquoise gem. "This was my mother's..." Anna said pacing over to Dean and holding it up. She handed it to him, "Can you help me put this on?" He nodded, pulling the necklace around her neck carefully and clipping it shut. She turned around, smiling. "Now I am complete. I'm impressed Dean, kudos for knowing I needed an accessory. "

"Yup." Dean agreed. Anna smiled, grabbing her coat and hanging it over her arm. Dean paused, his gaze lingering in the mirror. They both looked more then presentable. If only his mother could see him looking like this- she would be beaming from ear to ear. The thought of his mother, standing behind him- holding onto his shoulder and smiling. It made his eyes mist over just a little. "So before we go, can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Anything Dean." Anna replied.

"Who is that person you're always talking to on the phone?" Dean asked.

Anna frowned immediately. "Anything but that..."

"Oh come on. One, were friends. Two, half the time you're talking about me or talking about Cas. Cas is my friend. Or was my friend, I'm not really sure but he's still important. As for me its self explanatory. I deserve to know." Dean reasoned, Anna sighed.

"I'll tell you but... it has to be kept to yourself. If it gets out, it could be deadly for... well lot's of people. Can you do that for me Dean?" Anna asked, Dean nodded. He was ready to know what was going on behind closed doors. For Castiel, for Lucifer, for Anna, for everyone. Dean wanted to know. "Alright..." she passed over to the bed and sat, tugging her dress a little so that she was more comfortable. Dean passed over and sat down next to her, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"You know that Lucifer has formed his gang? That basically since he was sixteen years old he had been pulling together different people. He had been doing that because he has a vendetta against my father. Michael, took my father's side and so naturally he is on Lucifer's hit list as well. See anyone who takes my father's side over his side is on the hit list- that's why for so long, Gabriel, Castiel, and myself were safe. We were what you might call a _neutral party_- though in Gabe's case he wanted nothing to do with anyone. He wanted to take Cas and me and run. Me and Cas were to young to really have an opinion about much of anything."

"Wait, wait. If Cas was neutral why did Lucifer go after him?" Dean pondered out loud.

"Because, well, he always hated Castiel for other reasons. Dad always had to look after Cas more then anyone else. All of the attention that Lucifer wanted for being extraordinary went to Castiel for being the baby of the family. It didn't help that Cas was autistic among other things, he needed a lot of looking after. Lucifer was enraged by it because he wanted to be loved. Intense jealously issues I guess. I dunno, I guess it's just hard to get into Lucifer's psych. Because, well... he's nuts." Anna said, cracking a small smile. Dean forced a small smile and laugh too. She did have a point- it's hard to get behind the mind of a psychopath. Still he hardly thought this was really the time for jokes. Though he supposed humor made everything better- so it was whatever.

"Anyway..." Anna continued. "Lucifer built his _company _or rather his _clique_. And Michael built his, though his was built of good people. People who just wanted to help and do what they could. People who just wanted to save our family. He knew that Lucifer was targeting Castiel, either he was going to convert him or he was going to torture him. But Michael can't stick his hands directly into Castiel's life- not without tipping off Lucifer and starting a full blown war. Believe me you don't want to get in between these two when they get into a pissing contest. If Lucifer found out that Michael wanted to protect Castiel he go to every length possible to take Castiel. Cas would just become a prize for the boys-"

"But he did that anyway. He took Castiel and ruined everything that Cas had. So your brother kind of failed in that area." Dean answered.

"Lucifer doesn't know that Michael is trying to protect Castiel. He took Cas for his own reasons, which had nothing to do with Michael. Believe me, things would be very different in Lucifer knew Micheal wanted to help. Anyway, in the beginning of June I was finishing up school. I hadn't really had any kind of contact with any of my family in years. I was a different person in the past and I had trouble excepting the way things were. When I was younger I blamed Gabe and I blamed Cas- I shouldn't have, it was wrong."

"But, I can't change my past- anyway, Michael approached me. It was the first time that I had seen him in years. I was having trouble paying back school for loans, he spoke for father and offered me a position in the company. He told me that it would help me to pay back loans so I didn't have to worry and in a few short years I'd be able to go back to doing what I wanted to do."

Anna paused, Dean used the opportunity to ask a question. "And what is it that you wanted to do?"

"I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to work with the press. I started working with Michael- he showed me the ropes, mostly I just answered phone calls and stuff. But he promised that if I went to work for the company- if I went to work for dad, then he would pull strings and get me in to interview some people. Michael and my dad have friends in high places. So he cut me a deal, if I worked for the company for a while, he'd pull strings to help get me started."

"Still he was happy to see his baby sister and I was actually kind of happy to find out that he didn't hate me. He had also left the family abruptly, which made us all wonder some of the time. None of us really knew what Michael was doing- all we knew was that he wanted to follow in dad's footsteps. Which he did, successfully- though we only really heard about it at this party that dad throws every year. I mean, it's a great party he invites everyone- even Lucifer. I'm getting off point..."

"Yeah, but your rambling is kind of endearing." Dean decided flashing a smile.

"Anyway, around the beginning of July Michael told me about Castiel. He didn't know much, but what he did know wasn't good information. All he really knew was that Lucifer had taken Cas under his wing. So he asked me to go and find out whatever I could. Though I couldn't get out of work until October, I really needed money to support myself if I was gonna move back. Mostly because I didn't know how Gabriel would feel about me living with him. Cue me meeting you in the cemetery. One of the first things you told me was that you were a friend of Castiel's-"

"So you knew about Cas when you met me in the cemetery? Why didn't you just tell me then?" Dean asked.

"Well for one, I didn't know that much about Castiel's situation. For two, I didn't know what you knew. All you said was that you knew Cas. You had said that you didn't tell me what you knew. So I was left with the impression that you didn't know about Castiel working with Lucifer. After all, he's not very open about his relationships. Though, I'm assuming that you know that." Anna answered, staring at Dean who just gave a small smile. "You're such a butt Dean Winchester."

"Yes, but I'm a cute butt." Dean corrected.

Anna rolled her eyes and pushed him so he lost his balance. "No, just the regular type. So, yeah... The guy I've been talking to on the phone? He's my brother. I've been giving him frequent updates about me, you, and Castiel."

"Why me again?" Dean asked.

"Because you're important to Castiel. Whether you admit it or not." Anna smiled, she stood up slowly. She didn't want to mess up her dress in any way. "Now go get your brother, the limo will be here in a couple of minutes."

"Whoa, wait- limo?" Dean said, flabbergasted.

"Yeah. Limo. Oh don't be so freaked. A limo comes to pick us up every year. That's part of the reason they send us invitations- so dad knows who to pick up." Anna explained.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, he had never been in a limo before. It was strange but a lot of the time he forgot that the Milton's were rich. At least, their father was- he didn't seem to really share the wealth with his kids the way one would expect him too. Though, come to think of it Castiel did live in a pretty huge house. Dean had only been inside once or maybe twice, but he remember that the whole place was well furnished and decorated. In fact, Dean's whole house could probably fit inside Castiel's at least twice. But Cas didn't act like a snotty rich kid, neither did Anna (he didn't really know any of the other siblings well enough to judge).

The elder Winchester knocked on his brother's door lightly. "Come in." Sam called. Dean stood in the doorway of his brother's room. Every time that he came into this room, he was reminded of how much his baby brother had grown. Dean remembered when the place was filled with space paraphernalia, toys, magic sets, and crayon drawings. Now it looked like a typical teenage room, though he still had glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. Dean liked to think that they served as a reminder of days now passed.

Sam turned around, black suit, white shirt, blue stripped tie. "How does it look?" he asked, modesty showing on his cheeks. Dean cracked a smirk, about to make a snide remark when Sam frowned. "Honestly. No comments about me being in a monkey suit."

Now it was Dean's turn to frown. "You ruined my witty banter. I had a quip lined up and everything. You look fine, you big moose."

Sam gave a quick huff but soon broken into a smile. "Alright, let's go."

The boys walked down the stairs and flopped down around the family room. Anna smiled, sitting across from them on one arm chair. Dean gazed outside, it was the last day of January- the snow had built up on the ground but that didn't stop the skies from shedding more ice cold tears. Light flakes moved across the window, Anna and Sam were talking about something but their voices just sounded like a mush of sounds and syllables. Nothing was really standing out about their conversation, just a blur of words and phrases that felt empty. Dean couldn't bring himself to listen carefully, his attention was mesmerized by the flakes outside.

He watched as clouds rolled across the sky, occasionally giving him a quick glimpse of the moon. The moon looked cold and lonely tonight and most of the time the clouds were blocking it from view. Dean just wanted to see it shine for what it was, a gorgeous rock that floated out in space. Helping the earth manage its tides and always pushing the sun so it could rise.

"Dean." Anna's voice suddenly cut through all of his musings. Dean jerked his attention away from the window but he regretted it instantly. Anna's blue eyes stared with a look of concern, those blue eyes were so distracting. "The limo is here."

Dean stood up, throwing his coat on and joining Anna and Sam, at their sides. Sam gave Dean a quick smile which Dean had seen before. It was a look Sam gave him quite frequently it meant, 'Here goes nothing'.

They crossed a treacherous drive way covered in ice- Anna slipped once or twice but Sam caught her arm. Then they threw open the door of the limo, climbing quickly inside. Inside were three other people. Anna smiled at them instantly, "Gabriel, Balthazar! I'm so glad to see you guys."

"Anna." Gabriel glowed, he was thrilled to see his sister. She slid farther inside and then threw her arms around him. "Good to see you."

"Yeah I know!" Anna cheered, she pulled back from her embrace to gesture. "I don't know if you've met the Winchester's but this is Sam and Dean. They are my company for the evening."

Balthazar lounged in his chair, crossing his legs and observing. Gabriel glanced over to Dean, who instantly felt a huge surge of discomfort come over him. Dean remembered them both from the one time that he had spent the night in Castiel's bed. When they had given him strange looks and he ended up going out the window (after saying goodbye to Cas) to avoid them. But rather then make the whole night awkward, Gabriel gave a smile, "Dean I've met. Sam I haven't."

Sam reached across the limo and shook his hand, "Nice to meet you."

Polite as ever. Dean gave awkward smile, Balthazar gave Sam a small nod. Though Dean really couldn't tell if it was a nod of acknowledgment or if it was a nod of approval. He supposed it didn't really matter, Dean already knew that neither Castiel's brother or cousin approved of him. This was really all about Sam. Gabriel started speaking again, "This is my girlfriend Kali..."

Dean gazed out the tinted window, but it was hard to see anything unless you squinted. Sadly, Dean wouldn't be able to distract himself with the outside surroundings. He would have to stick to the monotony of conversation, so he turned back to the rest of the group. "So Sam, how old are you?" Gabriel asked.

"I'm seventeen, gonna be eighteen in a couple of months." Sam replied.

"Senior in high school right?" Gabriel asked. Sam gave a quick nod, "Ah those adolescent years. Don't worry, it gets better."

Balthazar nodded in agreement. "It really does."

Sam smiled, "I can only hope. I mean, I want to make something out of myself. Dean's been working multiple jobs to save up, so I can go to school."

Balthazar looked over to Dean, "Sounds noble."

"Eh." Dean shrugged.

Sam frowned, "He never takes any credit. But he's really an amazing person, he's always doing his very best for me."

"It's always good to know someone's lookin' out for you." Gabriel replied.

"Really helps me to sleep at night." Sam said happily.

Anna glanced over at Gabriel and Balthazar, "Say, do you know if Castiel will be there tonight?"

Dean felt his ears perk up at that question. He looked at Anna who gave him a reassuring smile, she was just as curious as he was on the matter. He tried his best not to look like he was suddenly more interested in the conversation, though he doubted that it worked. In fact he was positive that it didn't work because Balthazar gave him an amused smirk. As soon as Dean saw that he felt his features frown and he sat back in his seat a little trying to cover up his mistake.

_Cocky son of a bitch._

"As far as I know, he and Lucifer are both coming. Which I gotta say, can never mean anything good. But, according to my very reliable sources they'll both be there. Castiel will be playing in the band, from what I hear. Though I guess we'll have to wait. Cas has never been one to play in public so we'll see how it goes." Balthazar frowned, reclining further back. Dean also shared his frown.

"Wait, Lucifer is going to be there?" Anna asked, sounding surprised.

"Yup." Balthazar replied.

"Michael didn't tell me..." Anna said sadly.

"Oh well, he doesn't exactly know." Balthazar quipped. "My information comes from _other _sources."

"Who?" Anna asked.

"A friend."

"Well that's vague and uninformative." Dean decided. Gabriel and Kali both let out a laugh at Dean's quip. Balthazar frowned a little but he didn't seem to want to respond. Anna smiled knowing that Dean had her back and Sam didn't really say anything.

"Basically," Gabriel began, "be careful."

"It's a huge party." Anna said, "You can avoid someone if you give just a little bit of effort."

The limo rolled up to the party, Dean bit down on the inside of his lip knowing that he wasn't ready for this. Especially if Cas was going to be there, like Balthazar said. Anna climbed out first, then Gabriel, then Kali, then Balthazar. Sam glanced at Dean, sensing his anxiety. "It'll be okay." he said softly.

"I'm fine, Sammy." Dean insisted. Sam turned and shook his head, getting out of the limo. Dean followed behind his little brother.

Everything was not fine but like it or not he was going to have to face it head on. No more running away. No more hiding. No more pretending, it was time to look into the mirror and be okay with his reflection. It was time.

Ready or not.

* * *

_Well, first of all, I'm sorry this chapter was hard to write. I had to work through massive writer's block just to get through it and once again, not that much is happening. So to anyone out there, thank you for waiting patiently. I'm currently in between depression medication, which really messes with my writing. I'm kind of in a weird type of funk right now._

_Next, I'm going to apologize again. Fan fiction has been giving me a hard time for some reason and that story I was talking about? Yeah, totally erased. I have a small bit of it backed up but I lost most of the story. So it's all gonna be a while (especially since I have a lot of ideas and I'm not sure which one I want to hone in on for after I finish this story).  
_

_Thanks for all of the reviews and favorites. Also thanks to anyone who came here through tumblr. That's pretty boss guys.  
_

_I decided to make this chapter pretty short because otherwise it would have had the whole start of the party and would have been like 9000 words and it would have taken forever. So yeah...  
_

_Love you guys, sorry things are a little tight as of late. Doesn't mean I won't update when I can though.  
_

___**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	11. Smile In the Dark

Chapter 11: Smile In the Dark

The place looked huge on the outside, though in a way it was what one might call cold. There were hundreds of glass windows stacking high into the sky. Though only the bottom were lit up at the moment. Apparently, the party was restricted to the ground floors. It was hard to actually get up close to the building, the entrance had cars coming and going at the speed of slugs. It kind of looked like the Emmys or something. The limo had pulled them right up to the entrance and they had got out right on the red carpet. Except the carpet wasn't red, it was blue.

But, details, details. Dean extended and arm so Anna could take it, he figured it he was going to be her date for the evening he could at least walk her in. She gave him a big happy smile as she took his arm. "Make sure you stay close, at least until we get inside." she said softly.

"How else am I going to impress your family?" Dean asked in his snarky voice. Anna laughed a little, they headed for the large spinning glass doors. Dean looked back and forth, seeing the valets taking the keys from people who didn't come in a limo. There were so many people, so many beautiful people all dressed in fancy clothing. They stayed close in their little group of Sam, Dean, Anna, Gabriel, Kali, and Balthazar.

They passed the double doors, entering a short corridor that was jam packed with people. Right away Dean noticed two things. One was the sound of the music playing softly in the distance. The other thing he noticed that despite there being so many people all in one place, the place smelled like food and champagne. Once our of the corridor, Balthazar walked over to Gabriel and muttered something then left in another direction. "Where's he going?" Anna asked.

Gabriel smirked, "To find his date."

"Oh." Anna said looking surprised. "I didn't know he had a date." She said with a little laugh.

"He doesn't really seem like the date type." Sam decided as he walked solo. He didn't have a date but Anna had managed to get him an invite anyway. Dean cracked a small smile as he watched his brother get glamorized by a pretty blonde girl passing by. He flushed and went after her, Dean assumed he was going to ask her for a dance. Which was good, Sam hadn't really ever been that interested in dating so to see him take interest was nice.

"There goes your brother." Anna giggled.

"See, if anyone 'doesn't really seem like the date type' it's him." Dean quipped. Kali laughed quietly, so did Gabriel. Dean tried to look around the room for Cas but there were way to many people. In fact it was hard to make out anyone who wasn't right next to him. There were so many people that it was like he was having constant sensory overload. Though that didn't mean he would keep an eye out.

"Anna. Gabriel. I'm glad to see you guys could make it." a voice said. A tall black haired man stepped into view. He was in a black pin stripped suit with a blue shirt and black tie. He had a soft smile, he was young- maybe early thirties or late twenties. His eyes were a bright blue, much like Anna's and Castiel's. He also had the company of a beautiful brown haired girl but he didn't introduce her.

"Michael." Gabriel said happily, reaching forward and hugging his brother. "How the heck are you? It's nice to see you."

"It's good to see you too, it's been a while." Michael smiled, then he turned to Anna. Dean backed off so she could hug her brother. "Anna, always good to see you again."

"Yes, you to Michael." Anna chimed, then she pulled back from her hug. "Michael. This is Dean. Dean this is my brother Michael."

"It's nice to meet you." Dean ventured onto shaky ground. He didn't really know that much about Michael and the last thing he wanted to do was make a bad impression. He extended a hand and Michael took it easily, giving it a firm shake.

"It's nice to meet you as well." he answered. "My sister has told me much about you." Dean gave a halfhearted smile, he wasn't sure what to say. In fact there wasn't really much to say, what do you say to someone you've just met? And all that they say to you is that their sibling has talked about you.

"Yeah, how about that." Dean replied giving Anna a reassuring smile.

"She tells me you're close to my little brother as well." Michael continued, glancing around the room as if he were looking for someone. Castiel maybe? It was hard to be sure with Michael. After all, trying to read a stranger you just met is like trying to read a book that's in a foreign language. Its difficult, if not impossible to do without any help.

"Yeah I'm close with Cas. Or at least I was, I haven't seen much of him lately. Is he here? Do you know?" Dean asked.

"Not really sure." Michael replied, shifting on his feet. "The band takes shifts so I haven't seen him yet. He hasn't been performing so far, if he's even here."

"I see."

"That doesn't mean you should stop looking though. I'm sure he's here somewhere." Michael insisted. Dean gave a small smile and nodded. There was still a little hope left in the world, at least that's what how his words sounded. There was still a possibility of finding Cas, which meant that there was still a possibility of fixing it. Provided that both he and Cas could admit (at the same time) that it was broken. Which was easier said then done, sadly.

"Let me know if you see him." Dean said turning to Anna who gave a quick gentle nod. Then Anna pulled her brother away to chat. Leaving Dean as the awkward third wheel to Gabriel and Kali. He shimmied away, hoping to give them some privacy. Though shimmy probably wasn't the right word for it. Dean Winchester doesn't really _shimmy _per say, more like shuffle awkwardly.

Thus far the party was pretty uneventful- though he had only been there for a whopping ten minutes. Just a bunch of rich, beautiful people all in one place talking about their yachts. Although he was pretty sure this wasn't any different from what he had expected. He had come in here with the low expectations and his expectations were pretty much accurate. Which was all well and good, except that didn't leave Dean with much to talk about. He was low middle class, this just wasn't his scene.

He didn't have a yacht, a poodle, or some fancy jet. He didn't have a trophy girlfriend or anything of the sort. Hell, he didn't even have a high school diploma. Dean had very few accomplishments that were worth noting- if he even had any at all. So trying to strike up a conversation with someone was kind of like juggling with a blindfold while ridding a motorcycle. In other words, it wasn't easy.

It was nearly impossible, or at least that's how it felt.

Not that it was anything surprising. Most things these days were. Keeping a steady relationship with anyone was nearly impossible when he was drunk all the time. Then there was the whole Castiel thing, which was a whole new level of impossible. Like trying to breathe in space without any type of aid. Then there was work, which was the only thing he was really good for any more. Wake up every morning, go to work, go to bed.

He was living the high life.

Still he had promised Anna that he would stay sober and he also promised that he would try to have a little fun (if that was possible). He was going to try his damnedest to make at least one good memory.

So Dean wandered around, flirted with a girl here and there. That didn't really work to well since most of the girls were married, either to a husband or the their job. It also didn't work because it just felt off. Hitting on girls was actually kind of exhausting. The few girls that he had hit on that weren't taken were kind of shallow for his tastes. Mostly, they just reminded him of his dark haired angel. The one person that had ever saw anything worth while in Dean. Castiel was the only person to ever jump in the line of fire and take a bullet just for Dean. It was so strange, Dean did stuff like that daily for Sam because Sam was his brother. He didn't have any problem with it, but when he thought about it- Cas trying to save him was awful.

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything. Dean really was grateful for all that Castiel had done for him and Sam but it was still one of his biggest regrets. He hadn't been able to help Cas out of the hole that he had climbed into his guilt? It was monumental and Dean _hated _feeling guilty.

Speaking of Cas, Dean kind of felt like if Cas _was _here he was totally dodging Dean. He had walked the dance floor twice and he hadn't run into Cas, he hadn't even seen him. There were a lot of other places that he could be (at least Dean guessed that there were) but he wasn't really sure where to look. This building was huge and some places were off limits and others weren't. Dean didn't know where he was allowed to be and where he wasn't.

Then he realized, why did he care?

Oh, right, he wanted to make a good impression on Castiel's family. So what? In order to find Cas he had to make a bad impression? Or maybe he just had to have x-ray vision. Or better yet, maybe he should have some kind of Castiel tracking device. He made a mental note to call Bobby and have him build one if he could. Though Dean didn't really have any idea how that would work, he guessed that Bobby could figure out something. He always could.

Dean sighed softly, though he cracked a small smile. The idea of Bobby hunched over his desk trying to put together some strange device and cursing Dean for asking, _was_ pretty amusing. Maybe he should ask for it for his birthday. That would go over great.

"Hey Dean, what do you want for your birthday?"

"A Castiel detection device."

"Where the hell am I gonna get one of those? Ya' idjit."

On that lovely note, Dean went pacing over to one of the main hallways. It was well lit, leaving him to assume that he was allowed to be there. At least he hoped that he was able to be there, he kind of guessed it was allowed. If not someone would come by and tell him to leave and he would. No biggie, unless it was Castiel's dad or something.

Good impression and all that. Right.

Although the room was well lit, it wasn't very crowded. There were only a few people around, chatting while holding their drinks. Suddenly Dean craved alcohol, so he stalked through the hallway with his head down. The cravings were there, but they weren't overwhelming- he wanted it. But he could wait until he got home, for Anna.

And for Cas, whether he was here or not.

That actually posed an interesting question, what would Castiel do if he knew that Dean was slowly drinking himself into a coma? How would he feel about it? Dean didn't blame him, it was Dean's choice to drink himself to sleep every night. Ultimately, if things had been bad enough (without Castiel) he probably would have made the same choice over. So it was hard to blame Cas for it.

Though some of Dean's misery was inflicted by Castiel. The fact that he pulled that whole vanishing act, did cause quite a bit of grief. He headed into the room on the other side of the hall, it was only a few feet away and it had a lot less people. Maybe only a handful of people total.

The room had a lot of tables, it looked like some kind of dining hall. All of the tables were draped in a white cloth. All of the chairs had red cushions on them. Dean stalked over to a chair, plopping himself down for a minute to think.

Where would Castiel be in a place like this?

"Dean Winchester. It's been a while." a sly and mischievous voice rang. Dean turned slowly, feeling a hole in his gut. The kind of feeling of utter dread that made you want to shut your eyes tight and say, 'oh no'.

"Lucifer." Dean spat, turning his head to the side and looking irritated. Lucifer stalked closer, circling him like a hungry shark. "Out of your cage? What are you doing in a high class shindig like this?"

Lucifer gave an amused smirk. "Out of my cage? That's really what you're going with? Well, I'd give you a six for creativity but only a two for delivery. Over all, not very impressive. And to counter your point Mr. Winchester, I was invited. Unlike you. Your brother here?"

Dean frowned more, "I was invited. By your sister. And why would you even ask me that?"

"Free country. Boredom. Curiosity. Etcetera." he replied, continuing to circle him. "I can ask whatever I want. It's too bad you won't tell me though, I'd love to say 'hi'. Sam did show promise. Regrettable I had to let him go."

"Regrettable? _That's really what you're going with? _Well, I'm not gonna tell you where he is so you're just gonna have to find him yourself." Dean answered. He knew there was no way that he could keep Lucifer from _accidentally_ running into Sam. Though he sure as hell wasn't going to give Lucifer any hints.

Lucifer stopped in front of Dean, stroking his chin. He was wearing a white suit, which for some reason really suited him. Though Dean was pretty sure Lucifer was as far away from pure as possible. Still white suited him, in some twisted and strange way.

"Yes, Dean, _that's really what I'm going to go with_. Shame, really a damn shame. I could have found Castiel for you." he said, "You do want to see him don't you? Well, I'll make sure to let him know that he should avoid you like the plague."

Dean felt his left eye twitch in rage. "Where do you get off talking about Castiel? Huh? You leave him out of this, you pompous dick."

"Ouch. That hurt my feelings." Lucifer whined in fake pain, laying a hand over his heart and smirking.

"You taunt him on a regular basis. So why don't we-"

"You have no idea." Lucifer smiled. "No idea what I do to him_ on a regular basis._"

Dean felt rage bubble in the pit of his gut. "You dick, you listen-"

Then Lucifer stepped forward grabbing Dean by the collar. "No. You listen here, you should show me some respect. Because mark my words Dean Winchester, one day you'll cease to be important to Castiel. One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but some day, soon. You'll be just a fleeting memory in his brain, just a chalk mark on his wall. And I personally, we'll be so thankful when he's done with you. The minute that happens the first thing I'll do is put a bullet in your brain, because you are _such_ a pain in my ass. From _day one_ you have been _a pain in my ass_ and I will _savor_ the moment where _I get to kill you_."

Lucifer cracked a smile. "Or better yet, when _Cas_ gets to kill you."

"Eat me." Dean gripped Lucifer's arm pulling it away from him and thrusting it downwards. Dean didn't back down, glaring his most hostile stare at his enemy. "You stupid son of a bitch."

Lucifer smirked pulling back from Dean, "I'm gonna enjoy killing you." He paused thinking about the kill. "Hm. Well, if you change your mind and decide to tell me about where your brother is, I'll be happy to hear it. Otherwise, enjoy the rest of your night, _alone_."

Dean rolled his eyes, watching as Lucifer wooed another girl and they walked off happily. He looked slightly irritated, that someone could actually be happy with Lucifer. Though he supposed that he was biased but still, it was annoying. Lucifer was more cocky then Dean and that took a lot of effort. The fact of the matter was, Dean didn't enjoy being out shown by anyone. Though in truth it was more then that.

Lucifer's last words hurt. _Alone_. Dean let out a sigh and paced back to the main room. Despite his promises, Dean felt like he really, _really _needed a drink. He glanced over to the bar, Anna and Michael were there. They seemed to be chatting it up and having a good time. There was no way that he could go over there, not now.

His eyes skated across the room. Over on the dance floor was Gabriel, his girlfriend, Sam, and that pretty blonde girl that he went chasing after earlier. He hadn't seen Balthazar since he left to find his date, which was odd. Though, all things considered it wasn't that surprising that he could seem to find him. After all, this place was huge and he had been in three places, maybe.

Dean found himself at the bar anyway. Though instead of sitting next to Anna and Michael, he sat on the far end. He didn't order a drink, he just sat. A young black haired female paced over. She was dressed in a bright red dress, she gave him a small smile with her ruby lips. "What can I get you?"

"Eh. Nothing, I'm just moping. You know?" Dean replied, laying his head down on the bar table.

"So you don't want to be drunk and mope? Just a sober mope?" she asked.

"Pretty much."

The bar tender shifted, taking a drink herself. "It's a shame."

"Yeah, it-"

_Can anybody..._

Dean's head perked up, hearing the sound of Castiel's voice penetrate his brain. A voice, tearing through all of the other noise in the room. His eyes flickered around the dance floor looking for his... what even was Castiel to him? There were so many words he could use to finish that sentence. His lover, his friend, his source of misery, his happiness, his hope, his angel. What word should he be using to describe Castiel?

_Find me..._

Despite his looking around, he couldn't seem to find the source of the voice. That of course, was because he was looking in all the wrong places. Dean was assuming that Cas was somewhere on the dance floor, which was kind of silly in hindsight.

_Somebody to..._

The bartender gave him a curious look, noting his attentiveness to the voice over the speakers. Dean frowned at her and she gave a small smile, while backing off. His eyes darted back and forth across the room. Where the hell was Castiel's voice coming from?

Most of the dancers stopped and looked up towards the stage. That's when Dean finally realized he was looking in all of the wrong places. His eyes shifted upwards slowly, taking in the sight of black shoes. They paned up slowly, from his shoes to his black pants, then up to his waist, his black suit jacket with a white shirt under and a slightly backward blue tie. Dean stopped on his shoulder's, afraid to look at those eyes.

_Love?_

"Queen?" Dean asked aloud to no one in specific. A small smile dancing at the corners of his features. He made an impression on Cas after all. Well, he kind of already knew that, it was Dean who told him to sing if it was important to him. The piano intro played started, Dean summoned up courage from some unknown source and looked up at his angel.

Castiel was smiling. Dean did a quick double take, Cas rarely smiled and it seemed like a really strange thing to do. Yet at the same time, Dean was so happy to see a smile on Cas's face that he couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.

_Each morning I get up I die a little  
Can barely stand on my feet..._

Cas cracked another awkward smile, pulling the microphone from its stand. He paced to the left side of the stage, leaning over so he was closer to the audience. He held the microphone in his right hand, while his arm was bent at the elbow. At different hits in the music his arm would move as if he was punching the air next to him. Or rather, he was palming the air in front of him.

_Take a look in the mirror and cry  
Lord what you're doing to me _

The singer then pulled himself back, leaning back so his center of gravity was behind him. He pointed his left hand towards the sky as if he were really cursing the heavens. Dean smiled, more. If that was even possible. Castiel was really getting into it, it was as if he didn't care anymore. Nothing else mattered but singing this song for these people.

Dean's gaze flickered around the room for a moment noticing that Gabriel, Kali, Sam, Anna, Michael, and Lucifer were all watching Cas. Their eyes fixed on his performance. Dean looked back up to Cas, making a note not to let his attention stray anywhere else. He wanted to enjoy this moment.

He wanted to enjoy what Castiel was enjoying.

_I have spent all my years in believing you  
But I just can't get no relief,  
Lord!  
Somebody, Somebody_

_Can anybody find me somebody to love?_

Dean rose to his feet, walking towards the stage. He just wanted to be closer to Cas. In this moment, he didn't care about Lucifer, or Sam, or anything really. Dean was just so happy to see Castiel and so happy to see him happy. It was like he was physically in capable of frowning in this moment. Castiel paced over to the guitarist, the two of them leaned on one another. Cas slung an arm around the guitarist who laughed quietly, Dean was amazed that it didn't pick up on the mic. The back up singers were also laughing a little at Castiel's mischief. Dean once again was reminded of how much he wanted to smile. In fact he was smiling so hard he could actually feel it in his cheek muscles. He had never realized how long it had been since he smiled this much.

_(He works hard)_  
_Everyday - I try and I try and I try -_

After he started singing again, Cas let go of his captured guitarist. He trotted across the stage over to the very edge. At first, he was leaning all the way back but after a moment threw himself forward. Dean was afraid he was going to fall, he actually leaned forward a little trying to extend his arms even though he wasn't anywhere near where Cas would have fallen.

Dean paused a moment, hearing the skip in the lyrics. "Must be doing an abridged version of the song."

_But everybody wants to put me down  
They say I'm goin' crazy!  
They say I got a lot of water in my brain.  
Got no common sense  
I got nobody left to believe  
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah_

Castiel whipped around, walking towards the drum set. He had his back to the audience while the guitarist did his solo. The guitarist hopped around as he played, but Dean couldn't stop staring at Cas. Even if it was just Castiel's back, he couldn't stop staring.

"Cas..." he said softly a warm and fuzzy feeling flushing over his whole body. Like laying in the sunlight, while a butterfly landed on your eyes. Then it fluttered its wings and flew away. He had to be totally honest, he didn't like the way it made him feel like squirming. It made him want to tear his gut out.

Dean took a few more steps toward the stage. In truth, he wanted to run up on to the stage and kiss him in front of everyone. He wanted to claim Cas as his own. Dean wanted to end all of this circling around one another, beating around the bush, too afraid to talk about what's going on, crap.

But he knew that he couldn't, or rather wouldn't do such a thing. Dean didn't have the courage to do something crazy like that. Plus he felt like that would just give Lucifer another reason to torture Cas. Another reason for Lucifer to come after him with guns blazing and honestly? Dean was freaking tired of Lucifer.

He was tired of everything, he just wanted to take his angel and run. Run far, far away- where no one could find them.

_Oh Lord  
Somebody - somebody  
Can anybody find me somebody to love?_

Got no feel, I got no rhythm  
I just keep losing my beat  
I'm ok, I'm alright  
Ain't gonna face no defeat  
I just gotta get out of this prison cell

Dean watched as Castiel's eyes shifted off to the side. He paused a moment before realizing that Cas was actually looking at Lucifer. He had some nerve to actually be looking at his brother while he sang. Dean laughed a little bit, though he was still amazed that Cas would do that. The phrase, 'he's got balls' comes to mind.

Castiel's eyes shifted back around the room. He still hadn't noticed Dean, or at least he didn't think Cas had noticed. Not yet anyway.

_Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!_

Find me somebody to love  
Can anybody find me...

Castiel paused, his eyes locking themselves on Dean's eyes. Dean felt a soft blush creep into his cheeks, great now he felt like a freaking girl. Pride aside though, he was glad to see Cas actually looking at him.

_somebody to... _

Then, Cas flashed another small smile. It was different then any other smile that Dean had seen so far. The butterflies in Dean's stomach fluttered, scratching at his rib cages. They wanted to escape and fly away. Dean nodded his head a little, just barely. Giving a tiny, sad smile, he wished that seeing Cas here changed anything.

Dean wished that by seeing here and having Cas sing to him made them suddenly able to get better. But, with the song ending soon he was coming down from his time in space. The reality of the whole situation coming back. Like an astronaut burning up on reentry.

The fact of the matter was, Cas still ran away from him. Still didn't talk to him for three months, didn't tell him anything. Just up and left like it was nothing. Just dropped off the face of the earth, again.

_Love...  
_

Some of the audience clapped, others just kept dancing. Castiel smiled, walking up the microphone and exhaling deeply. "Thank you for coming out tonight. My father- he uh... he throws this party once a year. To thank any investors, for employees that don't get the credit they deserve, for anybody out there who is over looked at anytime." He paused a moment, looking at his feet.

"Every year, my father asks me to come out and play. I haven't been able to come out these past few years because of complications. But, this year, I could come out and uh... 'do my thing' as they say. So, I decided to do something a bit different. See most years, I would just come up here and hammer away at the piano with the rest of the band. You know, most musicians don't actually like the spotlight- were a bit awkward that way. We have trouble taking the spotlight. We also have trouble giving ourselves credit. I mean we spend so much time working and rehearsing but the minute something goes wrong in a song, that's all we can think about. The minute anything goes south, we turn tail and run screaming." Castiel let out a small awkward laugh. Public speaking clearly wasn't his thing. Luckily, most of the audience laughed too so it didn't seem so awkward.

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say- I guess, is that a lot of times we run away from things that we love or things we enjoy. We run because were scared or because something goes wrong and it feels like it's more trouble then it's worth. But, while feelings are subjective and we might not think they're important... There's someone out there, somewhere who thinks that they are important. There will always be someone who cares about what were thinking and what were feeling. 'Subjective- or whatever- doesn't cut it'." Castiel smiled, the audience laughed a little again.

"So this year, I decided to sing. Because, well- it is important. It does matter. So, uh... take it away, Jimmy." Castiel smiled, looking over to the guitarist. He nodded and started to play a song. Dean rubbed his eyes. If anyone asked, he either got something in his eye or his contact (which he didn't even wear) was bugging him. Dean made his way back to the bar, leaning up against the counter.

_I'll get lost, messed up and bored when I'm alone too long.  
I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone.  
Late last fall, she ended it all and moved to who-knows-where.  
Just like that, she vanished and packed and never even called._

_Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me?  
A kind of macabre and somber Wonder twin type of harmony..._

"Wonderful isn't he?" a voice asked from beside him.

Dean jumped whipping around, "What is it with this family and sneaking up on people?"

"If you're going to bitch, I'd appreciate you keep it to yourself. I'm currently trying to enjoy Cassy enjoying himself. It's a rare thing and I haven't been able to help him, so if you don't mind." Balthazar retorted.

"But you can talk to me and still enjoy him?" Dean asked slowly.

"As long as you aren't bitching." he decided.

"How does that even work?" Dean questioned.

"Very carefully. It means I only have a desire to talk to you, if you have something nice or interesting to say." Balthazar answered. "Actually, I lied. I'm here to ask something of you."

"You want to ask me something?" Dean asked.

"Yup. Just give me a minute."

_What if it was you?  
You that I needed all along  
I felt like a fool  
Thinking we were completely wrong..._

_It seemed like a dream  
A beautiful scream  
That echoed forever  
And made us not afraid to feel a thing_

_And after it ends_  
_We'll try to be friends_  
_They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are..._

Dean shifted uncomfortably, "Okay so? I gave you a minute now tell me what you want."

"You're just no fun." Balthazar replied. "Not one little bit."

"Well, thanks chuckles, seriously. What do you want from me?" Dean asked, sitting down on the bar stool next to him. Balthazar sighed, pacing over to the seat next to him. He sat down on the bar stool next to him, though they both still had eyes on Cas.

"So, here's the thing... Lucifer's here."

"Thanks for the news flash." Dean replied sarcastically.

Balthazar frowned. "Oh come on, don't make me bitter while Cas is smiling and singing. Don't ruin the moment. Makes me want to smite myself, seriously."

"Okay." Dean conceded. "What do you want me?"

"Lucifer's here, he's targeting Cassy's father. You know how I know? Well- it's my information, how I get it is my business. So if you want to ask, know I'm not going to tell you-"

"Helpful." Dean announced, leaning forward on his knees. "Very helpful. What do you want me for? Better yet, do Michael and Anna know?"

"Yup. Already told them. In fact, it was Anna who wanted me to come tell you about it. Thank her for getting you involved in our family matters. Well, thank her and thank Cas of course. Still, she's the one who said, 'you have to go talk to Dean'. Any who, I need your help."

"Yes. You've said that multiple times but you haven't really explained it." Dean shrugged.

"Fine, you see that man up there?" Balthazar asked, pointing up to a man in a white suit that was standing on a balcony. He was tall, well built, and dark brown hair (which from here looked black). "That's Castiel's father. I need you to go watch him. If Lucifer gets close to him radio me or Michael. He has to stay safe."

_All this time and everything's changed but I still feel the same.  
All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain.  
What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared.  
A little too much for friends but not enough to share.  
_

"That's it? Watch him?" Dean asked.

"Yup. That's it." Balthazar answered.

"Why do you need me to watch him?"

"You aren't the only one who will be watching him." Balthazar replied. "We'll all have our eyes on him, but we need you to help us stick close to him. We need to keep him safe. If Lucifer kills him then he'll go after Michael next. Then Anna and then me. He says he doesn't kill blood but that doesn't mean he won't change his mind. We need to make sure that he doesn't have a reason to change his mind."

_What if it was you?  
You that I needed all along  
I felt like a fool  
Now that I'm sure that I was wrong  
_

"Will it help Cas?" Dean asked. "Better yet, will I be able to see Cas?"

"The first one I can guarantee is a yes. The second I don't know." Balthazar replied. "The best we can do is try to make it so that you can see him. I would say that we should tip him off but, he'll just go tell Lucifer. He doesn't have a choice. He has to do what Lucifer says, or else."

Dean looked up, watching Castiel sing. His voice carrying across the whole room, giving everyone a reason to dance. In this very moment, Cas was happy. Dean paused to think about just how amazing it was that he was able to smile in such adversity. Cas was truly an amazing person, he was able to have fun (even if just for a moment) when his brother basically owned his soul. He wanted to make it so Cas could smile whenever he wanted. He wanted to make it so Castiel had a choice to be happy, or sad, or whatever he wanted to be.

_It had to be you.  
It had to be you.  
It had to be you.  
I knew it was you. _

"I'm in."

* * *

_I really quite like this chapter if I'm being honest.  
_

_So part two of the party sequence, woohoo. Part of my problem with this chapter (and why there was such a delay) was that I wanted to pick the perfect songs. Now I know that sounds strange, but it really was about picking the perfect two songs. Originally, it was only going to be one song but in the end I couldn't pick between the two songs that ended up being in the chapter. Those songs are, 'Somebody To Love' by Queen and 'It Had to be You' by Motion City Soundtrack. (Why are all of their songs perfect?) Any who, I wanted desperately to pick the right songs. _

_I wanted to have this chapter to show that despite all the things that are wrong with Cas's life, he can still have fun. He can still enjoy himself in the heat of the moment. Because that's how a person starts to cope with depression. You find happiness in sad moments and then you just keep increasing the happy moments, until everything is balanced. So I think its important to see that things can get better. For Cas, music is a coping mechanism and so... he's trying his best to cope in the moment._

_On the topic of songs here were some of the candidates. (I'm think of making an FST at the end of this story that just lists all the songs I used for inspiration).  
_

_By Now - Marianas Trench, Perfect - Hedley, For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep, The Mess I Made - Parachute.  
_

_There were quite a few others but those above were what I narrowed it down too, but in the end I chose what I chose because I think it displayed hope. Which is something that is huge for people who are depressed. I mean HUGE.  
_

_I've had quite the experience with depression and I'm telling you, its possible to find a bit of hope when everything is just awful. It's possible to get better. It's just hard and it sucks. This chapter served as one of those scenes that I had in my head when I started the story. But ah! The party is far from over.  
_

_Next bit of business, my new story 'Robin hood' is up if you haven't yet go check it out!  
_

_As always thank you for reading.  
_

___**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


	12. To Sleep, To Sleep In Order To Dream

Chapter 12: To Sleep, To Sleep In Order To Dream

Castiel shuffled down from the stage, ducking into one of the safe rooms for musicians. He yanked his tie so it was a little more loose and slumped into a chair. He was exhausted, he never knew being a singer could be so exciting. Serves him right for getting so into it. It was fun though.

The word felt so strange when he thought about it.

'Fun.'

Fun wasn't something that Cas had regularly, so as far as he could tell it was worth while. Come to think of it, he didn't really know when the last time that he had fun was. Depression was funny that way, every time he tried to come up with an answer he just came up blank. He slouched, grabbing one of the water bottles that was sitting in the room. They were for the performers, since dry throats were common. He took a swig of water, coughing a little. It was amazingly easy to choke on water when his throat felt like parchment. The water was refreshing but also startling, he coughed again a little louder.

Castiel's eyes shifted around the room. Something felt strange like there was something that was just _off_. The whole room just felt wonky. He couldn't quite put a finger on it, but he knew there was something. Like at any moment all of these good feelings could come crashing down around him. Reality was often much harder to deal with then fantasy. Him being on that stage felt like a fantasy. Fun felt like a fantasy.

It was more then that though, him being on that stage was only half of it. Seeing Dean was the other half, Cas hadn't anticipated that he would be there. In fact, he didn't think that Lucifer anticipated it either. Maybe everyone was thrown through a loop. Though when he stopped to think about it, it made sense. Dean knew Anna and if Cas had learned anything about Dean it was that Dean refused to give up on people. No matter how mad he might be, or how much pain he might be in- if someone was truly important then Dean wouldn't give up. That's part of the reason they were in this mess in the first place. Neither boy would forsake their feelings for one another and so they were constantly circling one another in an eternal dance.

And around and around the wheel goes.

Sometimes Castiel swore that all the two of them were doing was riding a merry go round. At first, it was like Dean was already on the carousel. He was spinning it so fast, that Cas had to run beside it just so he could figure out where the handles were. With every rotation he was more afraid that he would trip and lose his speed. But he was doing his best, keeping up with Dean Winchester wasn't the easiest thing in the world. After a while, he managed to grab the side of the merry go round. However, as soon as he grabbed it and jumped on Dean jumped off. He wanted to keep the thing going so he grabbed bar and started running along side.

They could never _both_ be on the merry go round at the same time. One of them had to be pushing the thing in circles while the other one was enjoying the ride. Never both enjoying the ride, always only one. Self sacrifice was indeed a messy business. Cas frowned, putting the bottle back on the desk.

There was a quick knock on the door, it was quiet- timid. Cas stood up and walked over to the door, pulling the thing open. He was greeted with a familiar face, one of the other members in the band. He had probably gone off to grab some water, but then Cas noticed the girl behind him. His cheeks flushed a little and he decided to step out and give them some privacy. He hated that he was always so damn accommodating, but that was just part of his personality (no matter how much he might dislike it).

"I'll just... step out..." Castiel said as he closed the door behind him. He frowned, now being in a formal party and not wanting to talk to any of the people there. Cas ducked past most of the lively guests into a darker part of the building. He had been a fly on the wall for most of his life so it wasn't that hard to dodge people who might have been interested if he had shown a little confidence. For the most part, everyone was so busy in their own little world they didn't take notice of him. Castiel couldn't help but imagine them as ants. Hive minded, going about their days, resisting the urge to do anything independently, and only doing things that would better the colony. For his sake, he hoped that 'talking to Castiel' wasn't on the list of things that would make the colony better.

He wanted to let his head reel in peace, was that so much to ask?

Cas didn't quiet know the layout of the building as well as he should have, but he was be able to figure out where most people _weren't_ allowed. He knew that Lucifer's plan was going to start soon, but until he got the text from his brother telling him everything was a go he wanted to just be alone. So he ducked into a room that was full of cubicles.

The room was huge, with cubicles stretching as far back as he could see. The place was dark, with only the exit sign the only visible light. Cas fumbled around for a light switch, flicking it on watching as the lights tried to warm up. Once the lights were on, he could see that the cubicles extended all the way back. Tiny work spaces, for each person. The whole place looked ridiculously impersonal, though each space said something different about the person that sat there. As he walked up and down the isles he could see what each person liked. He could tell who their kids were, what sports they played, what animals they liked, if they were messy or neat, just by the decorations in the place.

Despite the small personal objects though the whole place was still an office space. Dank and dreary, like a thick gray cloud that was always hanging over the workers head. Despite the ways they tried to make a statement about their identity they would always be just a part of something else. Never someone who stood on their own. They were only allowed to be in this tiny space and that was it. They would sit, hunched over at their desks tapping away at keyboards all day. His stomach turned over at the thought of being one of those people.

Yet, Castiel's life wasn't really any different from these people's lives. He did the same things day in and day out, all because Lucifer said so. In a way the people who would sit at these desks were just the same as he was. Irritation boiled, deep in his gut. Cas grabbed one of the chairs and wheeled it out into the middle of the room.

It looked out of place there so he added a second chair, then a third, and so on. Pretty soon all of the chairs that _should _have been in the cubicles were now in the center of the room's isle. A strange way of displaying free will, but he didn't care. He wanted to make a statement saying that he wasn't a loser and that he had a mind of his own. That he wasn't _just _Lucifer's puppet. He needn't feel guilty for the actions of his brothers.

But he did feel guilty, silently. Though suffering in silence was just the type of person that Castiel was. Still this was a testament to _his will. _That guilt and the past would not always be what controlled his actions. The ghost of smile crossed Cas' chapped lips. He was weary from battle but this soldier had to press on.

Cas slumped into one of the outside chairs, swiveling back and forth. He allowed his eyes to feel heavy, then silently willed them to close. Truth be told, he was sometimes afraid to close them for fear that when they opened Lucifer would be looming over him. Smiling. Reminding him that no matter how he squirmed he'd never get away.

Yet not today, instead all he could see was a darkness. A void that was filled with nothing but silence. An endless echo of thought sent out across space- no object to bounce off, nothing for it to ricochet off of. No way for the thought to ever return once it was sent off. He welcomed the silence, welcomed the dark to take him to into a big black empty. Down into the rabbit hole, past the second star to the right, and on into the void of cold space.

A nothing where no one would ever find him again.

"_Hey bro. Where are you going at this time of night?" Gabriel asked, leaning in the doorway. He almost looked like a model the way he was lounging leisurely on the frame. Shoulders lax, eyes demanding but curious, thumbs hooked in his jeans, one leg crossed behind the other, the way the lights behind him made him look angelic. He could easily see a still frame of this being in a magazine. _

"_Out." I answered low. He raised an eyebrow questioningly, shifting his weight so he was on both feet. He was strangely fluid in his movements, like his body was one giant slinky moving coherently and skillfully. _

"_Out where?" Gabriel says coyly, his lips turning up in a smirk. It's his way of telling me that I'm not out of the woods yet. It's also his way of expressing that he doesn't much appreciate the vague responses. I watch as he slinks like a feline, heading towards me slowly. I know that despite his cocky attitude, his intentions are pure. He's my brother, the only real family I've had in a long while. I trust him, he's just trying to do his best as the responsible figure in my life. So despite his lingering stare and hot eyes, I know he doesn't mean to be menacing. _

"_Just out." I repeat, its not a lie. I really am just going out, I just have no specific destination in mind. I thumb the cold metallic keys in my hand, feeling the jagged edges rough against my skin. A prickling sensation shoots through my body. I'm stuck just outside the doorway, but still under the porch's overhang. The April showers are pattering softly against the roof above and the cement below. _

_Gabriel shakes his head, giving in to my blatant lack of information. Or maybe he's made a joke that I missed, I can't really be sure its hard to tell sometimes. He puts a hand on my shoulder, weight pressing down on me. "Just be careful, little brother. Don't stay out to late and for god's sake remember to turn your brights on." _

_I know that he's joking but it doesn't come off as funny to me. Does he really think that I would drive in the rain without my lights on? "Thanks mom." I answer. _

"_Zing!" my brother shouts, I feel my brows knit in an uncomfortable and confused manner. "Never mind." I shrug my shoulders, not really understanding his context. I silently wonder if 'zing' is a real word. He gives me another smile while I pull on my trench coat. He steps into my peripheral vision and lays a hand on my shoulder, gripping it tight. "I mean it, be careful."_

"_Yes." I answer. Gabe gives me one last nod before he heads back into the house. I stay for a spell, watching him as he closes the door. His silhouette moves across the front door window and I know that he's headed for the kitchen. I assume that its a brother thing._

_Quickly, I move out from under the overhang walking to my car. I know that there's some kind of myth that says its better to run in the rain then walk but getting wet doesn't bug me. Though, I must admit when the first few drops touch my skin I feel a violent shot of electricity shoot through my veins. It's icy and cold, which makes me want to get to my car faster. Still, there's a general lack of urgency in my step._

_I throw the car door open with ease and let myself sink down into the drivers seat. For a moment I just sit, listening to the rain on the roof. A metallic pelting sound that threatens to come down on my head. A few seconds go by, then a few minutes. I kick the car into reverse and back out onto the street. Like I said earlier, I don't have a specific destination in mind. I'm just going where ever the wind takes me- as Gabriel often says. _

_It's difficult to see more then five feet in front of my car. Since I started driving the rain has been coming down harder. I'm not sure but it might be hailing, so naturally I'm going rather slowly. But, its not a big deal I can't see five feet in front of my car so I don't know if there's anyone around me. If there is someone there, they don't seem to have a problem with my slow speeds._

_Driving into the rain, is kind of like standing on a ledge and facing a big black nothing. I could scream into it, I could yell, wail, and shriek but nothing would ever come back. There's nothing for the sound to echo off of. Like staring into the deepest parts of the universe or being caught in a black hole. I tap the radio on, so there's some noise besides the sound of rain. But all that I end up hearing is static, which seems to support my black hole theory. I glance over to the dash, flipping it off again._

_That's when I see him, the silhouette of a young man standing in the road illuminated by headlights coming from the other direction. Something in my brain clicks, everything seems to move in slow motion. I can't hit a kid. I can't- I slam on the breaks with all the force I have, my leg throbs from pushing to hard. But I realize it won't be enough, panic ceases my lungs. My throat tries to swallow but all I taste is blood. Did I bite my lip? When?_

"_BP's dropping-"_

_I crank the wheel driving towards the on coming traffic. Seeing headlights blare in my eyes, everything turns white for a moment before I see a flash of something. Blonde hair, strong features, but soft baby blue eyes. His eyes flashing with a cold rage for the millisecond that I see him. His mouth is open and I think he might be screaming but I can't tell._

"_I can't-"_

_There's a buzzing sound in my ears and above everything else, I hear the sound of a male voice. Sadly, I can't place who it belongs to- I feel like I know it from somewhere though. I suppose that I have more pressing matters to attend too through. _

"_Pulse-"_

_Our cars draw closer together, the front of mine begins to buckle as it crashes against his in slow motion. I try to place the guys face, but I can't seem to remember where I know it from. Everything is just a big hole, while my brain works overtime to think in my last moments of consciousness. _

_Then, there's nothing but black._

* * *

_Remember when I updated everyday? Haha. Me neither._

_A bit of a filler chapter and for that I'm very sorry. You ever have that writer's block where you keep coming up with story idea's but then you're like 'I can't make anymore stories right now'? Well that's been the story of my life and its been killing me slowly. Trying to write when that's in your head is hard, actually scratch that. Writing is hard. Period. But I must say, writing a story is not currently my job- I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I have writers block. So I'm not gonna, but I still will apologize to you guys because you've all been nothing but supportive of me. _

_That being said, this chapter. Man, this chapter. It's been a long time since I've written a dream sequence. Feels good. Really good. Also Cas pushing all of the chairs into the center of the room to show his rebellious side. Loved writing that, because its something that I would do._

_Speculation is much encouraged as we draw close to the climax._

_**Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much! **_


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